Shift Work

[Parkmama]

Anyone able to provide words of reassurance as my DH does a huge career change and will soon be working shifts . . . I’m not taking it so well and feel in a panic that we will be like ships in the night and I will end up feeling trapped at home looking after and juggling our DC. I want to be supportive and for him to be successful but at what cost?! He’s going to get days off in the week that will be of no use to anyone. And when he does have a free weekend I’m stressing that will be only time to go and do things for myself and catch up on my social life but I’ll have to choose between that and spending time together as a family. Ergh it’s making me really tearful and frustrated. I guess I’d to hear the positives (if any exist 😬)

What are the shifts?

It depends so much on the timing and number of shifts, how far away they will be and what else is going on with your family life.

Mine does 14 shifts every 28 days so across the 28 days there are 4 days, 4 nights and three of each bolted together as a 6. They’re each 6-6 so 12 hours and annoyingly they unofficially run the timings more like 5.30 to 5.30. It’s up to an hour commute though more like 45 mins when it’s quiet.

I work full-time and our children are older but still at school and it’s VERY hard for how our lives work. Some of his colleagues have different family set-ups and I think it works better for them. I almost dislike the day shifts more than the nights as I have to do everything and there’s virtually no time between me finishing work and him going to bed.

BUT - that’s just us and the particular shift pattern and home circumstances. It works much better for other people.

My husband changed careers to a shift based pattern and it was an adjustment but I actually thought it would be harder than it is. We got in to a rhythm. You have to plan well. The time we do have together we are starting to plan much more carefully and make the most of. Sometimes anticipation is the worst bit. You’ll manage fine! Xx

Why won’t the days off in the week be any use to anyone? Won’t he then be able to do school/ nursery runs on those days and get things like shopping and housework done when the kids aren’t around?

Predictable shifts are different to irregular ones, but unless he gets the same days off every week, it's probably no good for childcare purposes, in that you normally have to book nursery/afterschool club on regular days and in advance.

DH used to work irregular shifts, it was horrible. We had to book all childcare around my working hours, which sometimes meant paying for childcare when DH wasn't working. I had to try to keep the DC quiet, which often meant going out at weekends when I'd rather have been at home some of the time having a lazy Sunday morning with the DC, so that he could sleep. Having to arrange childcare if I wanted to do something regular, like choir or evening classes, never being able to book things like theatre or gigs or nights out with friends unless it was 3 weeks or less in advance, and even then it could change.
Luckily my mum was around to help some of the time, she would make herself available to babysit one day a week so I could get to my dance class whether or not DH was working. He was also quite grumpy a lot of the time because he was always tired.
He still does shifts now, but they are more regular and no longer overnight, and the DC are grown-up. I managed because I had to, but with hindsight I would have suggested a career change for him to something with more regular hours.
But there are some careers with predictable shifts, 4 days on 4 days off or similar. That would be easier, although still leaving you with a childcare problem if you need to do anything regular yourself, like work!

My DH has just started doing shift work after ten years doing an admin role and I share your concerns OP. He will be doing day shifts, back shifts and night shifts on a rolling 13 week roster. I am not thrilled about it but the pluses are: he needs the train to get to work which he just needs to walk to and I get full use of the car for appointments (before he needed the car for work which meant I had no way of getting stuff done myself during the week). The other plus is he is paid well with shift enhancements. He will be working Christmas Day but we will celebrate Boxing Day dinner instead. It also means he is around for school assembly with the two primary aged children. He is only at the training phase just now! Will report back after a few months..his shifts are thankfully only 8hr, except the night shift ones which are 9hrs.

Oh the other bonus is that DH works 30 minutes away by train from home. So no long commute.

It is tough, no two ways about it.

He can pick up the slack at home on his days off - cooking, shopping, washing etc.

You need to be organised and have all his shifts in a diary/calendar so you know how to manage social events (go on your one/get childcare/book time off). People assume everyone works 9-5 and/or it's easy to get time off.

Keep your routine at home, so he can slot in when he's not at work.

Talk about expectations for home life, spending time with kids etc, his and yours.

I could have written this. My DH changed careers at 30 (with 2 very young DC) and honestly, the concerns you've expressed are exactly how it is. We live our lives and he slots in where he can. We often are ships passing in the night - some weeks we can go 4 days without setting eyes on each other because one is asleep whilst the other is coming/going. A massive advantage is that he is very involved in their school lives -those days off in the week mean that he can do school runs and go to school events. He has more to do with school than me (I work full time but traditional hours).

I won't lie, OP, it's bloody hard. But you will find your rhythm and really value the time you have together. Is there scope for him to specialise in a role with more regular hours? We're now 6 years in and he has just landed a specialist role which means he has 2 in 4 weekends off and the latest finish time is midnight and it's much better.