Juggling work and sleepless nights?

[Exhausted110]

I travel a lot for my work (driving on bad roads no public transport options as very remote) and I absolutely love my job. However I'm also a parent to a small child and I'm worried about how to manage this with sleepless nights. A lot of the time I'll push through but there's been a few times recently I've nearly felt myself nodding off and have had to pull in to rest my eyes or get out for a walk around to wake myself up before continuing. It's just me and dc so there's noone to split any night wakes with but it also makes me very aware that I need to be careful with myself as if anything happened to me dc would be left with only extended family.

We had a particularly bad night last week and I had about 1 hr very broken sleep and had to rearrange my diary to wfh because I felt genuinely unsafe to drive the 5 hr round journey I had planned. My manager is due back from leave and I'm a bit worried how he'll react to that as it did mean i had to hand over a meeting to a couple of colleagues (a few of us were going to attend and realistically it was a job one person could easily do on their own but it's nicer to do things together sometimes) and instead focused on admin tasks so i was still productive and worked my full hours. Normally he's understanding and flexible and if he'd been working I'd have checked with him first and I'm sure he'd have said it was fine. But it's got me worried about if this happens more often as dc is due to start school soon so I'm anticipating more illnesses.

I really don't mind on days I'm in the office or working from home or locally but I do long drives at least 3 times a week. How do others manage this especially if you're a lone parent? I've really appreciated this job as it gives me much better security and better hours for my field and I'm much more financially stable in it so I don't want to leave over this.

I've had insomnia since late teens/early 20s, so over 30 years. I don't have children, and from what I can gather from friends who do, the sleeplessness from being able to sleep but kept awake by children might be harder. I slept 3 broken hours last night, but I'm used to it and I don't have other demands of keeping a little one alive. So, that said, it's so hard juggling sleeplessness and work! This is hopefully temporary for you, though I read a lot of threads on here that highlight just how off the good for script things can go for parents. I'm a manager, I'd suggest you get to know all your special leave, parental leave, sick leave, etc., policies before your manager gets back from leave.

You safety should be works no1 priority and they have to consider reasonable adjustments - can they rework your job so you have less travel? You don’t say what you do for work which might help answer…

It's a community based job, it's a bit niche so don't really want to be too outing for obvious reasons! Travel is a key part of my role which 99% of the time is fine I just am not sure where I'm left if something like that happens again where I genuinely don't think I'd be safe driving - for myself or others if I'm that tired. But then I know that parents are kind of expected just to get on with it a lot of the time.

When my child's father was still around we always worked it between us so whoever had a longer commute/ more 'important' day prioritised sleeping and the other took the hit with the night time care but now it obviously all falls to me so it just worries me as I am really motivated in work and want to be sure I'm performing well too.

You have my sympathy - lack of sleep is horrible. But if your DC is nearly school age, I wouldn't assume you just have to accept this level of disturbance. Have they developed a habit of needing you there to get back to sleep? If you've got some annual leave perhaps you could use it for a sleep training program. There's loads of info out there, but you will need to stick to it rigidly and might need to accept a few nights of things being worse until they get better. Even if your DC initially gets upset about changes to how you respond at night, they'll get used to it and it's in their interests to have a functioning Mum who doesn't crash her car or lose her job. I wouldn't just accept what you describe as a 'norm' with small children. Yes, some sleep better than others but most can improve beyond this. Good luck.

Could you discuss option of using teams for meetings? With the current fuel shortages looming, we may find a lit of roles are having to resort to this where they can.

Could you stretch to a sitter coming in over night to help?

Co sleeping really does help you get through the bad nights till they a re a bit older and might be useful. My partner used to work away and me and kids would always start our nights in own beds but they would end up in with me too. I didn’t mind as it meant we all slept rather than the stop start of disrupted sleep.

i would also be going above and beyond with other tasks at work staying late, ensuring he knows your doing all you can to be a team player where you can.

How old is your child and what does overnight sleep currently look like?

Dc is 3 and honestly is normally a good sleeper for the most part and will sleep 7.30-7.30 straight through however he's taken a notion about wanting to use the potty at night which is obviously great he's keen (dry completely during the day) so he's now waking up at midnight and wanting to use the potty for a wee but then is awake until 1am on a good night, half 3 on a bad night. He will go into his bed ok and he loves his room but every now and then I'll hear him moving around or he'll call out because he's bored. We had a full run of that for a week about a fortnight ago. That was tough but not so bad because I could lie in bed and doze even if I was being woken across the night. But enough sleep to function on. Then last week the night I'm talking about really, he was up sick so I think I got about an hour, maybe 2 at most of very broken sleep.

@dave I would be able to switch to teams if needed but some things I do need to attend in person. There's no way I could afford for a sitter. It would be short notice emergency sitting anyway in a case of sickness rather than anything planned. Co sleeping we've done as a last resort lots of times but I've never been able to sleep with him beside me, he moves a lot and I'm very aware of him.

It's hard to explain without going into detail but I'm kind of an outlier internally in my role but I network closely with others in other roles in different companies. But I do take on extra work to help the team my role sits most closely with. Again working longer hours isn't possible as a lone parent, I need to be present for nursery pick up and drop off each day and then it's dinner/ bath/ bed/ housework before I can sleep and that's my whole life really apart from at weekends. If there's something urgent that needs done I'll turn on my laptop after dc goes to bed to deal with it but other than that I feel like I need to be quite boundaried with work to ensure I'm showing up at home the way I need to. As a lone parent I don't have another person to pick up the slack I would otherwise drop for work.

My issue really is when there's a rough patch of sleep or illness how best to manage that rather than this being every night if that makes sense?

It would be really nice if employers did that but I can’t see any making ‘reasonable adjustments’ for someone who is too knackered to perform their role. Maybe informally with an understanding manager but otherwise it’s very difficult.

Op it sucks, I was doing similar for the last three years and eventually cracked and got a very local job. It’s soul destroying and can be scary when you know you’re at risk of falling asleep.

This is it. I do have a decent amount of flexibility in this role and can manage my own diary and can pick which days from a specified amount of wfh days. This is the first time its fallen on a day that's created an actual clash with my diary as such. But obviously there's a business to run and I totally get that my manager needs to manage a whole team fairly as well. I just wasn't sure if there's a proactive or better way people have found to manage those days? Touch wood we've done quite well in terms of illness this year and I'm carrying some annual leave into next year with the view to use it for school settling in etc but it's just that short notice element that really worries me as a lone parent because I can only plan so much in advance for that.

Firstly, hats off for acknowledging this as an issue. Some practical things I thought of (which might not be any use but worth a try!)

if your DC was sick last night then the same as any lone parent without backup, you’d have to be off today or wfh as they can’t go to nursery presumably, so if it’s just for odd days like that rather than a regular thing you may need to use annual leave to cover and then store your parental leave (usually unpaid) for covering school holidays if you’ve a shortage of annual leave as a sole parent.

for the driving when too exhausted, could you car share with a colleague or are you all coming from different directions? Could you meet them en route somewhere to make your travel time alone in the car much shorter (and get them to drive)?

For nighttime wees, we get our 4yo DS to have a dream wee when we go to bed around 10pm. So we lift him up (still sleeping) and to the loo, he wees, and then lift him back in. This prevents him waking himself up in the early hours and disturbing us, as he’s in a deep sleep when we lift him.

if he does happen to wake, we just allow him into bed as it’s easier than fighting him back to sleep

best of luck OP

You need to try and fit in more sleep whenever you can. I’ve been in a similar situation with my kid.

i survived by going to bed super early (8pm-ish). It’s rubbish because it feels like you have no you time but it’s needed. Stick to simple dinners so there’s less clean up.

i went through a 6 month phase of my kid starting her day at 4:30am!!! I would put CBeebies on and go back to sleep on the sofa or sometimes put the tablet on in bed. I would shut the door of the room so she couldn’t get up to mischief!

I know it’s not ideal tips but it’s survival. My daughter is now 6 years old, sleeping through the night, thriving at school, so it’s not done her any harm! We don’t watch tv in the mornings now, she understands that and doesn’t argue about it

and also co-sleeping helped stop the night wake ups sooo much. I slept in the same bed as my daughter for a couple of years and it’s only since age 5 that she sleeps on her own.

Another vote for co sleeping

Yep co sleeping, we did the dream wee as per OP above, and go to bed super early on nights you know you have a long drive. Buy a fabulous coffee machine! Also mine had a yoto player for if he woke up at night so he could listen to a story easily and go back to sleep - super easy for toddlers to use. Do you have have any relatives that can help nearby? My DH used to work away and I can remember trying to work when id been up 6-8 times a night with small kids- i swear there were somedays i left and couldn't remember what I had done!

My parents are nearby and do help if I'm really stuck but I also know they don't really want to do it and I'm also conscious they're getting older and if dc is sick I don't really want him passing that on to them. So i only ever ask for help with childcare if he's sick/nursery is closed and i have to work. They did kindly take him for me last week on the day he couldn't go to nursery so I'd be able to work the issue was really just the driving such a long distance.

My manager in the past has mentioned he'd be fine if I needed to work from home because he was ill (volunteered this i would never ask) but I know I'd get very little actually done and would end up working after I did bedtime in order to make sure I did my hours. I would never want to be seen to be taking the piss.

My team are spread all over the country so we're all coming from opposite directions so lift sharing isn't an option unfortunately.

It sounds ridiculous but I really struggle with co sleeping, I breastfed so did it on and off for 2 years but since becoming a lone parent I have absolutely zero time to myself other than maybe an hour or two before I go to bed and then when I'm asleep and ill be honest I really crave that space as much as I wholeheartedly love my child. It's just very intense so those moments feel like a bit of downtime mentally for me. I've never been able to sleep with him beside me and I had a bad time post partum with anxiety and intrusive thoughts and even now I find decent sleep is really, really key to me keeping on top of that.