What do I do?

[nikkivezza]

Bear with me, this is going to be a long one.

I’ll start by saying I’ve worked all my life. Usually around 60hrs a week. Night shifts. Minimum mat leave after four children. Usually back at work within 3/4 months of giving birth.

Dec 2023 I had a 42 week stillbirth, went straight back to work afterwards. Fell pregnant again July 2025. Went off sick with awful mental health oct 2025. Mat leave started Dec 2025 due to EMCS and a very, very poorly baby who wasn’t expected to survive. Baby did survive and spent 4 months in a level 3 NICU, 3 hours away from home. I had a pulmonary embolism whilst there and was pretty poorly. Baby eventually came home on oxygen and was a medically complex baby.
i was on mat leave until sept 2025. work then honoured the neonatal leave policy. Neonatal leave ended feb 2026. I was signed off sick as I am still having a really hard time processing.
Sick note runs out next week. entitlement to SSP has ended because they are counting the time off sick before mat leave too, so now on zero pay.
I’ve been sent a LCWRA form which I’ve sent off. But either than perinatal mental heath team there’s no real evidence to support me
being off so long.

Older kids have really struggled with this, as well as other traumas that have happened over the last couple of years, as a result, the two older ones are finding things hard, the two middle ones are the worst affected, one self harming and feeling suicidal. The other with serious OCD and PTSD symptoms. So I’m needed at home. Alongside of all this. My FIL was diagnosed with vascular dementia during Covid. I’m unofficially helping MIL to look after him 2/3 days a week. She’s his full time, sole carer and is finding it hard. She doesn’t want anyone else ti look after him, which is fair, but she’s struggling ti do it all herself. Also, my mother was diagnosed with a brain tumour back in December 2025. Her symptoms have worsened to the point that I’m now having to remotely care her for too. I’m 300 miles away from her and keep having to drive back and forth.
shes lost the ability to deal with the day to day, so I can easily spend full days on the phone with her.

I’m panicking so much that my SSP has been stopped and feel like I really should go back to work. But I’m contracted 4, 12 hour night shifts a week. Every Friday, Saturday, Sunday and money nights to fit around my husband, who works away most of the week. I’m not even sure how I’d manage one 12 hour shift a week just now, let alone four!

does anyone have any miraculous ideas? I feel like I need to justify myself staying off longer, but it’s really not like me not to work!

Thank you if you got this far!!

Apply to go part time? Or find a job with better hours. If you can’t return to work can you apply for universal credit? You’ve got 5 kids at home
and a husband that works away so working 60 hour weeks was obviously never going to be realistic at this point. Part time sounds most sensible

Yes keeping four nights sound far too much. What could you realistically manage? One or two? Could you reduce to stabilise things?
if you are an nhs worker maybe bank shifts could top you up when you have scope.

Well you can't do the job so ultimately you can't go back, but they aren't going to pay you for it either if you're not there. Are you entitled to any benefits or is your partner's wage too high? Do you need the money? Can you get by on a lower stress part time job?

I would also work towards lessening everyone’s dependence on you outside the house. Caring for your mum 300 miles away and your Fil sounds unsustainable long term whilst you manage the 5 kids. Can your mum access more local support to take the pressure off you? Can Mil reach out to dementia support for Fil?

You could be claiming carers allowance, the support you are providing your mum is more than the required amount

Your partner needs to step the fuck up and take over mil and help with the kids...

Can he look to increase his income to make up the loss?

From memory, you have to be providing care for at least 35 hours/week to get carers allowance. I doubt that the OP has that much time to give, even if she wants to and even if her mum didn't already live several hours drive away.

Sorry you’ve had such a tough time OP. You’ve got a LOT to deal with without factoring in work, let alone your own MH.

i wonder when you say that you need to justify talking longer off, who are you looking to justify this to? Your employer so they’ll hold your job for you? Your DH? Yourself? Could you afford not to work for a period of no pay and just feel guilty about it, or is your income essential to maintain a basic standard of living?

I don’t think they are right in the SSP. You can only link periods of absence within 8 weeks

I'm so sorry, that all sounds so hard. However you need to look after your own family now. You can't split yourself in three (or four). Do not feel guilty about being unable to help parents / in-laws. You just can't, it's too dangerous.

That is all so very stressful, you poor lady. My heart goes out to you . I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby 💔 Your poor Mum, is there any way she could come closer to you? Would she be eligible for a nursing home near you? Mil should be up to your dh and his family, you definitely don't have the capacity to help out with her. That's unfair to put it on you. It sounds like your dc need you at home too. I would apply for carers allowance. If your dh isn't a high earner you may be entitled to more help. I definitely don't think you should go back to work right now. You have so much on your plate.

Thanks everyone. Some things to think about.

husband is on a decent wage but not enough to cover outgoings. We are relying on UC to cover me at the minute, which I hate. It’s myself I need to justify it to. It just feels wrong not to work.
especially with having such a big family. We’ve always worked every hour god sends to make sure we don’t need to claim benefits.

with husband working away at least four nights a week and me being on mat leave, it made sense for me to help out with FIL. MIL does such a brilliant job caring for him and is very particular about how he’s looked after. She accepted help from a care company last year and was horrified at the level of “care” some of them provided, and vowed she would never let them back again.
there is no one else to help with my mother. Only child, no family. I can’t leave her in this state. She’s got carers going in for an hour a day, but she can’t even make sense of a water bill. And she’s getting herself in a right state because of it. Hence the phone calls. She’s bad enough in her own home, on a familiar environment. I think if she were to move closer, it would really throw her off. She’s always said she never wanted to move here too.
I’m already claiming carers for baby as she came home on oxygen and is entitled to DLA, but that ends in December.

Gosh I’m so sorry OP, you’ve got a lot on your plate there.
I think if you’re going to carry on with this level of caring responsibilities you need to find a much more part time job. Your current job simply isn’t doable, there’s not enough hours in the week!

So your options are you and DH sit down and look at what’s minimum you need to bring home and reduce your hours/ find another job at the level. Or else you outsource the caring responsibilities for your Mum and FIL as you simply don’t have the capacity for it. Mil will have to choose between paid carers again, your DH doing more or doing it all herself. But she can’t have YOU!
Have you referred your DM for tenancy support from local council? Have you set up everything on direct debit for her?

But the important take away her is YOU cannot provide all of this care to family if you return to work on those hours

It sounds like your mother needs a reality check.

You cannot be expected to care for a relative 300 miles away when you have this much on your plate. She either needs to accept that she is looked after by carers or move closer. This is not your problem to fix.

You can’t go back to work with everything you have going on. It sounds like you’re looking for permission to leave - which in this situation would be well justified. Leave and accept the UC until the ship stabilises. It doesn’t have to be forever.

She has a brain tumour. And is alone. Her reality is altered and very scary. Nothing is staying in her mind. Her memory, speech, balance, gait, processing skills, cognition and continence have all been affected. She’s not doing it on purpose.
I have done everything suggested for her, but even a water bill made her cry yesterday because she couldn’t understand it.

Stupidly harsh on OPs mum