Feeling not good enough

[Lowwintersun13]

Hi everyone, this may come across as a “poor me” post, I don’t mean it to be….
I started in my current job about a year ago. I’m in my mid 50’s and am the bottom of the food chain in my job, I’m invisible. A couple of ladies there are very kind but ver glamorous. I can tell I’m looked down on my the other women who are financially better off than me (me and my partner work to survive, not work to live, no spare cash for anything)
when I started my job I was very confident but have been very overweight since menopause; NOTHING will shift it. I’ve had blood tests at doctors, everything is fine. I’ve piled on 5 stone very fast. I’ve tried fasting, diet plans, exercise classes, weight training classes but nothing. I’m thinking of looking into cortisol problems but my cortisol/adrenal function came back fine.
I used to wear red lipstick (red has always been my colour for lipstick and clothes and always had different headscarves in my hair but over the past year all I wear now is black. I noticed when I started work they would look at me with a look of wtf have you got in your hair, or wearing type vibe hence the now dull clothing but I do struggle to find nice clothes for my size. They are all very thin but it’s how they treat me. I’d never wear red lipstick now or put a red headscarf in, it used to look nice with my very thick naturally curly hair. They’ve made me feel ugly and unworthy. I was never the kind of person who would allow people to make me feel like shit or not good enough. They all go out socially yet I’m never invited which doesn’t really bother me as I am very busy with my friends and family, I just find it rude, bad mannered and very high school!! There’s one woman in particular who thinks she’s gorgeous, she’s not. But since they’re all on skinny jabs they are now looking really good. I can’t afford these jabs but also I’d be too nervous to use these jabs. The awful woman reckons she’s not using them anymore! Of course she is! She bullshits about everything! I think what I’m trying to say is I find it bullying but in a way I can’t put my finger on. Being left out and ignored can I believe be as upsetting as actual bullying. I could come to work wearing all new clothes and actually feel a little bit happy with myself yet no one says a word although they’ll compliment each other constantly. I don’t need validation and friends say get myself fit and slim; that’s the best revenge but how??!! How when I spend so much time exercising but never see any difference! I want to leave and find somewhere else to work. I’ve never before worked alongside such rude, passive aggressive people. Some days they’ll speak to me, other days I’m ignored totally. I don’t know if it’s my age? I am the oldest one there but why should that matter? I’ve worked with younger women before who were great to work with!
sorry for the long post, I just feel so ugly and invisible. I was quite pretty when I was younger, lots of people have told me and in fact, when these women saw my younger photos on Facebook they said god weren’t you pretty once. How hurtful is that hey?

I feel like this in my job sometimes. Bottom of the pecking order. The way I see it, you’re there to do a job. If you can get along with people in the meantime it makes it more bearable, if you can’t then you can’t. It’s a bonus not a necessity.

From the way you speak about them you don’t like them very much either so don’t give them a second thought and certainly don’t let them erode your self confidence. Go in, dress how you want and do your job. Then go home and forget about them. They aren’t worth your time.

Change jobs, it’s sounds quite toxic

I don’t give them a second thought usually…it’s because yesterday I was looking at my reflection and suddenly thought, what’s happened to you? Where’s your spark gone? Your quirky dress sense? The dress sense that used to get me compliments. I don’t really care for them at all but it’s being made to feel less than, and the weight I currently am, that has made me feel like this. I’m desperate to lose weight, but won’t use weight loss jabs (they all use them) I want an answer as to why I’m so overweight but as I said, all tests come back fine.

It sounds as though you’re reflecting your disappointment in yourself on your work colleagues and that’s not fair. Perhaps they’re picking up on the fact that you’re not happy but it’s coming off as though you’re off with them and they don’t know why. I’d focus on how you get yourself out of this funk because even if you leave you might experience the same thing elsewhere.

I think that young people can sometimes forget that older people are still human! I could be quite thoughtless when I was young and I’ve definitely worked places from my forties onwards where I’ve been overlooked when it comes to Friday drinks etc. I think you need a bit of a pick-me-up for you, regardless of whether your colleagues notice or not. Can you go out with DH after work on Friday and dress nicely for that? It might open the door for you feeling more confident to dress yourself in new outfits on normal days at work. Sod what they say or think, the most important opinion is yours so dress for yourself x

They sound awful and toxic. Would you consider looking for a new job? It sounds like you’re the classic “boiled frog” - bit by bit you’ve changed yourself in response to their behaviour (and your negative perception of yourself) and now you don’t recognise yourself. It’s also not made them accept you has it.

Put your headscarf back on, put your red lipstick on, hold your head up high, find yourself again. Buy some clothes that fit your body (the right size will help, dress for the body you have now). Don’t think about them think about you.

Are you sure it's not more to do with the way you feel about yourself now you've put on a lot of weight? No judgement. I felt bloody awful about myself when I was obese and it was most of my adult life. It sounds like a lot of interpretation about the way they feel on your part and you actively dislike them so this is bound to negatively impact on your perceptions.

I'm on the 'skinny jabs' and am very open about it but I don't owe anyone my medical history. I'm not sure why you think your colleagues should discuss their medical with you when you'll only use it to judge them further.

No I don’t think it’s me, I act very happy and bubbly at work, will compliment them on a new dress or shoes (I genuinely mean they look good) but pretty much just get dismissed. I am disappointed in myself, in how I look but believe I don’t take it out on others. When they’ve recently all lost weight on their jabs I’ve told them they look great, wish I could lose weight etc but again, just get dismissed. It is like I’m invisible. But I’ve read a lot about women feeling invisible in their mid 50’s

Invisibility is a superpower. Wear what you want for you and find a new job.

I don’t really feel like going out anywhere to be honest. I only leave the house to go to work but do go to exercise and weight training classes. All ages there, who are kind to everyone! I’m not a sensitive person, I just know when I’m being ostracised and being rude to. I look awful in anything I wear so just stick to black for the time being. I miss wearing colour. I also cannot afford new clothes. Xxx

I don’t judge them, I’ve told them how great they look. They didn’t really need them anyway! They all looked lovely before! But it’s a personal choice and only you know how you feel. I think I’m a kind person, I’m not bitter to anyone, I think that’s why I find rudeness and a mean girls situation so alien. I can’t compute the unkindness in my brain! Out of work I’m very popular, have lots of friends…they don’t. They only have each other.

I love Vinted and sell things to make it cost neutral. You do sound super judgemental about them and have painted yourself as 'good' and them as 'bad'. It's not their job to compliment you. Their role is to be professional and manage you effectively where appropriate. If they're not doing that then put in a grievance. I suspect your contempt of them is more obvious than you think.

Thank you, your comment is brilliant and helpful. It’s made me think you’re right! I will dress how I want. Shove their little mean girls group up their arses!! Meanwhile I’m looking into cortisol deficiency, that could have a bearing on such a large weight gain. Once again, thank you xxx

You could be right if I hadn’t have heard from friends that others have worked there and left due to their rude and bullying behaviour. One girl did report them but they just closed ranks and she left. There’s been 3 leave in total but it’s 2nd hand hearsay, I don’t know what happened. My contempt?! I don’t have contempt! I just wonder why the rudeness! Is it too much to say good morning to someone and be completely ignored??!!
anyway, I will look into Vinted, my friend has told me about it so maybe I can have a look on there.

I am not sure I understand what they’re doing that is rude or mean.

You say you make a comment but just get dismissed- what do they do or say that is dismissive? Do you mean they just don’t reply? Ignore you? Disagree with you? Or what?

They go out without you, but they’ve all been working there longer, they have had time to become friends. It’s clearly quite a tight knit friendship group especially if they don’t have other friends. I don’t think you can expect to be invited along just because you now work there too.

I honestly can’t tell whether they are genuinely being mean or whether this is mostly in your head. It sounds like you were already feeling down about your weight and perhaps you are seeing things through that lens.

And of course you should dress how you want! The red sounds great and I would love to have your hair.

I say good morning but get completely ignored, as if I’ve not even said it. There’s no way they haven’t heard me as they walk past my desk to get to their offices. I find that rude. Sometimes it might be because they’re deep in conversation about who their latest bloke is and don’t hear me? I find acknowledging someone on your arrival to work just a decent, good mannered thing to do. Maybe I’m just old fashioned?

You do have contempt. You say you work to live, as if their choice to pursue more money is worse, they're on 'skinny jabs', they don't compliment you (would you expect this from a male colleague?). However not saying good morning is rude if them. Your relationship has broken down beyond repair. Find a new job.

Are you on HRT for the menopause? It sounds like you’re very down. I think if you’re in a toxic workplace, it definitely exacerbates that feeling. I did notice you said They’ve made me feel ugly and unworthy to quote Eleanor Roosevelt, no-one can take your self-worth without your permission’. I’d suggest looking at some counselling - I recently had ACT (acceptance and compassion therapy), which I found really helpful.
Maybe start slow with adding some colour back in. Reclaim your sense of identify. I would suggest searching for a another job though, you spend so much time at work, it’s important to work somewhere where you feel positive.

Yes I think I will. I have a job interview next week, I didn’t want to mention it as feel I always jinx it when people know! It’s just not the place for me. I have great friends from previous jobs, all younger than me that I only worked with for a few months. I fully get you’re not going to get on with everyone. It’s hard to put into words, I’ve come off looking the bad/wrong one in this thread apart from a few who have experienced the same. I think until you’ve experienced it, it’s hard to describe. If I had no friends I would reflect and think it’s me, but I really don’t think it is and hearing 3 have left also because of them makes me feel less odd!

Yes I’m on an HRT patch, maybe I need antidepressants? I’ve worked other places where all ages get on great, it’s all felt very alien. I do like that Eleanor Roosevelt quote too!