Please help, I don't know what to do...

[somanythingssolittletime]

I have a job I LOVE, it's low stress, easy tasks, great team and great environment. But the pay is bad. I took a 50% paycut to join this job, it was a conscious decision because I had to leave a very toxic environment.
My job title has remained the same so on paper it doesn't look like a demotion. I have been there 1.5 years.

I can barely afford my life on this salary. I have made as many cuts to my budget as I can, but I also owe a lot on credit cards (thank you COL and SMP), thankfully they are on 0% but I need to earn more to be able to pay more than the minimums.

Having that job has done wonders for my mental health. I am calm, I can manage life with kids, I can manage my household. I have zero stress, which I know is a massive privilege to anyone who works full time. I was 15 years in a toxic industry (various companies) so being in my current role took a while for me to get used to (PTSD? maybe).

I was headhunted by a startup and was offered a promotion and +30% salary. In net terms this isn't too much uplift, but it will allow me to tackle my dept and not have to penny pinch every time I go to the shops. I would still need to hold a strict budget, but I will be able to buy my kids a cookie when we are at the park (I can't now). I am so scared to quit my job for this new one. I know financially it makes sense, but also my current job is so flexible, I work from home when I need to, I can be home with my kids when they are sick, I don't have ANY strict deadlines so missing a couple days of work does nothing to my workload.
My husband says we are too young to be this relaxed at work (we are both 40). And that we need to work hard for the next 10 years, until our kids are in their late teens, so then we can have financial freedom to relax a bit when the kids fly the nest.

I know all that make sense. I also know I love my current job so much, I love the industry, I have asked for a raise and was denied due to funding cuts. I fear that I am going to look back and regret leaving a job that so many may describe as a dream job.

The only way we could afford for me to stay is completely strip out all spending apart from mortgage, bills and food. That predominantly means tag team on childcare (DH's work is very unpredictable so I am not sure if he will be able to commit to that). It also means absolutely no money for anything fun. Currently the kids go to a childminder after school (they are Y1 and Y3) and they have dinner there, so when we get them we actually spend quality time with them and don't have to do dinner etc. Both me and DH work 9am-6pm, and we have an hour commute each way. I WFH 2-3 days per week, he does when he can, but when he is at home he is glued to his computer where I also do housework in between meetings (no hate - I overdeliver at work, but I do have down times).

The only reason I am considering this is the financials... Any thoughts?

It also means absolutely no money for anything fun.

And no money for any unexpected household expenses.

What would your commute be in the new job? (Sorry if you said and I missed it.)

I think tackling your debt and having some money for emergencies would be a good idea.
But I'm not sure giving up a secure job to go to a start-up is a good idea.
However, if one company wants you, maybe there are others who will. Can you have a look around, talk to some recruiters?

After 18 months in this role it wouldn’t be unreasonable to have a chat with them and see if you can negotiate a payrise.

The commute will be about 45 mins, 2 times per week in the office. The startup shows promising revenue and is planning to go to series A in the next year. Their runway is 18-14 months (I checked their financials).

I have been applying for jobs for the past year (just to keep my toes in the water), reached finals stages with loads but this it my only offer. I am still applying

I did they said no. They did say we can put a plan in place to build a case for it, but realistically anything above the COL adjustment won't come for at least another year, even more.

No matter how much I loved a job, I would hate being poor more.

I left my last job after 5 months - i didn't love it, but among the bonuses of my new job is significantly more pay, fewer hours, and a far shorter commute, so much less money on fuel/train tickets. I also have more autonomy. In many ways, it's the same job, but it is so much better than the previous one. Also, after 10 months, I've just been promoted.

One of the best things is, while I'm not totally out of the words financially, I'm not having to count the pennies in the same way, and it's a huge level of stress relieved. It's also good not being micromanaged, which was ultimately my reason for going at that point. But the money is definitely good - it meant when my washing machine died recently, I didn't have to sell my kidneys or anything.

Taking a new job is always a leap of faith - people on both sides are in their best behaviour at interviews. But it can pay off.

I’d look for a new job with more money.

However, I would avoid a start up at all costs. I work for a large firm and many colleagues have left over the years for start ups and every single one has regretted it massively

I am in, not kidding, the exact same situation but without the job offer. Ultimately we need money to live, and saving for the future etc makes a huge impact longer term. I have that same anxiety about getting back into a well paid job, so I’m going to be getting therapy when I finally do get a job offer. An easy life is dreamy, but longer term you deserve better and you are capable of better!

I was doing so well with therapy!! But I had to stop due to costs. Definitely I’ll resume if I decide to get the high paying job

My husband says we are too young to be this relaxed at work (we are both 40). And that we need to work hard for the next 10 years, until our kids are in their late teens, so then we can have financial freedom to relax a bit when the kids fly the nest

I just want to ask a bit more about this. How often does your DH cover the kids being sick? Does he also have debt from when your income dropped from SMP? If you get a higher paid role again, will he commit to sharing childcare when they can't go to school/childminders for whatever reason.

I'm not sure joining a start up would be the wisest move when you don't have a financial buffer.

He helps when he can, but definitely I am the one who needs to be more available. He will jump in to help when I say I can't for whatever reason. No he doesn't have debt - this is all mine as we have separate finances.

Your job is bringing you stress though...financial stress. Nothing keeps me awake more at night than the thought of not being financially secure so, for me, that would be the thing I'd try to avoid.

I'm with your husband that it makes sense to maximise your earning potential now.

I know this isn't a relationships post, but do you think the finances are split fairly? I've never had a joint account with my husband btw but we have a fair split of costs, proportionate to our incomes.

I think it's sort of relevant, because if you weren't in debt, then getting new job wouldn't feel quite so desperate. They are his kids too (I assume) so your SMP causing you to run up credit card debt is something I'd struggle to be ok with.

Though, from what you've said, you're underpaid so I'd carry on looking. But with primary school age kids, a husband who won't share the sick days, having a fairly low demand, but flexible job with a job title that looks good on your CV, isn't being too "relaxed"

You are right on the finances but it's a big conversation - and we are working together on it.

You are also correct to say that I do a lot of the invisible labour related to the kids/life admin etc and although he is attempting to be be more involved, the mental load still falls on me (if I prompt him he will do things, but I still have to remember to prompt him)

If I go for the higher paying job we would have to rely on childcare a lot more, and also I have the fear of the unknown.. the new company say they are flexible, but in practice I don't know if they will meet my needs as a mother of young children. I know what a start up mentality is, so I am not sure if I can dedicate so much of my brain capacity at work. But I need the money.

I wouldn't leave your current role for a start up but I would look for a new position with an employer who has proven stablity and pays more than you are currently earning. Being poor and just financially surviving is miserable.

I never understand separate finances in a marriage. So he gets to only help out while keeping more of his money? Cake and eat it. All the money should be family money, like all the chores.

It’s a very tricky balance. Having flexibility for supporting your children is so helpful. Even as teens they need parents around, more so in fact often.

Your DH has a strong opinion but what are his career options in terms of increasing his salary and prospects, why is the pressure on you when you’re juggling the main load.

I wouldn’t honestly. I left a note stressful job for a more stressful job and regretted it. Can you have a side/evening project to earn a bit extra? It might be less stressful than a new job.

Would all the childcare costs be yours? I don't think the start up is the right choice, as it sounds like all the risks are yours. I know you're utterly exhausted, but if your DH truly picked up more household drudgery (without you needing to him instruct him to carry out each thing), would you have any opportunties to pick up any freelance type work? (if that's allowed with your current employer). Maybe even propose that to the start-up?

Can I also add that teens can be quite expensive generally, (food clothing activities etc), even more so if they go onto university. So I wouldn't assume you could kick back when they're late teens.