Meeting with ex bully boss- hand hold

[Blueislandicedtea]

Hi All,

Name change for this.

i had a dreadful experience with two bullying bosses at a previous job which ended with solicitors being involved. I have a meeting next week with one of them and need some reassurance.

I was aware from the off that my manager was a bit of a prat- the type that would break in to long soliloquies about how great he was and would readily beat down on people to make himself feel good, but we muddled along for a few years.

That was until he hired his best mate and created a new line of management under him so she was now my line manager. I’d had very little contact with her in our small industry up until then but it turned out she was very disliked by her previous colleagues because she had a tendency to bully people. I witnessed her berating junior staff on calls (she also stopped a meeting once whilst she yelled at an electrician fixing a light in her office), extreme claustrophobic micromanagement and the MD had to step in and sit in her meetings because of the number of complaints about her.

I, meanwhile, was more than hitting my targets and had been promised a promotion to her level. Cue a short and unexpected illness and she put me in a capability assessment and PIP and tried to claim that 7 days off work meant I was no longer able to do my job.

Before I left she went in to one of my projects and deleted huge sections, made formatting changes that were then a mess etc, and generally tried to imply my work wasn’t good enough (a project manager flagged this to me). Her mate also tried to put the boot in and blamed me for a mistake a colleague had made 5 years before which I proved was untrue.

Solicitors sorted it out and I left but the effects have been long lasting. The company obviously claimed they weren’t at fault but I’m pretty sure they both got a bollocking because HR sent out a memo to everyone before I left outlining things managers were not allowed to do when people returned from sick leave.

She’s also not listed as line manager now.

This was 4 years ago and my anxiety is still very high.

She was at a conference I attended 2 years ago and she looked quite taken aback and then proceeded to blank me.

I now work for one of their clients and my old company is desperate for our money.

The project she edited/deleted etc has now come back (government commenting thing) and their changes have left us in a tricky spot.

There is a call next week with them to discuss it and, although I don’t usually work on small projects like this now, I've been asked to go because our company isn’t happy.

She won’t be there but he will be. This will be the first time I’ve spoken to him in 4 years. There will also be another person in the call who’s aware of what happened, was a support and then disappeared.

I know I’m technically in a position of power now but I feel a bit wobbly about it.

How much would you acknowledge him? How formal would you be etc? Do I go in as a hard arse, very business like or something else?

You know them. It's business. keep things factual. Although with a former grievance I'm surprised your firm is putting you on this work. Unless they want you to play 'bad cop'. Talk to your companies boss about how they expect you to play this.

No one at my company knows about this. The nature of me leaving means it was all confidential.

It maybe worth seeing if someone else could deal with the meeting. Either say you had to leave with a confidential settlement or you have some history with this particular person. You can be vague enough whilst still getting your point across.
If you do have to go ahead with the meeting, potentially record it for protection. Keep everything professional. Make a clear agenda for the meeting (and notes for yourself if needed).
Write yourself an affirmation and stick Infront of you during the meeting ie I can do this, I'm strong etc......
Keep breathing.....
Follow up the meeting with an email as to what was said/agreed etc

I think you need to declare your interest to your current employer. Depending on how you dealt with this when being interviewed, etc. You don't need to go into detail, but should probably not attend the meeting alone and should ensure it is recorded/minuted.

Are people recommending that I don’t attend in case it voids the agreement (e.g. I lose my shit and tell everyone what a dick he is)? Or in case it’s too stressful for me?

My industry is so small I’m going to bump in to these people, and unfortunately I’m the only person in my company who can deal with the subject of the meeting. It’s a very technical meeting. So I won’t be able to opt out unless something else significant crops up.

'Their changes have left us in a tricky spot'

Your current company is in a tricky spot because of the bad changes your pervious boss made to a project you worked on 5 years ago, that you were blamed for? Not sure if I'm understanding.

If you have to do it treat it like any other meeting polite and business like until or unless it all goes pear shaped. Be prepared for a robust meeting!

Oh, I think this is a brilliant opportunity for you.

You ARE in a position of power but keep your head high. Be coolly detached, like they’re beneath you and don’t bother you…because they are and they don’t.

I feel for you as I’ve been through a similar “did them for bullying, small industry, passed one in the street a few weeks later and he could only look at the floor as I passed him”. But, in that instance, I didn’t shit on him or be cruel…just detached. They know what they did. You know what they did. You’ve moved on and they’re in the shit :)

Just treat it like any other meeting. Hello then down to business. Its nearly half a decade ago, leave it in the past

I would say to your current employer that you are unable to deal with this person in any way, for prior contractual reasons. If they continue to push for a reason, tell them that the person was previously your boss and you left that business because of them and it would not be professionally appropriate to say why.

"The project she edited/deleted etc has now come back (government commenting thing) and their changes have left us in a tricky spot.

There is a call next week with them to discuss it and, although I don’t usually work on small projects like this now, I've been asked to go because our company isn’t happy."

Your current company "isn't happy" - about what? With who? In what way is your current company "in a tricky spot"?

Are you going to have to tell your old company to make changes? Or tell them your current company will have to use another supplier because their work isn't adequate?

Play it as you would if it was somebody you'd not dealt with before ... firm, fair, professional.

You hold the cards now, not them. They need the business and I'd bet that he'll be as nice as pie to you and act like nothing happened.

I'd be polite but steer quickly away from any small talk and just deal with the work topic.

You owe them nothing.

You are the client now?

Then it is they who will have to mind their Ps and Qs

And they will be aware that you have a firm grasp of the project and its issues

You have the upper hand. So just smile and remember, no matter how senior he is in his company he is a supplier for yours

Be professional, courteous and confident. Fake it until you making, as they say

You might enjoy it 😉

You surely were asked at interview why you left the former employer? If you're feeling wobbly about the meeting, the best thing you can do is have an honest conversation with your current boss and be sure you have their backing and encouragement. You don't have to go into details on the settlement agreement.

That sounds very stressful, I really feel for you. If you really have to do it, I’d be icily polite and professional and not acknowledge any of the past. Don’t introduce yourself but also don’t acknowledge that you've ever met. Just keep things very on topic and make sure you have lots of notes and just read from them if you get flustered or worried. Can you keep your video off so that at least you don’t have to worry about what your face is doing?

Agreed. Stay classy San Diego.

You hold all the cards

I'd keep my tone and language very neutral but factual and I would politely question areas where theres a quality issue or short fall. Then oce you ask stay silent. Dont fill the space.
Where delayed ask for next steps and what process is in place to prevent further delay.

As an fyi Keeping a neutral face and not giving nonverbally cues is very disoriented for the person on the receiving end (ie he will get very nervous and flustered and ne thrown off his stride). People find it more stressful then if people are frowning or looking like they dont agree!

Afterwards you can with the junior members draft the as discussed where you can tell them the were weighed and measured and found wanting.

Def do not panic and give them ethe extra business they need / or lenient extensions on delayed work!!

Do NOT tell your employer. Keeping schtum about even the existence of the settlement and NDA will be part of the settlement/NDA.

Do you know what I love about your op @Blueislandicedtea. These two statements.

1. I work for their client now and they are desperate for our money
2. I I no longer work on small projects like this.

both of those things made me happy. You’ve clearly moved onwards and upwards since you left these losers behind. Try and remember that when you meet. Treat them with icy civility. If you don’t feel icy, fake it till you make it.

You don’t need to lose your shit.

In my case a horrendous line manager came into the role above me and he thought he was gods gift. In one meeting in front of others he called me a liar and also a bitch in front of a client. I left and got a promotion elsewhere. He disappeared ‘for personal reasons’ and my complaint against him disappeared.

Two years later he rocks up back down in a junior role - two below me wtf? He looked like a fucking rabbit in the headlights. I went into the meeting and did greeting and then acknowledged him by saying ‘Good to make a start right then Simon - bring me up to speed on project X what have you completed so far- break it down for me’

he didn’t so much squeak in my team - he was just glad to get out alive.

If anyone asked if I knew him I stated we had prior dealings but this was a new project.

someone asked if he was a good egg and I raised an eyebrow (very effective) and said I will be looking carefully as the work he produces and the team dynamics around him. That spoke volumes.

@Princessoflitchenstein that’s brilliant! such a satisfying ending!

I’ve been waiting for this opportunity to pull them up on this since I saw they were trying to sabotage my work and I knew I was moving to the client! The boss is a nasty arrogant bastard though.

I went to a small conference a couple of years ago and suspected the main bully might be there- I walked in to the restaurant of the hotel for breakfast and there she was! I made sure to sit at the table next to her 😂

Thanks for everyone’s advice!

The call happened yesterday and I think I handled it well.

I was a few minutes late because of another meeting overrunning so they’d had to sit and make small talk whilst they waited and it seemed to have really rattled the ex colleague who’d been a good friend but then abandoned me when the shit hit the fan. I calmly apologised and explained my meeting had overrun and She went in to a slightly manic story telling episode which left everyone a bit confused. I sat calmly through it whilst the ex boss sat with his arms folded across him and hand over his mouth, looking uncomfortable.

He looked terrible- unshaven and bedraggled.

I quickly took over and explained the issues and then went in to detail about what they needed to do to rectify it. He added a comment about another issue so I interrupted and explained that that wasn’t the critical issue here and we needed them to focus on the issues I’d just outlined first. They agreed and outlined what they would do so I took the opportunity to point out that that was great but they were asked to do this 3 months ago and failed to do any of that. I explained we need high quality, in depth technical reports and what they’ve delivered so far isn’t good enough. They’re to rewrite the documents the way I’ve told them to and I will check it before they can go on to further tasks.

They’ve since sent minutes and a list of actions so I’ve corrected them to include every detail I requested and sent it back.

Obviously slightly harder to tell over camera but they seemed to struggle and I’m hoping I came across as confident and unfazed.

Well done @Blueislandicedtea Absolutely knocked it out of the park. Bet they went away feeling pretty miserable.

Well, congratulations. That must feel good. Remember how easy it was, store that feeling for next time your confidence dips

Woo hoo
This is a great update.