Trapped in job my parents pushed me into

[PodgyOwl]

Seeking help as I feel trapped in a job I hate. For background, I'm nearly 30, had controlling parents who threatened to disown me at a young age unless I became a Chartered Accountant or Dr and forced me in to a degree I hated and didn't succeed in.
I live in London and work in an investment bank, earning 60k as an internal auditor. I have kept trying to pass the ACA exams but keep failing. Was hospitalised for 2 months in April in a psychiatric ward as I couldn't cope. Have been having therapy for 10 years but still feel miserable everyday.
My question is, due to mortgage and other bills, I can't afford a pay cut, so that rules out retraining. Have a 2.2 in Finance. There seem to be no jobs out there that will support my bills and that I am qualified for. I feel so trapped. What do I do? I honestly see no way out

Editing to say my boss has noticed I am not productive. I procrastinate all the time as I hate the work. Have been in the job 6 years

Can you move to a smaller property in a cheaper area? If you don't go out to eat, drink alcohol, gamble, take drugs, use luxury products, have loads of subscriptions and buy new clothes etc you should be able to live on less.

What career would you prefer?

It's not doing you any favours in this job and your mental health is suffering.

Could you work in the finance department of a smaller more ethical business? Maybe part time and then train in a new field alongside it?

Put the home up for sale

Move and rent somewhere inexpensive, find a basic job to pay the bills

Take some time to recharge and ponder what you would really like to do / be good at

Be kind to yourself

You can afford a pay cut but it would mean moving home. There is a way out of this but it will mean making other changes too.

What job DO you want to do?

Your parents sound awful I’m sorry. What is your living situation - is it your house alone or are you married?

Do not try to live to please your parents - if it’s not your career choice it will be your choice of partner, if it’s not your partner it will be when and how many kids you have. This is never going to end unless you tell them to back off you and let you live your life. Disowning a child because they don’t want to be a Dr or Accountant is batshit and makes them shitty parents. It will never ever end.

Move home

get lodgers

plan your new job - you might like the same role in a different company

don’t blame your parents - they were trying their best even if it was a crap best - something most of us can relate to. Because blame takes away your agency - stops you focussing on what you should be doing , stops you putting the effort in. Don’t know why but it does

Have you paid for some sessions with a careers advisor? If not it might be a good investment in yourself! Find out what you really want to do and how to get there. Maybe compression your work hours so you can spend a day retraining/studying per week?

Don't tell your parents.

You need to sell the current house, downsize to somewhere you can afford on a lower salary, and then get another job that allows for time and thought. Any other job that you can actually cope with will do. Maybe you want to work with children - try being a TA for a while. Maybe you’d rather be a bit more physical and solitary - supermarket warehouse perhaps. Don’t be in any way constrained by the funnel you’ve been pushed down.

You put yourself on a strict budget, and spend a year thinking about what you want to do. Preferably you work 80% hours, giving you a day to actually go try things.

After a year, you make a plan to move into something you actually like.

It’ll be a wrench at first, but you only get one life and you need to move it away from what your parents want, to what you’d actually like.

My DH felt similar to you while doing the ACA exams. Genuinely loathed his life and career. He also did a stint in internal audit which had him metaphorically screaming into a pillow. Now the exams are behind him, he is a much easier person to live with and quite enjoys aspects of his role as a general financial accountant in a big company. People have no idea how pressurised the exams are unless you've done them. As pp said, what would you like to do? I wouldn't necessarily completely abandon your career right now while you are in a low place, but maybe explore areas that are more interesting to you. As you probably know, there is a massive chunk of finance functions full of part qualified accountants who never finish the exams, so I'd definitely lay off completing the exams until you're in a better head space, or don't bother doing them at all, if you're not primarily driven by earning a much bigger salary.

At “nearly 30” you have probably 30 to 40 years more of your working life ahead of you. That’s far, far too long to work in a field you hate and which - from what you say - you aren’t much good at anyway. Honestly, it is worth the short term pain now to set yourself up for decades of working in something you would enjoy for all those decades to come.

so sorry your parents did that to you.

Take control of your life, if your parents view of you causes such pain then step away from them. Ask yourself if you could live anywhere where would it be, if you could do a different rile what would it be, what would make you happy. Then start making changes. Life is too short to be so unhappy, take some risks and do what gives you joy. It will take bravery but you can do it.

Thanks all. I divorced last year and my ex husband has full time care of our son who is 2. They live in Derbyshire. I struggled to cope as a mum due to PND. I hate myself and feel so much guilt for letting his dad take him away. I've booked a valuation of the house for early next week and am looking for jobs up North. I have no idea what I want to do, just know that I'd like to help others in some way. The thought of selling up and starting again terrifies me, but at least if I can be near my son and see him more, it will be worth it.

There is always a solution OP and if you need to change your life (which it sounds like you urgently do - I'm so sorry this horrible situation has had such a profound affect on your mental health), then sometimes the only solution is a drastic one.

In order to get out of this job and life situation you probably need to start again. How do you do that? You figure out what you want to do, which may mean retraining, you figure out how/where you can do that (the mature students board on here is helpful and supportive), and then you are probably going to need to sell your home, move somewhere cheaper and quit your job.

The good news is that you're young and you don't mention any dependents, so although all of this is going to be hard, it's going to easier to do it now, before your life gets more complicated. In five years' time your life could totally different, but it will take drastic action and a big life change to get there. A lot of people change careers, in fact I'm one of them, and I'm so glad I did. Don't waste any more of your life doing something you hate and which has wrecked your mental health, the short-term pain will be worth the long-term gain

Oh god you have had a tough time. I'm so sorry. Have a look at charityjobs.co.uk - they often seem to have finance /audit type roles and lots of remote work. Good on you for taking action to change your life for the better. Really hope it all works out for you

Things sound extreme and you sound very low. Don’t panic, there are a lot of things to do that will make life better, but try not to do everything in a rush.

Whats your relationship with your ex like? Do you get to see your son? That’s a very long way to travel. How will they react if you move to be near them? Do you have financial responsibilities to them?

Do you have a community psychiatric nurse, a therapist or a support group like Mind? Could any of them help you to make a plan?

What does ‘helping people’ mean to you? Who do you feel you would enjoy helping most? A lot of jobs have a helping element even if it’s not obvious. I’m no good with other people’s kids for example but work in a helping job with adults and though I say it myself I’m pretty good at working with people with dementia for example, though it’s taken a few years of training to get there. A lot of healthcare and social care jobs come with some training built in, but without qualifications your salary progression is limited.

When you’re not at work, what do you enjoy doing? Do you like going out, shopping, movies? Maybe care work with teenagers and adults with learning disabilities? Or are you an outdoorsy type? Are you physically strong? Could you garden for people, all day every day?

It would be good to try and set some goals - then start moving towards them. And if you need to see your GP, do.

Great stuff getting the EA round, get that house on the market and sold asap.
You already have a perfect destination to move to.
Don't worry about getting the right job, just any low pressure job that will pay the rent on an inexpensive property will do just fine.
You will feel better without the mortgage and job and being close to family. Slower pace of life, walks in the fresh air, plan lots of self care.

Have you thought about moving industry - you could try an IA job in e.g. Insurance in London. A lot of your banking experience is transferable but insurance has a very different (and I’d argue better) culture. IA might not be your long term career choice but a change in industry (you could easily look at other industries but they may have a bigger pay difference) but this could give you some breathing space, and once you’ve moved across, there will be opportunities to move within a company. Many IA people transfer to other internal roles.

Life is short.

Move, reduce your outgoings and get a new job

I think that getting your house valued and seeing what it worth is a good idea. I would get some careers advice to find out what carers are open to you. I know doing this might cost a bit but long term it will help you get the role that suits you.
Your current qualifications and experience could lend itself to other roles you may not be aware of or thought about.
I have heard that the accountant exams are hard even for people who want to get this qualification. Then working full time on top of this in a job that your not happy in is not helping your mental health either.

I have a friend who is now in her early 50's. I watched her go into a degree that her mother said would be a good one to do. She left this degree after a few months after getting a job in what was very stable employment at the time.
I spoke to her when she was 30 and I knew she hated her job. She said I am sorry I did not do x course after school. I encouraged her to apply as a mature student to do x course. She stayed in the job she hated and was made redundant in her 40's.
I saw what this did to her life. If she stood up for herself and left that job to do the degree in X she would have been happier. She spent her whole life doing what her mother wanted and ended up miserable as a result.

At this stage you need to do what suits you and your health. Get advice to what type of job would suit and look for these roles near to where your child lives. You can always do some course to help you get into a different area of employment that would make you happier. If you could get work near to where your child lives you could see them regularly. If your parents don't like this well you need to remember that it your life.

Im guessing youre asian? You sound near burnout. You have to take a break.

what elements do you like about your job, what are your strengths and the skills you want to build on?

I ask because knowing that might help to guide you into alternative roles. I work in InfoSec GRC and if you have 6 years experience as a financial internal auditor then you have transferable skills into Legal compliance or InfoSec compliance that could be of interest.

No, white British. I don't want to take any more time off work as I'm worried they will get rid of me and I'll have nothing

My husband was also railroaded into a choice of doctor, lawyer, accountant or army. A shame as he has many other talents. The main difference is that he has succeeded in his chosen profession and eventually set up his own company, so he 'escaped' in a way, but only after spending years doing something he didn't enjoy.

You need to be brave about going back to the drawing board and working out where your skills lie and what you enjoy, then come up with a plan on how to make pursuing that career possible. It might mean structural changes like moving house, but you are young enough to make it work. E.g. become a Maths teacher then a Head of Maths and then senior leadership in a school and you'll earn more than you do now eventually.

Op, sorry for my assumption.

Do you have savings, something in place that can sooth your state of mind, maybe therapy?
If you did give up that career and did something else, what would realistically happen to your relationship with your parents?

I agree, I would sell up and move somewhere cheaper

Tbh, I would maybe start over somewhere else 🤷‍♀️ xx