Feeling singled out at work after meeting with director – advice needed

[SeaShelli]

Hi everyone, I’m looking for some perspective and advice.

On Tuesday afternoon, I was asked by our director/owner for a chat, this was via email. He said he didn’t want to blindside me, but that my output in a particular area was falling short of expectations and he was disappointed. He added that we’d catch up properly. It sounded serious, but the tone was friendly enough.

Wednesday came and went with no follow‑up, same on Thursday, so I messaged to say I was still keen to have this chat. He replied on WhatsApp saying “absolutely first thing Friday.” The call didn’t happen until almost 3pm Friday (I finish at 3pm), which left me feeling awful.

For context: I’m neurodivergent, and while I can stumble over my words in conversation, I’m excellent at emails and prefer written communication. He knows this. I’ve also just been diagnosed with MS. These aren’t excuses for poor performance, but they do mean I have mental and physical limitations, and sometimes I get emotional under pressure.

Recently, the director hired his friend, who tends to involve himself in other people’s work unnecessarily. We butted heads last week, and I sensed fallout coming. Sure enough, I’ve since learned this friend told the director he doesn’t think I pull my weight, and that liaising with clients over email instead of calling is “lazy.”

The reality is my role has many facets, and in a five‑hour shift it’s not always possible to keep calling clients with the volume we have — otherwise nothing else would get done. When I tried to explain this, the director wasn’t interested.

I’ve kept my job, but the dynamic has changed. My fight‑or‑flight response is ramped up, and I’m panicking about the future. I worry I won’t find another role that pays the same or offers the flexibility I need for my daughter’s childcare. At the same time, I feel like I’ve become the scapegoat and my confidence has taken a big hit.

My questions:

How do I stop being so emotional about this situation?

How can I approach my role more “transactionally” so I don’t feel like an easy target?

Has anyone else dealt with similar dynamics where a director’s friend or colleague influences perceptions unfairly?

Am I being a soft arse?

Any advice or perspective would be really appreciated.

Maybe remind them of the Equality Act 2010! Also that you're entitled to reasonable adjustments and one of which, for you, is the use of email to be able to aid your role rather than constant phone calls
That just deals with the support you require as being ND.

They're on very shaky ground.

The bit that jumped out at me was ‘butted heads with directors best friend’
this is never a good idea.
Best just to smile and nod.
The rest is just details / immaterial.
I assume your way of working was perfectly ok until ‘friend’ turned up?
You won’t change their friendship/ get validation from this.
Just smile or nod.
Maybe make a big show of ringing a few more clients ( backed up by email when you can’t get through)
Don’t take things too seriously.
This will blow over.

I mainly concur with Roselily. The friend wants to make his mark as a Big Man and, like many ineffective people, will do this by putting other people down. I agree that 'head down, play nice' is a reasonable strategy in this type of situation. However, it does leave you in a weakened position if you become the target again.

I'm thinking an email to the boss might be in order, along the lines of 'thank you for our very constructive talk, all of which I am taking on board. I am always mindful of maintaining my excellent client relationships and, where more voice calls are appropriate, I make those calls (give recent examples if you like, but don't over-egg it). I was under the impression you understood that majority written communications are part of Reasonable Adjustments for my autism, in line with the Equality Act 2010. I believe this is working well for the team, the business and my clients. If you need to discuss Reasonable Adjustments in greater detail, please do let me know and I will check with (HR/ACAS/my union/whoever) that my understanding is also clear. I would always aim to deliver for everyone at (Business)'.

I will stress here that I'm notoriously bad a politics and, while I do believe you should both play nice and snarl a little bit, others may have better suggestions for doing so. Best of luck! Don't let the bastard get you down.

Don't label the emails as reasonable adjustments if that's not what they are!

Are you clear on his specific points of concern and what he wants to see instead? And by when?

I would follo up in writing, yes, summarising the agreed action plan.

Hmm, good point.
Courtesy of Google: "Reasonable accommodation requests do not always need to be in writing, but they can be requested verbally. However, it is highly recommended to have a written record of the request and the final agreement, as this can prevent misunderstandings and provide proof if needed. Employers should confirm any agreed-upon accommodations in writing, such as via email or letter."

Have you had a specific discussion about how written communication enables you to maximise efficiency, @SeaShelli, given your needs?

Before you go down the reasonable adjustment claims:

Are you actually diagnosed as ND? Is it documented on your personnel files? Are the reasonable adjustments documented?

Then, is there any truth in what's being said? (I assume not, else you wouldn't be so upset. Based on how Id feel - if there was truth I'd feel shame and embarrassment, if not true I'd feel upset and disappointed?)

If it isn't documented anywhere, follow up with an email noting the points and an action plan with clear KPIs, but highlight the benefits and he outcomes of your current ways of working.

If it is documented, do the same but start keeping evidence ready to use if they decide to be dicks.

Agree with @Roselily123 and @GarlicHound. I am on the other side of a mildly similar issue at work. Following up in writing is key; @GarlicHound had some good suggestions. Write the email then get a trusted friend and ChatGPT to work on tone. Have you discussed reasonable adjustments formally before? Definitely focus on your work as is supporting business and clients and would begin to gather documentation of where it is working well. The situation I am navigating is really compounded by the person not sharing their work or showing it to anyone and so it’s difficult to counter questions of the effectiveness of what he is doing. Good luck.

Not in writing, but it will be put in writing now for sure.

Yes, I am formally diagnosed, and I’m very upset by everything that’s happened. Leaving the call until the very last minute on Friday felt strategic, almost like a chess move. I’ve seen this pattern before in other workplaces, where employers wait until the end of the week to get a full week’s work before letting someone go. It really affected me mentally, and today my body is suffering because I’m in the middle of an MS flare‑up brought on by the stress.