Conflict resolution and autism

[TheBurgandyonmytshirt]

I’m hoping to gain advice on where I can seek training or guidance to resolve the following issue and better support my colleague.

by way of background, we are both autistic.

my colleague has received multiple complaints about his conduct and behaviour, described as aggressive and confrontational from clients and consultants. I have witnessed some of these and do have to agree. I have also heard him express how he enjoys “making people feel like deers in headlights before running them over” and “using their own evidence against them”.

The issue is, he is claiming that he isn’t aggressive but rather people are tone policing him and being discriminatory towards him because they’re misunderstanding him.

but the clients and consultants do not know he is autistic because he does not want them to know.

i would appreciate any courses i could suggest he does alone or we do together or a way to suggest he does disclose his diagnosis if he feels like he is being discriminated against.

The reason I want to do this is because it is impacting our company’s reputation and I have been working really hard to undo that, i do think he is just being unnecessarily aggressive at the clients’ expense and our company’s reputation but maybe I am being unfair and I’m nervous I am being discriminatory too.

I have also heard him express how he enjoys “making people feel like deers in headlights before running them over”

This has nothing to do with autism and everything to do with being a nasty piece of work. He’s weaponising his diagnosis so he’s not held to account, and perpetuating the stereotype that ND = bad behaviour.

If you’re just a colleague though and not his superior then I wouldn’t do anything. One too many clients will raise issues and he’ll have to deal with the consequences.

Technically I am his superior but we haven’t ever really operated like that because he is good at his job but the complaints are coming in thick now.

I did raise it before but he said he would sue me for tone policing

He can't sue you for tone policing, FFS! He's being a lunatic.

My autistic adult son often came across as aggressive when that's not his intention - he thinks a rather bruising cut and thrust of argument is how to have fun with friends. We've talked about it multiple times and he is much better than he was.

The thing was getting him to see communication isn't just about what he says and how he says it, it's also about how that is received by the audience. So if people found his tone aggressive or intimidating, he'd failed in his attempt to communicate.

He does hate to think he's failed, so he moderates his tone now.

This is a situation where you need to get input from hr asap as realistically he should be dismissed for inappropriate behaviour towards staff and client's, hes bullying them for his own entertainment and has admitted this to you that's gross misconduct there and his threats of sueing you especially if he knows that you're autistic is the same.
As long as you follow proper procedure for sacking him ie proformance reviews/formal warnings etc he can try and sue but he'll get his arse handed to him by the judge if his case survives a strike out motion (and that's a huge if btw)
Basically hes a nasty bullying who needs to go before he destroys your companies reputation any further than he already has.

You sound like a lovely person OP - but this^

He is a nasty piece of work who is using his diagnosis as a weapon. Bottom line is that even if his behaviour IS a result of his autism - and it clearly isn't - he can and should be dismissed. His behaviour is damaging the company, clients and staff relations. And I say that as someone with a disability. Disability is not a shield for bad behaviour.

It’s frustrating as his work is great and he is great at finding solutions. I’m his supervisor only to sign off his work and to designated work flows etc.

when I have raised how we need to adhere to our professional’s code of conduct and attempted to give examples of how he can come across as confrontational, he then just says people shouldn’t take things personally and it’s their issue if they don’t know how to communicate with him as an autistic person. I did try to explain that I am autistic but do still give consideration to relationships but he told me that I’m an ableist.

I thought if I can find some training that we both do then perhaps it will be seen as neutral and not directly aimed at him

i found some recently, so i am sure if you google it you too can find it, it was reached via my learning portal, nhs.

or perhaps you can take him away from public contact?

I could only find training that was aimed at raising autism or making others aware of autism.

whats hard is when clients and consultants complain about his behaviour but I cannot disclose he is stating it’s because he is autistic. I just ensure he doesn’t get put back on those projects. But he complains that it’s impacting what he is being allowed to do and that I’m unfairly siding with them rather than defending him but how can I?

I have considered taking him away from public contact, I think I need to talk to Hr about that

His behaviour towards others can’t be excused away as him being autistic, it’s because he’s an aggressive bully who isn’t willing to take responsibility to resolve conflict in a professional and respectful manner.

Your colleague has a superiority complex that isn’t warranted as he’s not recognising his limitations.

Surely this issue should have been brought up by his line manager in a review meeting by now?

Believe me, people will guess the asd. Distance yourself from him. He sounds an utter bully

If you’re responsible for managing him you’re going to need to be very clear about the likely consequences longer term for him not improving his communication skills.

It’s not enough to rely on his autism as a “get out of jail free” card.

I’m autistic too and suffer from perfectionism and black and white thinking at times. However, in a work situation I have to make an effort to understand other points of view and accept that they’re equally valid.

You need to explain to him that sometimes his perfect solution isn’t necessarily the only solution to a problem and that sometimes you have to choose the next best solution and accept that whilst not perfect, it is good enough and will still meet the need.

I manage someone who is autistic. She also creates a lot of conflict and has caused the company financial detriment (being vague here…). She’s had lots of feedback explanations chances expectations set coaching etc but still is continuing to behave in a way that creates conflict at every turn. I’m now pursuing performance management.

I think it’s important to realise you can be autistic and be an arsehole. He can’t hide behind the label as it’s not an excuse to upset people. His deer in the headlights comments are a good indicator of what you’re dealing with.

Thank you all for talking this through with me.

I definitely do feel like he is being an arsehole, those particular comments prove it, but I just feel so nervous about potential discrimination claims as he has said before that his justice seeking is a core trait that we have to adjust.

I need to understand how I can get him coaching and perhaps take him off consultant and client facing positions, move him over away from that conflict

Are you his line manager? If not, keep well out of it!

If you are, get HR advice as this colleague and situation present a lot of risks for you.