How can I be more bloody vocal in meetings?

[Thesofathatwas]

Any top tips?

It happened today as it does often.

Either I have absolutely nothing worthwhile to add or contribute or if I do, I get spoken over, interrupted or just overlooked.

Today it was my turn to contribute but I made the mistake of saying “ well I’m sure you all agree that……” which immediately invited in the opinions of Mrs interruptor, Mr talk over everyone and Mrs know it all to again blow me out of the water.
That was the sum total of my contribution to the discussion.
I just shut down and clam up.

I have:
Introversion
Imposter syndrome
social anxiety
People pleasing tendencies
Low self esteem

Top tips welcome 🤗

Are your meetings in person or online?

A lot of it down to confidence. Getting comfortable with speaking in public. I don't think there is a quick fix as such. You need to practise speaking in public and over time you'll feel more comfortable. Is there a Toastmasters or similar type of group near you?

Sometimes you have to fake it before you make it. I was part of a group where my voice was invisible. I raised some important points but they were ignored by the other members who were much more influential than me. Once, I felt really strongly about the direction of the group, said my point and was shouted down by Billy Big Balls. I ended up smacking my hand on the table and saying in an assertive voice 'I'd like it minuted that I've raised the issue of X and think we need to do Y'. Within 6 months X became an issue, we had to do Y, Billy Big Balls realised it meant he'd actually have to do some work instead of just taking the status and resigned, along with some others. I still listened more than I talked, but my voice got stronger and when I spoke, people knew they'd better listen because I knew what I was talking about. I ended up chairing the group and being asked to help other similar groups.

I have the opposite issue in that I will talk even if I know nothing...

Basically, interupt. Waiting for people to let you talk doesn't work. But use it sparingly otherwise you'll be an arse like me. If the talk over you, start talking again and make your point again. "As I was saying..."

i don’t know! They didn’t let me finish!
But yes, from what followed they did.

I cannot stand it when people interrupt or talk over people. It’s unnecessary and bloody rude.

Equally, when there’s not a seconds pause, it’s never the right time to pitch in.

Today I thought I’d found a pause, uttered a syllable and was immediately cut off and shut down. I followed up with “I think…” got no further, talked over and interrupted.

Gave up, sat back and shut down.

Is this an issue for others? If so, it suggests that your meetings need to be chaired more robustly. A good chair doesn’t let people be talked over, and she comes back to anyone who started to speak to invite them to finish.

If it’s just you, then dig your teeth in. Don’t give up - if you want to make a point, then raise your hand physically if you have to. Since the advent of Teams, the hand-raising has bled over into real life meetings and whereas once people would have just spoken, now they put their hands up if they’re waiting to speak. But make sure you get your say.

If you think the chair is useless, then speak to him or a manager outside the meeting and tell them that people kept speaking over you and ask for them to support you when it happens.

A few rules to work with

• don't apologise or seek permission for wanting to contribute.
• dont assume that people will agree with you, let your views stand as your views, you don't need other people's validation, for your views to be worthy of consideration

• A few empowering phrases to adopt:
• "I'd like to build on what you've just said ...." then add your point. Note there was no seeking permission or saying sorry for existing
• "In my experience ....." then add your point. Nobody can argue with you, it's your experience!
• If someone says something you don't agree with, "I take your point, but I've seen ....." then add your contrary view. What you don't want to do is be like Mrs know it all and shoot everyone else's ideas down in flames. Showing other people respect, whilst also getting your point across will start to make people see you differently. Be a bigger person than them, and still get heard.
• use the hands up in MS Teams, if it's a well behaved meeting everyone should use this to encourage turn-taking. If they don't, at the end of the meeting, suggest that it's used so people don't talk over each other,

I think we can all agree that this is a tricky situation, hence the meeting… it wasn’t a fun situation for anyone. I’d be surprised if any one disagreed!

Have a word with the chair of the meeting before the meeting to state you have views which are not listened to and request (or rather assert) that everybody should get a chance to speak.

Just say “excuse me” or “I’d like to make a point” rather loudly a few times and then say “As I was saying…”

If it’s online again, raise it with the chair that people should be on mute with hands up policy before speaking!

Email afterwards with your points too. “I didn’t get a chance to say this at the meeting but …”

Were you going to make an actual point or were you just saying it was a difficult situation?

Im a big talker too and know I talk rubbish half thd time but I am very considerate about what I say if im uncertain of thd group or in a highly formal situation

I think we can all agree that this is a tricky situation...

That's a bit waffly. Be concise and factual from the start. 'In order to comply with the regulations, we need to do xyz. In order to achieve that, I propose that...'

But I agree a lot of it is down to the chairman/woman to keep order. This sort of thing wouldn't happen if all remarks were required to be addressed to the chair.

Clearly in the group of people you're in, it's not rude or unnecessary. 😄

I'll add in a group where people are considerate, then it's not necessary but I didn't grow up in a family where people leave gaps for considered interjections.

Have some pre written down openers that don’t invite comment. So instead of “I’m sure you all agree that..” start with “The problem is..” “What should happen here is..” if you need a filler at all.

Practice makes perfect. When someone talks over you, talk over them right back. When they steal the mic (figuratively speaking) you steal it back. Don’t try to be reasonable, imagine what they would do and then take the floor again.

Practise makes perfect until you feel more comfortable doing this. You can also go around them by clarifying your points in writing after the meeting.

I eventually lost my temper with had to win the respect of the shouty people basically by pretending they were children. I ended up firmly telling them I was speaking, I would be finishing what I was saying and that as grown adults they could wait until I had finished. Possibly not the best move though depending on your environment. I remember I was terrified for weeks after it would come back to bite me. Realistically you need to work on your confidence. Do you have a mentoring scheme or a manager that you are comfortable to ask for support?

OP, I find it sometimes helpful to speak quietly in a deeper tone. People sit up to hear you and you sound very calm and confident. Good luck!

I agree. Also, as @HelenaWilson says conciseness is a skill. It conveys assuredness and confidence. Even if your argument is quite complex, if you can break it down into concise statements that can be easily followed (think of Hansel and Gretel's breadcrumb trail), you keep people on board.

An example:

"I think everyone can agree that it's a tricky situation because customers are used to the shop being open from 6pm to 11pm, but it costs such a lot to keep the shop open for all of those hours and I'm not really sure that it's the best use of resources. Not many people use the shop in the morning before 7 am and we hardly see anyone after 10pm. I think if we shortened the hours it might bring costs down a bit, but some customers could get angry that we're not open when they want us to be. Overall though, the money we save would be significant."

Vs:
"In the last 6 months, we've averaged 3 customers between the hours of 6-7am and 10-11pm. If we shortened opening hours to 7-10pm, we would save £x and although a few customers would be angry, they would adjust their shopping habits. I propose that we give 2 months notice of the new opening times."

It just comes with experience. I’m in my 20s at a senior level and I have experience leading meetings, ie as the chair or just directing them bc I’m the most senior person in the room. I also have meetings where I am the least senior person or otherwise need to remain a silent participant.

I just think you need to learn which type of meeting it is, who the audience is, what if anything is expected from you. Worst case scenario just prepare a script and stick to that script in the meeting. If you don’t want to invite such comments then don’t say “I’m sure you all agree”.

The chair isn’t doing their job if they let people do this, but if you’re to be heard you’ll have to train yourself to be assertive instead of giving up.
Learn some phrases such as “I have a point to make, please allow me to speak because I haven’t had a chance”. Speak calmly and firmly. Repeat if necessary.
They’ve learned that they can dominate by shouting you down, and you’ll have to put effort into making them unlearn it. Even if you have to say “I’ve had enough of being talked over and interrupted,I’m not letting it happen today.” This might feel uncomfortable to you but it’s reasonable. They are the ones being rude, not you.