How to tell my Manager I'm struggling?

[Elixir86]

I’d really appreciate some advice on how to raise with my line manager that I’m struggling in my new role.

I’ve been there almost 8 weeks and everyone has been genuinely lovely and supportive, but the overall working setup just doesn't seem to fit for me.

It’s a flexible hybrid role, but because of travel time and childcare logistics, I end up working longer days when I don’t have my kids so I can work from home on the days I do and make wraparound care before it closes at 5:30pm.
In reality, I’m not getting any more time with my kids and actually have less time for myself as I'm compressing my hours into longer days elsewhere.
I’m also finding it really isolating as a single co-parent as I can only attend the office on specific days, which often means I’m there alone.

My manager is really nice, which almost makes this harder, but I’ve had a niggling feeling from early on that the role might not be the right fit. I'm not sure I've figured out if the actual job is what I like (it's hit and miss), but the balance also matters a lot.

My previous job wasn’t perfect, but it had structure and purpose, and right now I feel like I’m just working for financial survival and aside from my kids I'm struggling to find any motivation in life.

How would you approach this conversation without sounding negative or ungrateful as I don't know what solutions there could be.

I think you need to know what outcome you want and what you're asking your manager to do.

Just saying you're struggling isn't entirely constructive, especially as some of what you describe is not about the job it's about your personal life. Your manager cannot do anything about the amount of personal time you get for yourself outside of work, for instance.

How long is it since you last moved jobs? It takes about 6 months to feel at home in a new job, so some of this is probably because it's still so new and you're adjusting to the changes. Why did you take this job? For lifestyle reasons or progression or something else?

The days you attend the office - why is it you can't change them? Childcare? Have you looked at arranging your time differently or any other small changes you could make?

Are you part of a team at work? How are you getting on with building relationships with colleagues? That could be something to think about whether you could arrange catch ups with people and work on that more.

If you came to me as your manager and said what you've put in your post, whilst I would be sympathetic on a personal level there's very little I can do about what you've said and I would take it as a preamble to a resignation. Have a think about what you would be trying to achieve by having this conversation and what's in your power to influence and what's in your manager's power to influence.

Really good advice above.

I understand all of your points but I don't know what you want. If you can clarify this it would guide the conversation.

By which I mean, break down the problem into much smaller pieces so it's more manageable to explore possible solutions for each piece. But do that yourself before involving your manager.

One of their first questions is likely to be along the lines of "what can I do to help with this?". Know what you're asking for from them and what a good outcome would look like for you before having the conversation.

Thanks. Those are some good points to think about.
I think part of it is more that they are very good at 1-2-1s and always ask how things are going. I feel like I'm telling bare faced lies when I say all is OK. But maybe I should continue in that stance?

Office wise it's the childcare side. I can't get back in time to be able to pick up the kids unless I leave really early and then I don't have the ability to make up the hours as I already do longer days when I don't have my kids.
So far there have been one or 2 team catch ups outside of work but they have/will land on days when I have my kids (just been unlucky) and I don't have family locally who can support if their dad isn't available, which he wasnt.
I was in my last role for quite a few years and left due to instability in the business. Think redundancies, liquidation and sales. I was safe but it felt like a slippery slope so I think i pressured myself into making a leap and crossing my fingers.

I definitely don't want to be jumping ship again without being sure as I think it puts a lot of pressure on a next role as it would have to be "right". Can't leave 2 jobs in quick succession.

I'll try and have a think about if it's maybe best to just not say, as I'm really aware that they are quite accommodating and I don't want to make a nuisance with no solutions if that makes sense.

You need to work the hours you're paid for and they're already letting you leave early. I'm not sure what solution there could be except a request to reduce your hours to more part time.

Can you give an outline of an example week and when you have your children/hours you work? I’m struggling to see what the issue is - if it’s flexible hybrid surely on days you don’t have your children you do long days in the office and on days you do have your children you work normal days from home? (For context I’m a single parent and have my DC 100% so this sounds like a good set up)

What is it about the role that you see as ‘hit and miss’? I got the sense from your OP that perhaps you don’t see the value in the work that you’re doing? Would it help to explore with your line manager how your role/team fits in to the values & purpose of the organisation - might give you more of a sense of how you can ‘fit in’ and your contribution? What is it about your old role that you miss in terms of the work? (So other than the people/familiarity) Are there opportunities to get involved in more similar work with the new company?

I agree with the other posters you need to give it 6 months and see how you feel then.

@DarkForces this is the thing, i don't know if there is a solution. Which is why I now know if I should keep lying that all is OK in my 1-2-1s.

@Throwsroseschocolate i find that for many people it's probably a good set up with the flexibility and hybrid options. But the massive thing for me is lack of contact and isolation.
On days I don't have my kids i leave by 7am and get home gone 6pm due to traffic and travel times. Then on a day with my kids I'm working around 9:30-5 (although with school drop offs I leave the house by 8am anyway)
I get this doesn't seem drastic, but my last few roles have been 9-5 but I've been close enough that I could just get the kids from work so this role is adding at least 4hrs a week to the working cycle.
I'm a people person and like the human contact from an office where you work/are around the noise and bustle.
With the role, I understand the fit in the wider business, I think it's just were wishy washy right now. I'm just doing odd bits across some different teams and don't have anything defined. I feel like I'm often just doing all the stuff they don't want and covering.
Part of the role is something new within the field, but so far I haven't been shown anything on it. Training has lacked on that side even though they know it's completely new.

First post sounded like a childcare juggle which can be a conversation about regularising working hours so you don’t feel guilty/ under stress for flexing it without clarity.

your update though sounds more like the community and collaboration aspect is the issue which definitely raise - I’m feeling a bit cut off because of the hybrid nature and emptiness of the office.
is it making it hard to learn the role? Or just your personality and work preference? Latter is also valid
could you ask for catch ups to change days on a rota so you’re available or be in work hours? Meetings to have an agenda item of something more relationship building/ getting to know people?

can you use online forums, discord etc? I’d probably have my friends on permanent WhatsApp if I worked from home partly because of the isolation!

I'd say it's my personality and working preferences more than anything @LottieMary
I know some people love to work in silence, but i thrive more when there are things going on around me.
Might be because the other aspects of my life can be quite quiet so for me work is an added social connection and my last work was noisy with a much bigger team to engage with.
I find even when the office is busy, people aren't really talking, it's very strange to me and definitely a personal preference.

It hasn't been long. I'd focus on building a network. If there's not a community of peers in your area speak to your manager about building one from across the organisation to align work and lessons learned. Make it tight and people you value. Get chatting and give it time.

Thanks @DarkForces Everyonr is lovely so I really want to find a way that it can work and I can get that balance. I'm very aware that it can be easy to be in a job where the people are just not very nice.

No problem. I manage a team and would be very happy if one of them wanted to do something like this. I think it's really important to mix across the organisation and being proactive about it is something I respect. Just put a spin on it to show how it benefits the team/your work

Oh love, eight weeks in and already feeling like this is tough, but that niggling feeling is worth listening to. Since your manager is nice, that actually makes this easier not harder. Try framing it as wanting to make the role work long term rather than a complaint, something like "I'm really enjoying the team but I'm finding the logistics tricky with childcare, could we chat about whether there's any flexibility with which days I'm in the office?" Be honest that you want to be present and visible but the current setup is leaving you isolated. A good manager will want to help you succeed. And please be gentle with yourself, adjusting to a new job as a single co-parent is massive, it's okay if it takes time to settle or even okay if it turns out not to be right.

@sarahd89 thanks. It's definitely been tricky but more from my perspective. They are really open about office days and have no strict set up other than the number you need to go in. There's 1 day that most of the team go in so I do that once a fortnight.
But my childcare means I have to be in a set routine and others seems to be switching around from what was initially implied at interview so I'm usually alone the other day I go in. Means 4 out of 5 days I'm alone (either in the office or home) which being honest isn't great for my mental health, the isolation and loneliness is hard.
The office days are long due to the commute and traffic so the whole balance feels off, for me.
But as others have said, I'm not sure there is a solution so I haven't yet raised is as Im not sure what I can get out of the situation, other than them being aware that I'm isolated.
You definitely remember your old role through rose tinted spectacles though, as I know there was a lot wrong with it, but I guess I did have the balance and structure right.

Just wanted to send you my sympathy. I can relate to some of your posts even though I don’t have kids. It must be really tough to juggle co-parenting and working full time.

I really struggle with the composition of the post-Covid workplace where hybrid working without set rhythms means that you’re often not working face to face and collaborating with your colleagues in the same way - all of which made the commute worthwhile.

My partner is the only member of his team based in our location and he goes in three days a week to sit on his own and finds it totally demoralising. I have a fab social office atmosphere but none of the people I work with on projects actually work in my office - so I spend all day on teams to people in other locations.

I don’t know what the answer is but just wanted you to know this can be quite common in organisations with the “new way of working”. There’s not the same office camaraderie that there used to be!