I’m in deep pain. I feel completely eroded and I don’t know how to get myself out of this hole.
i started my dream job six months ago. I hated it on the first day and was hugely disappointed but I tried to get used to it, be patient, make a difference and as many people advised, it can take months to settle in.
I’m trying to make sense of my situation and would really value perspective. I’m going to describe patterns rather than isolated incidents to try and keep it anonymous .
the organisation I work for is ‘good’ and held in high esteem in our community. I don’t want to do anything that will harm that plus it’s a small town and word travels fast, I don’t want to be seen as a problem employee.
Prior to me taking this role, it’s was held by a good friend of the manager who was the first person to hold this job and’made it their own’ with no clear structure.
the job I am expected to do is not the job I applied for and following oblique or unwritten rules could have serious risk attached
I’m repeatedly placed in situations where organisational or policy problems are subtly reframed as my personal shortcomings.
Issues around consistency, clarity, or process are redirected onto me with language that implies it’s about my personality rather than the system.
I’ve been publicly characterised in ways that undermine my professional role (e.g. framed as “too nice” or unable to say no), including in front of colleagues and external professionals.
Impact on me: I feel scapegoated and exposed, and it damages my professional credibility as well as my personal confidence. I feel I am challenging daily to defend not only myself but advocating for the community we support
Personal comments have been made about my tone, energy, or perceived resilience rather than about my work.
My capability has been questioned in group settings rather than addressed privately or through supervision.
When I raise legitimate concerns, the framing shifts to my emotional state or character instead of the substance of what I’m saying.
I feel humiliated, defensive, and increasingly anxious about speaking up.
My disability and chronic health needs are often treated as temporary or incidental rather than ongoing and structural.
adaptations which were agreed before I accepted the job have not materialised, my needs are ignored or I have to keep reminding why x is difficult for me. It’s having a significant impact on my health
Access needs have been reframed as me being “unwell today,” which undermines my professionalism.
I’ve been asked personal or inappropriate questions about my health and capacity to work.
Concern is expressed in ways that feel performative and destabilising rather than supportive, eg ‘boohoo sad face’ and exaggerated facial expressions .
I feel exposed, diminished, and unsafe. Some of this feels like disability-related harassment all done in a completely’innocent’ and seemingly interested and benevolent manner .
Decisions that fundamentally shape my work are made without my involvement, despite me being the primary person doing that work.
Meetings are arranged in ways that don’t account for my access needs, even when these are known and needs were discussed prior to appointment and agreed accessibility would be provided before I started.
Others (including placement students or external people) are invited into discussions about my area of work without collaboration with me.
I feel marginalised, isolated, and stripped of authority in my own role.
I’m given conflicting messages about expectations, limits, and responsibilities.
Policies are described differently at different times, depending on context or audience.
I’m expected to absorb risk and emotional fallout without having clear written frameworks to rely on.
when I say this out loud it’s reframed as ‘is that because of your disability?’
Decisions feel personal rather than procedural, which is unsafe for both me and the people I work with.
Management decisions are often justified using stories, unnamed sources, or “what I’ve heard,” rather than data or policy.
i find this unprofessional and hugely embarrassing when repeated in meetings with external stakeholders.
it sounds incredibly amateur and again, I worry ref my professional reputation.
When I bring evidence, research, or professional frameworks, these are dismissed or reframed as overthinking.
I feel gaslit and start doubting my own professional judgement.
Meetings involving ethical, safeguarding, or policy issues are framed as “informal” and not minuted.
Financial or discretionary decisions lack transparency or records.
I’m discouraged from seeking clarity “so it doesn’t get out.” - it’s been made public before but the person at the time was made to seem not credible , forced to make a public apology statement and their ‘expose’ ‘ was removed from public record
I feel exposed to serious governance and safeguarding risk.
I experience a cycle of reassurance (“you’re amazing, highly valued”) followed by destabilisation (“you’re the issue”).
Humour or jokes are used to deliver cutting or diminishing remarks or personal ‘observations’ are prefaced with ‘don’t be offended but…’
‘promise you won’t get upset but…’.
’please don’t be offended…’
then After ‘I hope you’re not upset’
this has included physical mimicking of traits of my disabled family member , apparently in order to innocently mention an observation meant with kindness
Disagreement or even potential conflict is framed as conflict the manager “can’t cope with,” which shuts down challenge for example prior to a meeting ’please can we all be nice, I can’t deal with conflict’ and everyone agrees.
started a recent unminuted meeting listing my shortcomings to the rest of the team including external stakeholders. When it was my turn to speak I had to quantify my position so started off on the defensive but I couldn’t just sit there. The meeting had been planned in my non work day in a place inaccessible to me. I arrived early to find everyone already in the space and even before the meeting had to ask for it to be moved and the boss spent much of the meeting huffing and puffing about the room change and how the meeting would need to be cut short so almost ‘not worth having’
I’m constantly second-guessing myself and feel emotionally controlled.
There is no consistent supervision structure. I’m offered end of shift chats sometimes where the manager has zero experience or expertise of my role. Nobody else does my role, he does not get it, seems to have a huge problem with the needs of our client group, disrespects them hugely and is racist (well all the ists) but cannot be challenged.
im definitely framed as a bleeding heart woke brigader
There is no HR function or independent escalation route. When I applied I believed our umbrella company had oversight but it transpires not to be true.
Work is subcontracted by central government but we are wholly responsible for delivering the contract via a third party not even based in this country and not linked to the service we provide.
It’s incredibly specialised work with extremely vulnerable people.
I’m carrying significant emotional labour without containment, guidance, or protection.
I’m burning out and becoming physically and emotionally unwell.
I feel anxious before work and exhausted after it.
My confidence and sense of professional worth have been eroded.
I’m worried about my reputation being damaged.
because I’m seeming like the first person to ever challenge this stuff, I feel blamed for problems that existed long before I arrived.
What’s hardest is that no single incident sounds extreme on its own, but the pattern and accumulation feel deeply harmful.
It’s the repetition, the power imbalance, the public framing, and the lack of protection that feel most damaging.
I’m disabled and I have not been in post long and am worried how this will be seen to recruiters.
i have been upset at work and I’m worried how I am perceived.
i have been publicly bullied by older colleagues too, whilst delivering my service.
on the whole my team desperately need me in post as do our customers.
my boss keeps saying’i don’t know why but i sense you’re going to leave’ and ‘please don’t leave’ , ‘please give us a chance’
its Like Jekyll and Hyde or a bad David Brent.
I don’t know if it’s naivety or just bad management. The manager is much older than me so I do t think it can be naive.
when retelling stories, they always had the last word ‘and everyone clapped’
fundholders are generally much younger and bow to my boss’ superior knowledge and experience so the manager is never corrected or challenged except by me.
ive put on weight, I can’t see my friends as am exhausted and run down. I have no clue how to manage this other than leave but I feel too broken to even perform in an interview.
because there’s no governance I’ve been advised that the only way to deal with this is to go down the legal route externally but I don’t want the stress or potential publicity.
has anyone ever dealt with similar?