Is it time to stop contact?

[Habesha91]

My colleague lost a parent and she's been off work for almost two months now. I've been checking on her on a weekly basis to ask how she is etc and we chat catching up on stuff.

She mentioned it's been hard for her and she said she's not sure if she will be back to work anytime soon which I understand. I've called today as it's been a week since we last talked but she didnt answer. I then sent a text after an hour saying hope she's ok and called to say hi to which she replied after few hours saying she didn't even see my call, said sorry and said hope that I'm ok. I replied saying I'm good thanks and no problem, and she hasn't even seen the message even though I sent it few mins after.

Is it best that I stop calling to see how she is because maybe she doesn't want to talk anymore. My other colleagues who have went to the funeral with me told me that they haven't been in touch with her for weeks and she confirmed this last time we talked, as she also said she didn't hear from them for long time.

I just don't want to come across as too much and want some bit of advice if anyone has been in similar situation.

I was bereaved when I was younger and spent longer than society seemed to expect me to grieve.

The vast majority of my friends didn’t know what to do as I retreated into myself so much. So they basically ditched me.

I resent it even now.

Keep messaging her with low expectations, by the giver for a while as she won’t be able to give back but she will appreciate you reaching out for sure. Please don’t stop. Even just send her chatty texts and end with thinking of you, miss your face at work or similar.

I know you mean well and I can only go by my experience but I would have found this overwhelming. Grief isn't linear so she could be feeling worse now than a month ago, or next week might feel up to chat but the following day just the idea of talking might make her want to stay in bed.

I would leave it a couple of weeks then send a message that shows her you are still available to support but that there's no obligation on her to reply or chat unless she wants to.

I would send messages that don’t ask how she is, in fact don’t ask any questions at all so there’s no pressure to answer. Just to let her know that you’re thinking of her and that you’re still interested in her. That way if she does want to talk, she knows you’re there for her.

You sound lovely and caring.
you can literally put in your messages something along the lines of ’hi xxx just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you. No expectation for you to respond, just want you to know I’m here if you ever want chat, take care’
she will appreciate you thinking of her even if she doesn’t have to capacity to respond

When I had a friend in the same situation I sometimes just sent a Hug GIF or a short message to say I was thinking of her and hoped she was ok

In my experience this is about the time that you want people to be in contact because this is when people stop asking if you’re ok and if there is anything they can do - there’s an expectation that you should be getting back to ‘normal’ by now.

I would keep occasional contact by text - keep it light and chatty, funny things, things about work etc. If she wants to reply she can. I would have appreciated this when in the same position - I didn’t want to talk about my grief all the time but I didn’t want to feel forgotten either.

I had a lady off for 12 months after the death of her mother. I eventually persuaded her to come in for a coffee and then for a couple if hours at a time working up to her normal hoyrs. Sge saud ut was the best thing for her MH coming back to work.

Whoa three contacts in one day? After two months? Way too much! Keep in touch but every couple days or more.

I do think you are doing too much. It’s overbearing and overstepping. She doesn’t need you to be a pseudo parent.

legally, colleagues that are off work are entitled to not have to deal with their colleagues. You might not realise it, but you are pressuring her to perform and meet your expectations even though she’s off work. She might feel, she’s causing work tension if she doesn’t reply for example, even if she isn’t ready to engage in chit chat with you. Everyone grieves differently and the nature of a colleague to colleague relationship is that your relationship is always going to be work-based as opposed to purely friendship-based. She is naturally going to associate you with the workplace, workplace dynamics, returning to work etc.

You’re protecting everyone involved by just giving her space and backing off.

This is poor advice, you’re failing to acknowledge that everyone processes grief differently to you.

People who are off work due to a bereavement, whether that is special leave, annual leave or sick leave, should not be contacted about work as a bare minimum.

Yet you’re actually recommending OP sends her things about work whilst she’s off and doesn’t have a return date. For many people that can increase stress and pressure during an already difficult time. Surely, the person involved has other things on their plate, hence needing the time off to begin with.

the only person who should be having work related discussions with them, is their direct line manager during agreed absence management meetings.

You’re reading too much into what I said. The OP reads as though she is not this person’s manager but her colleague, and they have clearly been in touch already.

I didn’t mean work related updates as in things about work they are doing. I meant chatty things such as ‘X has a new car’, ‘the sandwich van now has coronation chicken etc’. I’m well aware of HR guidance, which the OP wasn’t looking for.

As you said, everyone is different. The colleague only has to reach out to her manager and say she doesn’t want contact if it’s bothering her. I can only relate it to my experience and I would have appreciated this even if I didn’t feel up to replying at the time.