Really struggling with anxiety. Not sure how to cope.

[Monzo235]

I’m 29M. Currently I live in London and have done. For the last 2 years.

I live with 2 housemates. One of them is great. The other is really difficult. At the end of the year the one I like is probably moving in with his partner and I don’t want to live just with the other guy. I can’t afford to live on my own in London. I don’t want to live with random housemates anymore. So not sure what to do. I don’t know where I’ll live and likely have to move back home with my parents.

My job is going terribly. I work for Deloitte and my team has no work. I haven’t been on a project in months. I don’t think my team like me that much. Management is awful. And im worried if im on the bench much longer they’ll boot me out.

I’ve also been dating someone for 3 months. It’s going really well. We’ve got really close. And she really likes me. I like her a lot too. But she’s 36. Almost 8 years older than me. And I’m worried this situation is going to steal my chance at having biological kids. I’m starting to feel I’m in too deep to get out, even if I don’t really want out right now. She doesn’t talk about the future and just tells me to leave if I don’t think it’ll work out. Or stay and be with her properly.

I don’t know what to do. I’m really struggling.

There's a lot happening in your life.
Ideally you need to consider each aspect - your home, your work, your relationship.
There's uncertainty in each. Hence your understandable anxiety.
You have the power to change each of them. But maybe address the part giving you the most stress first?
In your shoes I would be looking for another job - you can see there's not much work ahead and you're in a stronger position to apply for jobs when working.
Your housing situation can also be changed. Would living with your parents for a while work? Would they be happy with that?
Your relationship - yes, your GF window for children is smaller than yours, but if she is relaxed about that, you still have years to make that decision. My advice would be that if you are currently happy, I wouldn't change anything until you are more settled in other parts of your life.
In the meantime - take care of yourself, literally - eat well, get some fresh air and exercise, relax, sleep and find the joy in life. You're young, healthy and with amazing opportunities ahead of you.

Thanks for the advice. This is really kind.

I guess yeah, they’re all giving me anxiety and together they really overload me.

I think the relationship gives me most stress. I know I can’t control her and her clock. But do we actually have time if I want kids? Also, the longer it goes on the more attached we both become. So I feel this need to know asap what’s gonna happen.

i could live with my parents but ill be 30 and 2 hours from work. Living at home.

Poor you. London can be really hard on you when it's not going well. I remember feeling very similarly to you when I was your age.

I agree with starting with the job. If you got a job with Deloitte in the first place you obviously have a lot to offer. Do you want to be in London? Is Deloitte the kind of place you can transfer between teams? It's certainly big enough.

I would take a weekend away on your own and go on a long walk or something and think about what you want your life to look like. It's easy to get into a 'but I can't' mindset but start with the view that more or less anything is possible. Imagine your ideal future. Then you can think about how to get there.

I did want to be in London. But the longer I’m here the more unsure I become. All my friends are here and they’d stop bothering with me if I left. Also the girl I’m seeing likely wouldn’t continue with me either

When did you last leave London? Honestly I think a little break to get some perspective really helps sometimes.

I leave often to the south west where my parents are. Stay for a few days. It can help but sometimes reminds me how few people there are my age there. Especially single people if I end up that way again

Back again posting about the relationship you’ve made multiple other threads on. Still not took the advice to leave her, stop messing people around, and seek therapy?

My DD was struggling with making a decision recently - she wanted to know what the right choice would be and was spiralling about the impact on her life (she is a teenager 😄) and someone gave her the best piece of advice. Just make the next decision. It's beautifully simple but very wise.
Sometimes you need to stop overthinking. Make the next decision. Accept it. Move on.
Your relationship is a source of anxiety because you're worried about things you can't control. Your GF is right, you need to either leave or be present and open to where it goes. Worrying about hypothetical children is kind of understandable and responsible - or are you putting imaginary obstacles in the way?

I’m worried that she’ll be too old to have our hypothetical children if I get to a point with her where I do want them. I’m also worried she isn’t the one i want to marry. Or if she is, then will she be too old to have kids / do I have time to get to that point.

thats the spiral

I think perhaps your uncertainty is actually the proof that this isn't the right relationship.
Several months into a relationship, people generally know.

Same advice as every other thread you’ve posted:

• End your relationship
• Seek therapy before you even think about having another

I don’t know why she isn’t talking to me about it herself though. She said 3 months is too early to know if she’d want kids with me

Seriously - 3 months in. It shouldn't be this hard.
The agonising and spiralling is too much.
Either just be in the relationship and enjoy it for what it is without all the drama about kids or finish it.
Early days - should be fun.
6-12 months - think about commitment
Helps if you're on the same page - DH told me on our 2nd date he wanted more kids (he had 2). I said I did want children at some point. Same page.
When? We didn't have that conversation for months.
For context, our DD was born when I was 36. Late 30's is not at all uncommon for 1st babies.

Deloitte does a lot of work with AxA doesn’t it? If you’re not keen on your job then move, loads of the Deloitte people end up in insurance based businesses maybe it’s time for a change. Do you want to move house maybe towns? If you’re not happy you are the only one who can change things. Sometimes these terrible feeling are our bodies way of making us take a step back snd reassess our lives. Think about what really makes you happy snd what you want to change.

I’ve asked her if she wants kids. She said she’s open to it but only with the right person and doesn’t know if that me yet.

I know late 30’s isn’t that uncommon. But considering she’s 37 in December. And I’d need at least 2 years until I was certain she’s the one for kids. That makes her 39 by the time we even seriously try. Earliest. Is that still feasible?

im also not sure if id even be ready at that point. We wouldnt be married likely. Probably no pets. Wouldn’t have been living together that long.

but. The present is really nice

I do a very specific kind of job here in that is outside the normal Deloitte role. It’s more tech and engineering. So it’s quite niche and hard to find elsewhere. Especially if I haven’t actually been given work

I don't know where your parents live in the South West but there are areas there which are full of young people having a ball - Bristol for example.

I worked for Deloitte and that place is hell. It literally chews people up and spits them out. There were so many people off long term with mental health issues it was ridiculous.

Here's a plan.

Leave Deloitte. Having worked for them you'll be cat nip to other employers (for some bizarre reason). Get another job - any other job, but get it out of London so you can have a break. Perhaps have a short term plan to live with your parents and a long term plan to build a new life you'll enjoy. You are very young. You have many options and a long life ahead of you in which to live them.

Make a list of pros and cons about your relationship. Make a decision and stick with it. Either you love her enough to forego kids, or you don't. Only you can decide.

I will leave Deloitte. Just where to go is another question. Especially with my skills it’s a bit random.

I don’t love her enough to forego kids. I’ve told her it’s something thst is non negotiable. But she doesn’t seem to think it’s off the table?

So leave Deloitte. That's easy.

Your anxiety about what comes next is stopping you taking the risks that will set you up for the next stage of your life.

You don't need to get the next move 'right', you just need to make a move.
Get a lawn mowing round near your parents. If there are few young people there there will plenty of old people who need their lawns mowing. Then spend the time mowing having a good think, getting fit and relaxing.

You can still see your girlfriend and see what develops. Some physical distance between you might help.

Honestly you just need to do something and take one step. Your only other option is to drip along being unhappy indefinitely and schlepping into fucking Deloitte day in day out to sit twiddling your thumbs.

Just reread your original OP. See you've only been with your girlfriend three months.

Three months!!!! You're getting in a knot about having kids and are all over questioning yourself after three months??? Good God man, you're only in your twenties. It's meant to be all sex and fun at that stage. Your girlfriend is saying if it isn't right just leave. Well it isn't right is it as it's not making you happy.

Stop worrying, start living or it's going to slip you by.

yeah. I’m trying my best.

Honestly my relationship is what’s causing me the most stress. I know it’s only been 3 months but because she’s 36 I feel intense pressure. She’s very easy breezy go with the flow. Even quite nonchalant about her age and kids. All the hard decisions are gonna drop on me.

Yes. Because she’s 36.

yeah it’s fun and the sex is great. But I’m also getting attached. I don’t want to leave but what if I fall in love with her then she can’t have kids?

What if you can’t have kids right now? Have you had a full sperm analysis done? How do you know that actually right now you’re not infertile?

As you were told last time- stop messing her around just leave her, and get LOTS of therapy before considering another relationship.

I’m not messing her around? I literally talk to her about this all the time

I don’t need therapy. I just need help on this perfectly reasonable thing to be anxious about

I’m not messing her around? I literally talk to her about this all the time
But she's already given you an answer.
Yes, but not yet.
If you can't sit with that, then leave. Stop raking it over.