At what point is it reasonable to stop always being the flexible one

[NaciGeorgopoulos]

A friend was telling me she is always the one who rearranges work, childcare and plans because she is seen as the most flexible. It hit a nerve because that is exactly how it works in my house and wider family. If someone is ill, late, stuck or just tired, I am the default person who adapts.
I work, I have deadlines, I get tired too. But because I can sometimes move things around, it has slowly turned into an expectation rather than a favour. No one means badly, but it adds up.
I am starting to feel resentful and I do not like that feeling. I want things to feel fairer without turning into the difficult one.

Well firstly I’d say that being flexible is a very good quality.

Would it help the next time the situation arises, you give yourself a buffer before confirming either way? “Just need to check my diary. Give me five mins and I’ll let you know”. That sort of thing?

Boundary setting can be so hard ‘in the moment’.

Guess my question back to you is, what could you do to gain back a bit more control (and therefore feel less resentful)? Is there anything specific in your schedule that is particularly annoying? - maybe start with that.

Sounds like you need to make some changes!

I am the flexible one - but I often assume people expect me to do stuff, they don’t but I feel terribly guilty for not offering. This is a me problem.

Stop being so flexible and be flexible on your own terms. It’s a great quality to have but it’s also one that people will take advantage of massively. I am quite happy to be flexible but to a point - I refuse to be the default flexible person.

I am more than happy to be flexible if it suits me, as I am single and childless, so my life genuinely is more flexible than some friends' and families' are. But not always. HR tried to book a job interview for a candidate recently, starting at 16:30, and I said no, because I will be out that evening, and will need to get home first, and if I were to stay to at least 17:30, I would not be concentrating on the candidate but about how I would have to rush and then might still not get out on time. Had they chosen a different date, I might have been able to, but I'm not inconveniencing myself unless it was someone rushed to hospital or similar.