How do workplace favourites become part of the inner circle?

[InspiralCarpetters]

Those people who are always the favourites there faces fit they get special treatment and so on...if you are one of those people how did you go from nobody to somebody. I work hard on projects, mergers, presentations and go the extra distance but I am not "one of them" and that is very clear. What am I doing wrong? Do I need reassess and admit that my face doesnt fit in my current role? Or is there a big secret I do not know about? I want in on the inner circle but after three years I would be outer outer circle at best. Advice?

Have you ever fitted in or is this a pattern throughout life?
Maybe someone will come along and give you a business strategy but I know at almost 60 I am likely neurodivergent and that explains so much, had I realised earlier I think it would have been easier to accept I could only be part of certain cliques by masking hard.

That didn’t mean I wasn’t celebrated at times for my success work wise.

Round my type of people I am front and centre albeit it our circles tend to be delightfully squashed ovals.

I don’t really agree with the idea that if your face fits you’re in a special club. But I do know that I have built up a lot of political capital over time (decades) by playing by the rules, being reliable, conscientious, a safe pair of hands who produces high quality work to timescales without needing chasing, and when necessary being willing to take on over and above to get something done. I have helped out colleagues in areas other than my own when I can, and as a result I am asked to take responsibility for important areas of work or things where careful handling is necessary, because senior managers know I can be trusted to produce well-judged results, on time and with minimal instruction, so I make their lives easier. The fact I often put myself out to help others means that others are ready to reciprocate when needed, so it might look like I occasionally get special treatment, but that’s because I need something (flexibility, some cover at the last minute) and I’ve provided that for others so I get it back. It’s all about reputation and reciprocity. Not about being in a special club.

I agree with the @UpTheWomen . I think I’ve always been able to do this at work (and outside of work) and it’s because I’ve built up social ‘credit’ if you like that means I’m then afforded some flexibility or freedom. I work hard, take on extra responsibility without fuss, and am extremely flexible. I don’t mind when things chop and change and can be totally responsive to this. It means I get to join in with novel tasks etc because people know I’ll just get on with it. I also love chatting to and caring about my colleagues and their lives which again leads to reciprocity and positive associations

I have fitted in previously but changed paths due to more of an interest in my current field. Reciprocity seems a perk for the chosen few as far as my experience has demonstrated. If you are not favourited, you are stuck in a loop where because opportunities are not offered, your potential is unknown. I am asking how you break the cycle without having the perks of favouritism in the first place. I feel it is a Catch 22 and I am looking for advice as after three years of an echo chamber, I am questioning whether I need to plan a strategic job hunt instead. Apologies for sounding bitter - I feel a fool for wasting three years when I could have made more of an impression elsewhere.

Agree with everything @UpTheWomenand @Pineapples123said, it’s rarely about being the right face, rather having the right attitude over a sustained period of time, and in my organisation there is definitely a very diverse mix of those who might be viewed as ‘favourites’. Have you spoken to your manager about wanting more opportunities and asked how you can volunteer to do extra work?

Yes lots of times. I am met with variations of "Jo is covering that!" or "That is Claire's forte but thanks for the offer". "Fern has expressed an interest in this in her last review so this time she will have the opportunity" It is always the same - you are too late - the favourites get priority. The boss rotates through the favourites covering all bases so I do not get a chance. This is also raised at every review and I still have no opportunities. Do I need to ask for a performance review? What steps can I take to break this cycle of "no thanks"? I have no sickness, extra training, specialise in my field and they have known me for three years - approaching four now. Totally aware I sound like I am griping but I am tired of being kept at arm's length.

Leave, if you can. You can't change them, you can't make them want you in the club.

I have actively worked on this myself in the past, it's possible to enter that circle with some luck. I would say:

Make sure your work is visible, don't assume your manager knows what work you do. Give them short updates: “Here’s what I’ve done, impact, and next steps.” Show them outcomes, not effort.
Build their trust over time, they favour people they trust under pressure. Deliver on time and be consistent (not just brilliant sometimes).
Share very little to nothing of your personal life unless the culture demands it. Never share a personal problem.
Never raise a problem without a solution - if you have to raise something do it retrospectively when hopefully you have solved it. If you personally can't do the resolution, when you raise the issue provide what you think the solution is.
What is the manager like? Detailed or big picture? Fast or thorough? Formal or not? Act accordingly.
Always show an interest in the team's goals, the big picture, organisational objectives and sometimes have informal conversations, but keep them short.
Have an air of calm and "trust me" vibes. Never flap under pressure. Never show annoyance. Compartmentalise.

It can also be very helpful to get some coaching on improving your leadership style at work. Rather than looking internally for it I went externally, paid for it and told no one. It paid off.

Caveat - I totally understand a lot of people will say that it should not have to be that way. But that's the way office politics works. I wanted the reward and went with it.

This has summed it up. I would be described as being in the "inner circle", but I think I've paid my dues and earned it!

I do think there is something about not your face necessarily fitting, but your personality fitting and making a more personal connection.

The basics have to be right of course, i.e. great at your work, hard working, flexible. But so many people do that. It makes you respected but not inner circle. I also agree about the comment up thread about building your capital - but that takes time and often the fastest way to get ££££ is to job hop every 2-4 years.

I’ve managed to get in the ‘inner circle’ quite quickly in most places I’ve worked by standing out with my personality as well as work and mirroring the values of the company. An example in my most recent job, a big ish company of 3000 employees - within 3 months my reporting line changed two levels higher into the CEO directly.

Always smiling, have an (appropriate) laugh and a joke with people (more senior if possible,) treat them as human. You need to be noticed. I dress more smartly than most so stand out that way. Mirror the values - if the CEO likes emailing at 9.30pm on a Friday pop back a quick reply (even if it annoys you internally!!) I’m also generally well liked which helps.

Honestly - it’s a bit of an act / playing the part. At home I’m an entirely different person! But it’s worked for me.

I don't know if I've ever been quite what you describe but every boss I've ever had has leaned on me heavily and confided in me on, involved me in things that were above my paygrade, often things they probably shouldn't have shared with me.

I think it happens because I listen and support, but also because I'm not scared to give an honest opinion. I'm happy to go above and beyond, but I very much expect that flexibility to work both ways.

Dh was refused partner at one of the Big4 because he wasn't one of the boys - he wasn't seen as someone the senior partner wanted to hang out with at the bar. This was not hearsay - it was said directly to dh by the senior partner who promoted his mate to partner. Don't feel too bad for dh - the senior partner who had opened doors for him retired so dh lost his sponsor and had to moved on, no promotion was going to happen after that.

How often do you just have a chat with people? being part of the inner circle isn’t so much about being the one who does the work and is good at the work. I spend a lot of time getting to know people and building relationships. I am also good at my job. If you spend all your time doing the work you’ll never be visible.

I am one of the inner circle, I have been since I arrived. If you saw how I operate you’d see me as someone who gets all the opportunities perks etc. I was a somebody from the start, people take a bit of time to scope you out, once they realise what you're about - that’s the point where you get “in”. It’s near impossible to get inducted into the inside circle when you’ve been there a long time tbh.

It has nothing to do with face not fitting. As others have said, it's more about building up social credit over time.

I’m not sure I’d want to be one of the boys. I’ve seen these types and they just seem so phoney. I’ve worked in places where you were judged on merit and currently at somewhere that’s like an old boys club and it’s sucking the life out of me. There are those who can laugh at all the jokes and brown nose the bosses but it just feels so obviously fake. Not really sure if there is a solution. Hope your DH got some sort of career progression with decent people.

I’ve seen this at work. And I marvelled at how a newcomer inveigled their way in. And it really was by being prominent. And sucking up. Meeting managers socially.

Btw I have built up relationships, across many teams and am considered trustworthy and reliable as well as experienced. But my face doesn’t fit.

I’m definitely in the inner circle and am ND.

I have always been considered quite charming and popular. I’m not sure it’s a skill you can learn though.

I talk to everyone from the lowest to the highest paid and treat everyone with kindness and respect. I never brown nose or jump around doing extra “look at me!” work.

I will be honest. I do have some staff who I value more than others. But it has fuck all to do with sucking up, and I don't socialise with any of them outside of work (and wouldn't want to).

For me, it is simply about what they bring to the team, typically in terms of skills and attitudes. Nothing more, nothing less.

That’s good to read. I do see managers like you. And they’re great to be managed by.

My immediate manager is fair. And values all the different skills of the team. And no one sucks up. We all get access to opportunities.

I think it’s apparent in other teams though. It’s the sign of an under confident manager imo. This one person I’m thinking of had a meteoric rise through the ranks. She is very upfront about her methods too.

@InspiralCarpetters lots of great advice here. I do think you could drive yourself a bit mad trying to fit in as you'll never be everyone's cup of tea. Some of my department used to be very clique but now most have left. The new head just values hard workers and doesnt care much if you are going for drinks later.

Personally id focus on being more interested in others, look more interested in work. Im going to try dressing better as well!

Interesting question.

I work really hard, am definitely the dependable one that shoulders the load. The quality of my work is high too. I talk to everyone equally from the cleaner to the top man and basically treat others how I'd like to be treated

However, I've never been in the in-crowd at work.
Whilst I get on well with those my level and below, I'm generally not chums with those above who are happy to benefit from my work ethic but dont care if I'm overburdened and overlooked.

Those in the in-crowd are generally pretty average but suck-ups and I just don't do that. I wouldn't know how to do it and would feel ridiculous.

Within my team, I do have a favourite. She works harder and better than everyone else - that can be measured objectively. We also get on well. We come from different backgrounds but have loads in common. There are times she is very nice about me as a manager and whilst I think she is being truthful, I don't like it it, it's not necessary.

I have ADHD. Fairly recently diagnosed and I expect that is why I can't make the career boosting social connections.