“Anyone else 45+ and feel like you’ve somehow lost your work confidence?”

[SecondAct]

I keep talking to women who’ve spent years keeping everything together. Kids, work, caring, life in general… and somewhere along the way their confidence at work has just disappeared.

So many say things like “I’ve been out of the workplace too long”, “I don’t even know what I’m good at anymore”, or “my CV doesn’t sound like me and I feel a bit of a fraud applying for anything senior.”

If you’re 40/45+ and thinking about going back to work after children, changing direction, or just wanting to feel more like yourself again in your career, what are you finding hardest? Is it:
• working out what your transferable skills actually are
• updating a CV you’ve not touched in years
• confidence at interview
• not knowing what you even want next

I’d really like to hear how other women feel about this at the moment and what would actually help. Not fluffy “follow your dreams” stuff, but real, practical help that makes sense in real life.

(Just to be open, I work with women on CVs and career clarity, but I’m genuinely interested in hearing people’s experiences. Happy to share tips if that’s useful.)

Gosh this resonated with me. I went back to permanent employment (after years of being self-employed to fit around my kids) in 2020 when I was 48, and have recently moved internally within the same establishment (I’m 53 now). Both times I’ve found it REALLY hard to build relationships with new colleagues. I was diagnosed autistic a couple of years ago, facilitated by a horrendous perimenopause (an increasingly common story amongst women of my generation I believe), so part of it may be that the autism is overriding my previously learned behaviours …. I find it SO HARD to relate to colleagues even on just a professional level, which has totally knocked my confidence and makes me doubt my abilities at work every day now 😢

Previously I was always considered to be extremely competent and I just feel like a fraud now. I second-guess myself all the time. I dread walking into a room in case a colleague is in there. I feel stupid and awkward and incompetent.

I dread going in. I don’t sleep properly and I fantasize about winning the lottery (not that I play it). I will get a small private pension in 2027 which may mean I can drop some hours or move to a lower-pressure role, and I’m giving myself a daily pep talk to try to hang on until then.

I’m not sure what would help. (HRT certainly hasn’t). Some help with imposter syndrome maybe??

I took a fixed term contract in a quite responsible role but one that was below my capabilities/qualifications.
Oh my god, what a mistake that was
Literally surrounded by idiots that can’t follow processes that’s when we even had processes in place. I can’t recommend taking a little job to anybody, go back in at the level you were in before or aim higher. Punching down is a bad plan

Two struggles for me:
Job specific qualifications: roles more and more ask for these. They are often low quality even for someone at entry level. I was for example an experienced SENCo, sat on the LA panels, supported other schools, trained within the LA and beyond… I struggled to later even mentally engage with the level of some of the qualification that came later. I ended up with someone with zero experience in the named role, with me doing the role at one school. They simply had signed up to the course, but they and the school accepted they weren’t able to do the role.
My new job also has a qualification, some places actually require it. It’s level 3, I have a related masters degree but it’s a bit ‘computer says no’ with some HR recruiters. These qualifications are often pretty new concepts.

References: after years of successful self-employment I struggled with the demand for employer references. For example in safer recruitment guidelines I have to give my last employer (deceased), again with some HR a real struggle as they would argue there ‘must’ be a HR to contact for places that are long closed with mangers no longer with us.

It’s the general set up of it all and navigating it as an older person in a world that doesn’t fit after a break in employment. I started just ignoring some employers, luckily others spot your experience and worth and will have common sense.

That’s such a relatable experience, so many women end up “punching down” thinking it will be easier or less stressful and then find themselves frustrated, undervalued and surrounded by chaos. It’s not talked about enough how psychologically damaging it can be when your role is way below your capability and chips away at confidence rather than rebuilding it.

Going back in at your level (or higher) is absolutely possible for a lot of women, but it takes clarity on what you actually want next and confidence to back yourself. Thank you for saying this so honestly, a lot of women feel it but think it’s just them

That’s such a relatable description of the current landscape,it really isn’t talked about enough. So many roles now seem to demand very specific, often quite new qualifications that don’t actually reflect capability, experience or real-world skill. It’s incredibly frustrating when you’ve worked at a senior level, delivered outcomes, supported others and built a career… only to find yourself blocked by ‘computer says no’ processes and HR systems that lack nuance.

You’re absolutely right that it’s not about competence, it’s the set-up. I’ve seen so many brilliant women end up doing 90% of a role while someone “qualified on paper” shadows them. And then on top of that, things like references become a huge hurdle after self-employment or career breaks, even when someone has decades of contribution behind them.

It is a very strange landscape to navigate as an older worker, and you’ve articulated it so clearly. I’m really glad some employers have recognised your worth – because you absolutely shouldn’t have to shrink yourself to fit a badly designed system

Thank you for sharing 🥰 This sounds utterly exhausting and I’m really sorry you’re going through it. Going back into permanent work after years of self-employment is hard enough, but to be dealing with perimenopause and navigating autism on top of that is a huge amount for anyone to carry. No wonder your confidence has taken a knock.

I really recognise that feeling of shrinking and not being heard. I’ve had periods where I’ve felt like I was disappearing too, and it chips away at you bit by bit. But the fact you were seen as extremely competent for so long hasn’t vanished. That capability doesn’t evaporate it just gets buried under stress, hormones, change and sheer mental load.

The dread, second-guessing and feeling awkward aren’t signs that you’re failing; they’re signs you’ve been white-knuckling it for a long time in a system that isn’t making it easy for you. You’ve already shown huge resilience just getting through each day like this.

You deserve work that doesn’t make you feel small, and you absolutely still have a huge amount to offer. I really hope you get the right support, whether that’s something practical like help with confidence/imposter syndrome or simply someone actually listening and understanding what you’re dealing with. You’re not alone in this, even though it feels incredibly isolating