I don't know where to start with this and would just love to have other mums opinions. To cut a really long story short I have worked so hard - 60 to 80 hour weeks my entire career alongside a lengthy several year student contract early in my career to climb the ladder and earn more so that I can support both myself and my partner. This was all so that one day we could have a lovely little family and I probably like many others had this picture in my mind of what that looked like (very naive of me I will say). However every single job that I have ever had in this career, I have literally dreaded Sunday nights, I have procrastrinated tasks because I simply just couldn't handle so many things being thrown at me from different directions, the constant deadlines, the moving goal posts, I tried working on my admin, I tried working on my organisation, anything and everything I could do including self help books, talking to my bosses where I worked and nothing and I mean nothing got me out of the stress cycle, causing friction between my and my over half for me constantly being stressed out, full of anxiety and self doubt and many many evenings of tears. I tried job hopping moving from one type of role to another and despite where I worked nothing changed. Each job was refreshing as it meant zero inbox, zero prior work but as the months went on again, or years I slowly drowned yet again.
I stuck it out at my last job as long as I possibly could and knowing that I was now pregnant I knew I had to in order to keep our source of income. However my pregnancy wasn't what I had thought it would be. Essentially what happened in my journey to birthing our gorgeous baby was 9 months of me having hyperamisis gravidarum (HG) being sick all day every day, being hospitalised and on IV drips just to feel slightly better after not eating or keeping anything down drink wise for 7 days at a time over and over. There were times were I would be sick on teams calls and just keep going, turning off my camera and mic before being prompted by work to ask if I was still there "listening" or "paying attention", often getting comments like "you look like you are not listening". I also struggle when I am under stress with my memory thanks to constantly walking on egg shells as a child and trying to regulate my emotions in order to regulate my parents, I don't like confrontation and spent many a night in high school being dragged downstairs after my parents had a few too many and either being scolded, sitting at the kitchen table at 3am being told about all the woes in the world, or being shouted at until 5am and so I don't cope with confrontation. When it happens my body almost freezes so to avoid ever missing anything at work I would take notes in meetings and was told "this is distracting" despite sharing those notes with the team to try and be "helpful". This coupled with constant anxiety after miscarrying not 2 months before this and going through all of that, so constantly checking my underwear, constantly worried about going to the toilet, constantly worried that doing too much would lead to another. When I did miscarry I came in the next day to this workplace, blood soaking me and spending the time in the bathroom every 30 minutes changing my adult nappy so that I could carry on with the meeting without staining my chair and hopefully so no one would notice. When I got pregnant the last time I was also working my probation so I would scared to put a foot wrong. So I spent 9 months pretty much when I look back on high alert, beyond scared and slowly as the months went on my health also deteriorated further, I got sciatica and couldn't walk so exercise just became "not a thing to do" coupled with my worry of somehow hurting the baby. Close to giving birth I was two weeks overdue and started to feel pretty horrendous and was taken in by the hospital for inducement. That created contractions every minute, the inducement thing being lost somewhere in my body, having to have 6 injections to stop me being sick after telling them its HG over and over, spewing up the hospital dinner they gave me all over myself and in the sink, then during the birth being sick over and over again. The baby was stuck and it ended up being an emergency c section.
Honestly I didn't realise at the time how much this would affect me. Since I had to quit my job or more not return after they wanted me to come in full time (previously flexible working) with a baby at home I just couldn't do it so I had to find work elsewhere, I thought this job was going to be my dream job and is it turns out the same patterns from previous jobs have come out, the Sunday night stress, the constant worry of missing things and as it turns out I have missed things and my new boss has pulled me up on it. I have realised that I don't work well with multiple channels of communication. I'm not sure genuinely if I am just not coping well, if its the brain fog that still has not lifted or if I have ADHD or something else going on. But what I will say is that I am just trying to do my very best to hold down a job and look after my baby at the same time. But what I am currently dealing with is heart flutters due to the level of stress I feel, I just feel like I am not good enough, I have huge imposter syndrome and have even woken up at 3am in the morning (6 hours before work) to try and get ahead so that I can semi-relax that day but truthfully I am behind with my work as I just can't keep up - cue weekend working again to try and catch up and the cycle continues. I feel like I am not spending enough time with my baby, I hate being glued to my desk and not giving him attention that he so rightly deserves and I would love to give to him. I am doing all I can to get fit again in terms of walking and other mobility movements but the weight isn't shifting partly due to what I feel is a sort of eating response post baby where I do overeat and I do snack far too much its almost like a scarcity mindset which I think was caused by the HG. I've never been one for appearances but I can't look at myself currently, my clothes are cutting into me and honestly I just want the stress to go.
I do have a partner and he is 100% supportive and he is not the problem he makes tea, cleans, listens to me, tries to help where possible but even he has said you are just not yourself, you are so negative and honestly I am, I complain about every little thing on the work front, I take every email or message as if its a criticism, again on probation so scared of losing my job). He also has to work and is trying to figure things out at his side as his work currently isn't stable and for every hour that he looks after the baby during work hours, its an hour that he doesn't get to work. It's hard, and I knew being a mum was going to be a challenge and have understood that people have to make sacrifices and its not always easy balancing everything out. I don't think I have postpartum depression at all or PTSD from the birth which was traumatic but I am normally the type of person to look at things logically and try and look at the bright side of which we are both here and I am grateful for every second with my baby. My problem is that my negativity is now becoming a problem in our relationship and I want to fix it believe me I do, I just wish that I could have a moment to think things through and try and heal. For context I have been working since the baby was 6 weeks old and right up to 6 weeks before the baby was born and I am tired, couple that with the baby teething and has been unwell, 3 nights of broken sleep if any at all and feeling like I am just not good enough as a partner and specifically employee.
I guess what I am trying to ask with all of this is, is the way that I am feeling normal, what can I do to try and get rid of this brain fog, should I look at another career and retrain? What have others done in the past to try and find that balance? I just am a little bit lost at the moment, I don't want to burden my family with my negativity or my partner anymore as everything that could have been said has been said and I think at this point I just really need an external opinion and would appreciate any thoughts here.