How to deal with a racist and sexist colleague

[notallthosewhotravelarelost]

I joined a new team a few months ago. It's three men and me - one being the team manager who is new to management. I find one of the men extremely overbearing - he talks over me, interupts and completely dominates meetings. I get very little out of our team meetings and raised this with the new manager without much success. We're civil service but not in the UK.

I recently had to spend a day doing a site visit with this colleague and it was torturous. He talked solidly for the whole day, mainly about himself. But he also said a few things that were clearly sexist or racist. I challenged him on these in various ways but it was frustrating and upsetting. He's also prone to a mansplain.

I'm torn between raising this offensive behaviour with the team manager or telling him straight to cut the racism and sexism out. I'm going to have to do these visits regularly and I'm dreading it.

Any advice on how to tackle this? I know a formal complaint will cost me career wise. The danger is that I try to ignore it, or carry on challenging it when it happens, then I end up losing my shit at him.

Any tactful ways to get him to stop talking non stop would also be helpful

I would call him out directly
"Did you mean to talk over me?)
Did you mean that racist remark?
Also laughing works ... "Here is is mansplaining to the little lady"

@Maddy70 That's been my approach so far but it's exhausting and he seems to have the hide of an elephant. He says things like 'you know me, always off on a tangent' and carries on taking meetings off track. I suggested to the team manager that we rotate the chair or change the order of the agenda but he declined.

If this wasn't my 'passion job' I'd look to move.

I don't think tact will work here. Unfortunately you seem to have a weak manager who won't address this so you'll have to take matters into your own hands:

• cut across him when he's rambling - hold up a hand - "can we get back on track, Dave, or I'm going to lose the thread of this convo"

• "yeah, I know that Dave, no need to mansplain, I'm not stupid" said in a really sarky way

• "cut out the sexism/racism" or "that kind of language can get you sacked"

• "what an odd thing to say out loud"

To mitigate, praise anything he does that's good and try and find some common ground.

Sounds like he has adhd. I have adhd and I impulsively say things /go off on tangents/talk non stop etc .
But its still unacceptable behaviour in the workplace. Maybe try , "please let me finish./ please don't say that . I know you mean we'll, but I know this. This is an unacceptable thing to say . Etc etc"
Jefferson Fisjers good on Facebook.

Call him out but tell the team manager your concerns. Ask for the conversation to be documented. I would also have a conversation with HR and ask their advice.

Don’t undermine yourself by making it a joke, it’s difficult to speak out but it is the right thing to do. Document all conversations, unfortunately these things can turn on you and this gives you a platform for open conversations.

Thanks all. I agree I need to be blunter and clear. He is one of those men who seem to enjoy annoying people. E.g. "I've just been in and given them some pointers, they loved it" I need to make my boundaries crystal clear. I think I have two issues - the sexism/racism and the domineering/unprofesssional behaviour.

@angelfacecuti75 I do think he has some sort of ADHD or neurodiversity and I'm very happy to make accomodations. But the needs of the rest of the team need to be balanced and at the moment I'm being told to just shut up and deal with it. I also love Jefferson Fisher! I could listen to him talk for 6 hours no problem. :-)

I agree with PP that a big part of my problem is weak leadership. Our boss told me he was not going to tell Dave to stop talking. Our team meetings are chaotic - with people talking over each other constantly because its the only way to contribute. I'm going to ask for some ground rules and that we change the order of when people speak so we all get a turn.

Dave told me about a influencer he has been watching who I later looked up. He's a full out 'Britain should stay white' racist. He also talked about poor Charlie Kirk until I read some quotes of the viles stuff he said. This stuff is just exhausting and I'd rather get on and do my job.

Yes, I am documenting.

If youre not in the uk it's hard to advise. Here I'd be saying that the managers have a duty of care to provide an environment for staff where they aren't subjected to this bullshit.

Is another job likely to be better?

Sounds maddening.

I wouldnt say please, I'd just talk over him back/louder.

You need to call it out directly with him, as he won't get it otherwise, and make a log of what he says etc so HR can deal with it. Not quite the same thing but on our most recent inspection at school as I was taking an Ofsted inspector round he suggested that the teacher we were about to go and see "looked like a physicist". I told him we don't classify people by how they look anymore, it's 2024." He stared at me, realised he'd put his foot in his mouth, backtracked and I hope he has to think every time he speaks now. Good luck 👍

If you’re in the uk , your manager should definitely tell him about the racism. Would you be comfortable to email your manager asking that he controls any racism at work, without naming names. Or ask racism to be put on the end of an agenda. He’s not allowed to do it, and the manager is not allowed to tolerate it. It could cost them at a tribunal, ultimately.

I had an interesting meeting with my boss yesterday where he told me how worried he is about losing Dave who is delivering a high profile project. He emphasized the relationships Dave has. But he does also seem to appreciate that Dave is hard work.

So I'm left feeling pretty undermined and unable to say much. Although I am 100 percent confident I will not the the only person he has pissed off. I'm going to carry on and be blunter in telling him to stop.

I helped train Dave. I have no doubt I could finish his project without breaking a sweat.

Find another job.

@Bungle2168 I totally understand this advice! Sadly, this is a 'passion' job for me - I'm a subject matter expert and its a very small field. But I am thinking about my future options. This issue is taking up too much of my head space.

I had another meeting with my boss this week and Dave came up. I didn't go into specifics but we discussed that I am finding Dave hard work. I got the 'Dave is old school' line but told boss that I have a line, that Dave has already crossed it and that I will be pushing back harder. I also talked about the dominance of meetings and boss asked what could be done. So he clearly hadn't twigged that I am sitting for 90% of the time unable to contribute.

I think I've made some headway. Am going to plan what I want out of this role and just try and make it to Xmas. It's summer here and Jan is usually rather relaxing. :-)

I assume you're in Aus or NZ, and I'd assume they have similar laws to the UK on equality etc.

I've been the only woman in the department for a lot of my career, and to some extent, you need a thick skin for it. But I think it's made me strabout calling out sexism etc, because I knoe no one's going to do it for me.

We have a women's network at work, and also a well-being network, both of which I'm involved with. The main thing I get out of it is meeting people outside my department, but it also helps me remember not everyone is the same. If you have any employee networks, they might be worth looking into for support.

But in the end, you need to keep on asking him to stop talking over you,and to call him out on anything unacceptable. Assume no one is on your side, because either they aren't or they just don't see it (oh, I am tired of, "you're just being oversensitive...") You have to fight it, because no one else will bother. Or you have to learn to live with it, or you find another job.

Can't you make an official complaint to HR about the racist and sexist remarks? I would, it's totally unacceptable.

Are you serious? He may have ADHD but he's also a racist misogeñist cunt. Op your manager needs to manage this, and if he can't then you need to escalate to HIS manager. This isn't acceptable in any civilised workplace.

@EBearhug Thank you - that is a good reminder to look into the our women's network again. I have challenged 90 % of the comments and remarks, I just need to be more forceful and clearer.

I'm in NZ, which is quite a different cultural setting. We are bicultural and race is discussed differently here so it is harder to judge things as an immigrant. In some aspects NZ is more advanced, in others we are behind. Our laws are similar to the UK and employment disputes are very common.

I'm not ruling out taking it further, but this has been a part of most work places I've been in - in the UK and NZ. I've been around long enough to know that a complaint is likely to cost me significantly whatever the outcome. I'm also aware that my current employer is the biggest and best option in my area so will tread carefully.

Call him out directly. It's the only way to do it. If you also think he might be more malign, log a note with HR about any sexist/racist comments that you can use later if needed.

OP, the thing that strikes me is that you refer to sexist remarks and then constantly use the lazy and sexist term , ‘mansplain’. One poster has already said that she, as a person with ADHD, is likely to behave in the same way. It is clear just from Mumsnet posts that many women also over explain, talk over colleagues. If someone referred to me using a female equivalent to ‘mansplain’ eg ‘fairer sex’ or something more derogatory, ‘wittering woman’, I would be straight to HR.
Not all men, ‘mansplain’, you are using a sexist stereotype. Try to stop using it in your mind and focus on the colleague’s issues. You will lose your battle if you indulge in sexist stereotypes ( even though there may be some truth behind the term, as there often are with stereotypes.

You refer to your colleague being ‘prone to a mansplain’. Imagine a male poster writing that a female colleague was ‘prone to being a Drama Queen’. Stick to the specific issues with your colleague and train yourself out of lazy, sexist stereotypes. It won’t go down well with management or HR.

@DresseredI've only used the word mansplain once on this thread. It's a different behaviour to the talking over and interrupting. My understanding is that over explaining can also be an ADHD characteristic. Overexplaing only to women is not.

Of course not all men mansplain.

OP, The term ‘mansplain’ is not acceptable. I am surprised that you used it in a professional capacity. If you use it in the context of a complaint about sexism when the term ‘mansplain’ is clearly a sexist stereotype, you diminish if not negate/invalidate your complaint. I think you need to reframe your issues with your colleague. It is him that you have the problem with, not all male colleagues per se. Using a sexist stereotype will not help your case. If someone only used the expression ‘Drama Queen’ once in relation to a female colleague, it would still be unacceptable..
When complaining about an issue of sexism, you cannot use inappropriate sexist terms. You need to use your professional language carefully if you want to be taken seriously.

@notallthosewhotravelarelost decades ago I worked in a very male dominated environment where sexism was prevalent. Probably 1:20 ratio. I used to give a poker faced Paddington stare and just blankly say "oh I agree, women should stay at home and do the housework." It worked, they shut up, they couldn't wind me up.