1-1

[Finto1111]

How often do you have to do a 1-1 with your boss?

I have to do one, once a week. I feel its too much but I have to do it.

We don't see each other at any other time of the week. She is difficult, rude and demanding. We don't have a good relationship.

Our offices are at far ends of the building. I only see her at this 1 -1 meeting. Other than that we communicate by email.

My 1 - 1 is on thursday. Every 1-1 is difficult. Its strained. I find it so difficult to talk to her.
She is rude. She talks at me like im a child. We don't like each other. She is very harsh and negative and she makes me anxious

Every Thursday morning now i just feel so stressed and anxious, about this meeting.

I was just wondering on coping mechanisms on how to get through them?

I cant leave this job for several reasons right now

Every second week on a Thursday via video call. My manager is incredibly busy, so that hour is the one time I have to raise things with her, outside of emails. I work fully remotely so the 1-2-1s are also important to maintain connection. We have a good working relationship, so I don’t mind them at all.

Thanks.

Anyone who doesn't get on with your boss - how do you cope with 1-1s?

Every two weeks, and calls/drop ins in between if needed. If we have a long call near a 1:1 one or the other of us will probably say we don't need the 1:1 and cancel it.

I should have left the first sentence out of my post.

Its not so important to me how often people have 1-1s.

I really want to know how people who do not get on with their boss at all, cope with 1-1s

OP - most people can’t be arsed to read beyond one sentence so I’m sorry you’re getting u helpful replies

I’m fully remote so it’s once a week over teams but I can say I’m too busy to make it

is there a chance you can do this? Even once a month? Could you suggest to your boss that you shift the meetings to every other week maybe?

in terms of coping - strong coffee beforehand, always have something to get on with immediately at the end of the allocated 1-1. Have a set of things to ask that are very generic

it helps me to think of those types of meetings as “this is just part of my job, I get paid to do this meeting and it’s quite a small percentage of my working week”

then when your circumstances allow - look for another job because it’s no fun having a manager you can’t stand

Is there an agreed purpose or agenda for the meeting? How do other employees under your manager respond to their meetings?

I have weekly meetings with each of my team members, and with my own manager but I'm quite clear on the agenda.

There is no agreed purpose. She kind of talks generally about what has been going on.

How do other employees respond to her. Ive talked to four other employees about her. One woman and three men. It came up in conversation

One woman said to me that she hated one to one meetings with this manager. One man said that he was terrified of her. That she made him really nervous. This manager can be very negative and critical. A third man said that she is good at her job but he tries to tell her as little as possible, as she makes everything more difficult for him if she knows about it.The last man said that he didnt care about one to one meetings with her as he just didnt give a shit.

I know its a two way street and the more anxious personalities are suffering more. Im quite anxious. Though i do get on with everyone else in the company, except for her.

Ive got to a stage where Ive started to feel sick with anxiety every Thursday morning she is so nasty and critical when i go in. It is like waiting to be abused, once per week

Could you try to take more control of the discussion. So have a long winded question prepared to ask her, something kind of generic that there is no clear answer to, so she will be wasting time talking about that. Your colleague who tells her as little as possible has a point - she can't criticise what she doesn't know about. So really general vague stuff. Like asking a retail manager "what do you think we should do about footfall?".
The more time spent waffling the less time she has to croticise you.

Also, apparently people like having what they said repeated back to them - not word for word or just saying 'yes' but paraphrasing and affirming. Again it takes up time, its totally 'safe' ground, and it just might cheer her up.

Current line manager, once a week and I love our 1-2-1s.

Last line manager, once a week, worst line manager of my life, loathed the man, hated the 1-2-1s and the feeling was mutual. I found a new role in the company. Once I handed in my notice we stopped our 1-2-1s and didn’t speak for the best part of 8-10 weeks.

I’m a strong believer in people stay or leave because of people. I’m still in the company and with a line manager who genuinely makes time, space and opportunities for me now. And I have an added appreciation for him after the last train wreck.

Once a month but I like my supervisor now, she hates asking the questions as much as I hate answering them and knows how much of a box ticking exercise it actually is. But I suppose it can also depend on the purpose of the 121. The ones I have now ask stupid questions, have a short training/skill checking element and we are supposed to be able to raise any concerns. Through experience raising a concern gets turned in to your weakness, and the skill check is random Bull. (And quite frequently the answers written down are incorrect, but the manager swears they are right).
121s I've had in the past where they ask where are you up to, do you need anything to help snd give constructive feedback and guidance very helpful.

So true!

I also get asked if I need help with anything.

If i say i actually do need help with anything, she perceives it as a weakness, and she makes my job worse in some way.

I raised concerns about the job once, that we werent given enough time to get certain tasks done.

Instead of trying to help me, she instantly became nastier to me. She didnt like me raising concerns.

Now every week when she asks me if i need help with anything, I have learned to kewp my mouth shut.

We have then oncec a month.
I enjoy them, they normally.al last about 2.5 hrs.

I'd love once a month. I hate once a week.

Its the same shit every week.
The same questions every week.

Her reading off a list of questions

Question six: "do you have any concerns or anything you need help with?".

Me " no everything is fine".

Even when it isn't.

Because any time that I did raise a concern in the past, she told me it was my fault and got extra nasty to me

Similar to this for me, hated my last line manager with a passion, he was one of those 'I'm such a lovely manager, friendship at work is so important' types to your face but he would go around screwing everyone over behind their backs. I would get through our 1:1s by promising myself a lovely treat afterwards, by writing 'twat' on my notepad when he said something annoying (remote working, so I could away with it and I looked like I thought what he was saying was important.) and by planning lunch with a very trusted co worker afterwards to debrief.

He got made redundant and as soon as it was announced (3 month notice period) I declined all 1:1s. Best day ever.

Barely ever, and it boils my piss. Lazy management.

urgh it sounds awful

I was going to suggest raising the difficulty with her and asking how you can make the meetings more productive, but having seen your updates I wouldn’t do that!!

the “good” news is she’s like this with everyone. So at least you know it’s not personal to you and there is nothing you are doing wrong to cause this.

I think the only answer is to grow a thicker skin. Practice “grey rocking” her. Dissociate in the meetings and just let her behaviour kind of wash over you. Ground yourself through your feet and the chair and just breath.

Steal strategies from your colleagues. She asks the same 6 questions every week? Great! Prepare anodyne updates and answers in advance. Don’t ask for help or say you are struggling. Do not try to be her friend.

If there IS an issue you need to flag (cos if you don’t it could bite you in the arse later) go in in solution mode: “we’re having an issue with X, but I am doing Y and Z to address it” or just possibly “there is an issue with X, I am doing Y, and if you could do Z that will ensure this doesn’t escalate”.

Protect your position. Get feedback from other people in the business. Document what you do well and your successes. Find support elsewhere. Maybe a mentor (even informally) who can give you proper support. Or peer mentoring with a colleague you trust.

good luck