Feeling deflated after return from maternity leave

[Megank1989]

Just looking to see who else might have experienced this.

I've been back at work since October. It was a hard return, with lots of illness, some stressful clients and a horrible 2 month period where she didn't sleep past 4am and my husband was in a sling. For a period, I was very close to a breakdown and feeling incredibly low and isolated, but things have genuinely calmed down.

I'm struggling to put my finger on why I feel so deflated. The only way I can describe it is that we were ttc for 3 years, with successful IVF at the end. So it was big stretch of time where I had this big thing I was aiming for. Then 10 months of being pregnant and having that to temper any big work concerns. Then, there was almost a year of maternity leave, where she was my core purpose. Obviously, she still is, but I'm back full time and we have no family near by so a massive chunk of child rearing has been delegated to nursery (I should say, I earn enough to make it absolutely worth for me to work, and I'm not sure I could hack being a SAHM).

I get to the end of the day, she's in bed and I just feel so overwhelmingly 'meh' that this is the rhythm of my life now. I keep thinking a 4 day week might help to get more time with her (not that this is a possibility), or am I just flailing at not having something bigger outside of everyday life?

It doesn't make much sense, but did anyone else experience this listlessness when they returned to work?

It doesn't help that you'll also get her when she's tired and cranky and feel that you're missing out on the fun times. It'll get easier as she gets older and will be at school anyway, regardless of whether you're home or not. A four (or even three day week - I prefer that as four is just five days crammed into four) day week might help, but might just add to the work stress. Do you enjoy your job? It's hard to tell from your post.

Completely normal I’d say.

I hated going back to work after both maternity leaves and really resented missing out on time with my daughters. I did a 4 day week but appreciate it may not be possible. I also started work at 7am and finished at 3.30 to be able to pick them up from nursery early. Mornings were brutal though.

My girls are 11 and 8 now and, not to put even more of a downer on the situation but the “meh” of school drop off- work-pick up- cook-bedtime, and the realisation that this is what I’ll be doing for the foreseeable isn’t much better. Holidays are a relief from the routine.

After maternity leave I took up a hobby (making children’s clothes) which helped and I should really do something similar to break the monotony now!

A four day week wasn’t possible for me in my job, but something that has really helped is a 4.5 day week. This was approved in my flex working request, and has made a real difference. I have that afternoon to play and do things with them, meet up with friends etc. In reality, in my chosen career, I’m doing more than full time hours still but the extra mostly after bedtime. And having that protected afternoon (albeit at a cost) has made a difference to how I feel

YANBU at all, it's so hard.

A four day week made a world of difference to me, it made me feel like I had time back with my children. Could you compress your hours or take the pay cut while she's little to make it work?

Could you compress to a 9 day fortnight? That’s less than an hour extra a day to work

I’ve got this at the moment! Also went back to work in October and also had IVF, not sure if relevant. Work feels so unimportant, anything that keeps me late feels like its directly stealing my time from my family. I am not sure if this is normal? DD1 (carried by my wife) thrived at nursery but DD2 would prefer to be home with me and attending baby groups I’m sure of it. She is fine at nursery but cries whenever I drop her off still 😮‍💨 are compressed hours possible? I do my full time week over Monday-Thursday which does help, we also don’t have any support so it’s all down to nursery. Would ideally prefer a 3 day week though, not cut out for FT parenting but I would like to be with my girls more than a few days a week!

You are understandably shattered OP.
Please take care.
R u in a position to pay for some household support?
If you aren't able to reduce your working hours, this might help

Going to be in the same situation soon so I am watching with interest!

First time poster here - but was just searching Mumsnet for similar feelings to me, and bar the IVF I could have almost written this myself OP!

I also went back in the Autumn, mid Sept when my LO was 10 months. At first it just felt really intense getting back to being very busy at work and getting used to juggling work and family life. My LO is thriving at nursery and I personally couldn't hack being a SAHM full-time either (but loved maternity leave, despite it of course being hard work too). I also couldn't afford anything other than working (whichever way we did the calculations it always worked out better if I worked full-time🤣 - especially with the 30 hours funding for childcare). I compress my hours so only lost a little income by going part-time 4 days a week. My husband and I alternate 1 day a week with our daughter (He does a 9-day fortnight, and I am also studying for an MA so use the other alternative day I'm not looking after her for that). This is a relatively new arrangement having increased her hours at nursery from 3-4 days a week.
I am actually OK with the childcare arrangement because I know she is really happy there and gets opportunities she wouldn't have at home, especially in cold and rainy winter.

BUT, I feel like I am living one huge contradiction. Since Christmas, I feel like I'm back in the swing of things at work so the intensity has dropped (despite still being busy), and I am just left feeling demotivated, quite depressed, and missing my daughter a lot - I really feel the empty space she would usually fill when she isn't here (I WFH most of the time, which probably doesn't help). Feeling unfulfilled in my job and EXACTLY as you say 'is this the rhythm of my life now' - work just doesn't feel as important any more.

I can't offer any advice particularly, just wanted to say you are not alone! I feel exactly the same (and quite a few of my mum friends do too) Trying to rethink what I'm looking for in a career but it feels daunting given the financial risk and moving from somewhere where I know I have good support as a parent and flexibility.

Solidarity!