Finding it quite hard to write this out. I have a job, been there less than a year. I promised myself I wouldn't ever let myself get to this or stay in a situation like this I.e. that made me so unhappy. I'm trying really hard to use positive language but I am feeling really disregulated.
Everything has been hard and I'm not sure why - I could list things out but is it just the case that hindsight is 20/20.
Things like the way I was onboarded - vv stressful.
My manager disappeared at some key points, didn't do very much to help, support offered, had to chase.
Unclear expectations or limited in guidance until the last minute when I've spent an inordinate amount of time on things. I let all this go as I like the place and role.
There's now some things that are coming slamming down on me and the department is slightly in the red. I feel spun around. I'm so confused as I have just tried to work through things in a logical order.
I tried to update her and lead on my priorities, but she's always had this list of stuff which she wants from me that is 'good for the team' but not really the stuff that we're going to get judged on IYSWIM.
I feel quite isolated by this as she bought the department out in front of everyone. I wasn't solely singled out or anything but I feel vulnerable.
Im also constantly confused by the feedback style. We were shown areas where we need to improve - they don't look great at all, but she says don't worry about them. I don't trust this is the case at all - I should be worried. I have no one to talk to, I feel sad and the only think I can think of doing is working harder. Now I have written this out I want to cry. I love this job and company and don't want to leave but do I have a choice? If we are in the red am I to blame? There is a graveyard of previous managers if it makes any difference. I feel so upset and have a banging headache and am having suicidal feelings.
Does anyone have any advice?