How can I support a colleague who says I seem aggressive?

[Aimiemcl]

How do I support someone that says I'm aggressive

Stop being aggressive ?

Why do you think they need support? Do you disagree that you are aggressive? Are you hoping that they will come to realise that you are simply being strongly assertive?

It may be irrelevant in this particular instance, but my ( male) HR chief friend says it is very common for women to be described in feedback as aggressive whereas men with exactly the same tone and presentation are commended for being assertive and demonstrating strong leadership skills. He says he always always observes himself and asks searching questions when women managers are accused of being ‘aggressive’.

Do you have to be the one to support them?

You don't. Just back off .

I don’t think anyone can advise you without some background and context!

Yes: what kind of support do they need and are you the most appropriate person to give it? Why do they think you are aggressive? No way to answer your question without more context.

Agree fully with this. I have been accused of bring aggressive a few times in my career, each time by people in a position of power over me, and each times when I was very legitimately , calmly and reasonably questioning them about something for clarity.

it was all about them and them being on the defensive and lashing out. They were all actually far more aggressive to me in their reaction back!

in each case, it told me something about that person. And I either avoided them in the future, sought another role, or just let the cards fall as they will. Each time I came out better. If you truly know that you weren’t aggressive, see what this says about them.

I worked with someone years back who I'd describe as aggressive.

It was their way of speaking. So they'd come into the office and say something along the lines of "I'm going for lunch now and no one is to stop me."
And we'd all be looking at her thinking "no one has ever stopped or even suggested she didn't go at a particular time."
The rest of us tended to courteously say something like "okay if I go for lunch now" as we couldn't all clock off at once, but other than occasionally someone might say something like "can you check this for me before you go" no one ever objected.

It wasn't just the words, it was also the tone. What my granny would have called "with their fists up tone".

But it wasn't just that. If someone above them asked them to do something in a particular way they'd either argue the toss about their way was better (and no they weren't normally right) or say that they'd always done it the way they were being told to do it and they didn't need telling (while often in the middle of doing it clearly their way way), and that sort of thing.

It put people on edge speaking to them, even to do a simple job because they so often got this aggressive response, so they got treated with kid gloves.

When they were spoken to about this - it made working with them very difficult, they denied it and said they had never been aggressive. They then for a short time adapted a very passive aggressive manner which was nearly as bad - before resorting back to the aggressive side. They left a couple of years later and the atmosphere in the office was totally different - people weren't on edge and could relax.

So I'd say that someone can come across as aggressive without meaning to, or being aware.

OP, ask for specific examples. It may be your tone as much as the words.

I'm guessing as you want to support them, you are senior to them - at least I hope so, because otherwise support is not what you should be doing.

I'd look at whether how you go in with mistakes they've made or requests. There's a difference between "I want that report now" and "How far on you the report because I need it asap? Do you need any help?" but one can come across as aggressive.
It may be that they're being over sensitive, but I don't think it's helpful to start from that assumption.