Husbands grievances at work

[njg575]

My husband works for an NHS trust and over the last year or so he has raised several formal grievances. He is now also talking about whistleblowing.

I am not saying he’s wrong, or that there aren’t genuine issues.

But in practice, this has completely taken over our lives.

He is obsessed with it. Every conversation at home comes back to emails, policies, managers, “next steps”, legal advice. Evenings, weekends – it’s always there. He pores over documents for hours. He replays conversations again and again. He often seems almost amused by it all, like it’s a game of chess he’s enjoying playing.

I’ve seen how these things can turn very ugly. Protracted disputes, people becoming consumed by it, mental health deteriorating, people ending up signed off, or ultimately having to leave their jobs. A couple have had breakdowns. That’s what I see coming, and he just laughs it off when I say I’m worried.

I’ve tried to explain that even if he’s “right”, the process itself can be brutal. That there might be a point where protecting himself and his future matters more than being right. He sees this as me not being supportive.

AIBU to be questioning how much longer I can live with this? And if anyone has been through something similar – either as the partner of someone in an NHS dispute, or as the person raising the grievance – how did it end? What helped, if anything?

Gentle replies appreciated

What is he raising grievances about?

It sounds like he might be using the grievance process inappropriately if he’s enjoying it so much, it shouldn’t be fun for either party.

I have known someone do this sort of thing - it was a bit of a “special interest” for her, she also enjoyed taking her employers to tribunal (did it 4 times) which is also not something people usually find to be fun.

has anything changed for him in the last year that would have triggered something like this? If he’s not careful we may find himself on the end of disciplinary action for abuse of the process, especially if the grievances are largely against the same people.

Hi OP, I work in a senior role HR - not in the NHS but elsewhere in the public sector.

I’ve experienced situations like this many times and it’s very rare that it ends in a way that is satisfactory for anyone. We do everything we can to get conflict situation resolved through informal routes like mediation, for exactly that reason. I’m not saying there’s never a role for these formal processes - there are times where a person is badly wronged and it must be addressed and not brushed under the carpet. But in the majority of these cases I have dealt with, everyone has walked away unhappy.

you’re absolutely right that these formal processes are brutal and even if he is “right” (and in my experience it’s rarely black and white) he won’t walk away from this without emotional scars and it sounds like it is also damaging you and your marriage.

What is the outcome he is hoping to achieve? Maybe that’s the thing to try and get him to focus on? And once he’s clear on the outcome he wants to achieve, there may be an easier path to getting there. Perhaps he could do with some counselling to help him work through this?

His current behaviour seems a threat to your marriage and your and any DCs’ wellbeing.

I experienced similar as a teen DC in this situation. Parents’ marriage survived. It was rough for us all.

Could make sense for you to seek counselling as a couple and for DH to do so alone.

Rather than encourage him to drop the case(s) would focus on asking him to maintain better boundaries at home, and accepting reasonable limits of your ‘support’. If he won’t do that and sees it as you not ‘supporting’ him, without reciprocal consideration of impact of his absorption with this on you and the DC, and it worsens, would consider separating.

He often seems almost amused by it all, like it’s a game of chess he’s enjoying playing.

weird

I think there can be weird drama, highs and games in situations like this.

As OP says there can be risks to health and earning ability.

In a professional capacity, I see people who become obsessed and consumed about alleged wrongdoings which may or may not exist. I know of one whistleblower who asserted a colleague was going to steal a contract their employer could have fulfilled. It would have involved chartering an ocean going boat with a full crew in a foreign country as a first step. It was utterly ludicrous and totally in his imagination. To be honest, in your situation I think your husband has gone a long way down the rabbit hole. I am sorry but I would be re-evaluating staying married. I always feel sorry for the spouses of these men - it's usually men - because their lives are never made better by these obsessions. I have seen people run through their entire savings on these pointless crusades.

I work in private sector so maybe I just don't get it but like... just get a new job in a different department or hospital.
Repeated grievances smacks of looking for a payout to me.

I'd have zero time or interest in what you are describing and I'd be clear he.needs to pack it in and get a new job or you'll be considering your options... in the mean time he needs to just shut up about it it as you have no interest in listening to this shit.

I'm not sure id want to stay married to someone like this. It might be a terrible thing to say but it wpuld make me lose respect for them

‘Protecting himself and his future’

indeed, and his health and medium to long term earning ability, marriage and you and any DC you have.

It’s OK to be concerned for yourself and any DC in all this.

Senior NHS manager here, and you have my sympathy because you are right.

In my 20+ years in corporate NHS roles I have never seen a grievance situation end well for the person who raised the grievance. Regardless of the rights and wrongs, grievances wreck relationships and trust. Your DH will acquire a reputation and will find advancement difficult. It will end either with a settlement/ payoff to make him leave, or an awkward stasis where he is tolerated but never trusted.
It's a shame, but at the end of the day large organisations need people who can rub along with others without making too much of a fuss. Part of that is knowing when to back down and when not to care.
Obviously there is a place for genuine whistleblowing, but even here I would caution that there are right and wrong ways to raise issues. Taking pleasure in it like it's a game is not the right way.
You are right to worry for the reasons you're worrying. I would advise your DH to take a step back and think about what he wants both now and in the future. Sometimes it's better to let some things go in order to have a more fulfilling time at work.

In my 20+ years in corporate NHS roles I have never seen a grievance situation end well for the person who raised the grievance
In the NHS 22 years, raised three grievances and all three have gone my way. I didn't think it was any sort of entertainment. I tried very hard each time to avoid getting to that point. Sadly, they are too many NHS managers/directors who think they can do what they want and intimidate those under them hoping they will give up or leave.

Each time I was happy with the outcome. Each time was a case of no hard feelings, and I actually had a better relationship with the person concerned afterwards.

Saying all that, it's not good if it overtakes the person and that's all they can talk about at home.