How do you decide between career growth and protecting low-stress rhythm for family planning?

[jenniferslarp]

I’m 36, a Londoner and sitting with a career decision that feels bigger than just “job A vs job B.” It’s tangled up with family planning, financial autonomy, recovering from burnout, and the kind of life I want to build. I’ve managed to create a rhythm where I can switch off after 6pm—and I want to protect that, while also making space for what comes next.

I don’t have children yet (me and my partner, 38 want to next year), but I’m trying to design a life that allows for motherhood, financial stability, working somewhere where effort actually leads to progress—not just burnout—and emotional sustainability.

Earlier this year, I left a business development role in architecture after three years. It was mostly on-site, with very limited working from home—usually only during intense deadlines when we needed quiet to focus. The pace was demanding in a very tough market, but the team and studio culture were genuinely amazing. That job offered enhanced maternity pay, but with clawbacks—and the stress made me realise I wasn’t going to conceive there, let alone return post-leave. Maybe I was wrong, but at the time, it felt like survival mode and I needed a reset.

I moved to a similar BD role at a much smaller design consultancy—about 10 people. I work in the studio once or twice a month, and it’s pretty remote and flexible overall. It’s low stress and adaptable, but there’s no real room for growth. I’m close to qualifying for statutory maternity pay and been there only 4 months, but it’s not paid as much as I could be earning—my last raise was in 2023, and this job offered just a 0.83% increase, which felt acceptable given the lower stress and flexibility.

Now I’ve been offered a BD role at a large engineering consultancy I’ve worked with in the past and know fairly well. I was genuinely curious about the role when it came up—it’s a step in a different direction, outside of bid production and more focused on strategic development—with a 13.6% increase on my current salary (approximately 28.6% when factoring in benefits, enhanced parental leave and discretionary bonus). The studio culture reminds me of what I loved at my first job—collaborative, energising, and full of smart people. The company operates on a hybrid model, and they seem to genuinely want to support career progression.

I felt invigorated and curious from discussions with leadership—but not all is perfect. That said, I don’t know what the stress levels will be like, especially as I’d be working alongside one of the firm’s highest work winners. It’s an international consultancy working in demanding markets—including the Middle East—which raises questions about pace, expectations, and whether this is the right move at this moment in my life. It’s also a completely new role within their department, which makes it even more interesting—but also harder to predict.

I’m torn between the challenge of the new opportunity and the quiet sustainability of staying put which better supports the conditions I’d need for conception and hopefully a healthy pregnancy.

Has anyone navigated something similar? What helped you decide?

Take the new job and also start trying for a baby. Then no matter what happens you've got the best of both worlds. Good luck!

I stayed in my job 5 years longer than I wanted because of trying to conceive. Remember that sometimes it doesn't work out. I wish I'd jumped and taken the risk, but I stayed because 6 months full maternity pay is not that easy to find...

While I was pregnant, I was reached out to by a recruiter working for McKinsey.

I think you should take the new job. With the higher pay, you could potentially work part time in future. And you can always look for a more family friendly role when you actually need one.

Hard one. Are you trying to conceive already or waiting until next year?

It sounds like a great job and like you would relish parts of it. If you pass you may feel very sad you missed that opportunity. Having said that it sounds like stress gets to you and if you take the job, feel stressed and don’t conceive you may always wonder whether you could have conceived with less stress.

I’ve always worked busy and demanding jobs both before conceiving and throughout my kids’ childhoods. But I like the adrenaline of a fast paced job and the juggle of career and kids so I never really considered a different way. This way worked for me. Only you can judge what will work for you.

Thank you—this really helps. I’m not actively trying yet, but it’s very much on the horizon and definitely on the cards for next year. I’m trying to make space for it emotionally and practically. You’re right that I’d probably relish parts of the new role—it’s intellectually engaging and culturally energising, and I felt a real spark in conversations with leadership (although they are predominantly men). As a completely new role, I’d also have the chance to shape it from the ground up, and I get the sense they expect initiative and vision.

I do handle stress, but I’ve learned this year—especially after finding a better-fit job—that doesn’t mean I should keep absorbing it. I think my real weakness in the role I left was not setting firm enough boundaries. Stress is still stress—and when overtime becomes routine, it starts to chip away at the emotional space I need for clarity, recovery, and family planning.

I’ve made big intentional decisions in my career this year to honour both my capability and my sustainability. And I’m trying to make this next decision in a way that also honours planning for the future—including the possibility of starting a family. I guess there will always be unknowns, but this week, when I thought I was going to reject the job offer to stay in a very manageable (and quite unstimulating and lonely) role, I actually felt quite gutted by the thought. Also of course wondering if I am just massively overthinking it all!

I’m not sure why you’re so convinced that work stress means that you wouldn’t conceive. Plenty of people conceive in all sorts of situations - my DS was, somewhat surprisingly, conceived while I was in the middle of a breakdown. If you want the job, I think you should take it.

Did you use ChatGPT to write your posts? The AI tone is a bit offputting.

Has the stress impacted your hormonal health/periods already?

Thanks for sharing that—it’s true, people conceive in all kinds of circumstances. My sister-in-law miscarried and mentioned she was really stressed at the time, so I guess that’s shaped how I think about it. But you’re right—I can’t assume that would happen to me, or to everyone.

No, stress hasn’t impacted my cycle—it’s been regular. I guess the main thing is that I just really don’t want to end up in another role that consumes me to the point where I lose sight of what’s important. I’ve come a long way in terms of mindset—especially around not overextending myself, which can easily happen in this kind of job, and setting boundaries which I think really helps.

Why do you think you need to “make space” for trying to conceive? Obviously your age might be a challenge but even still most women in their mid-30s are capable of conceiving healthy babies. When they say stress can affect pregnancies they are talking about women who live in war zones, not white collar job stress. I would caution strongly against centering your life around something you can’t control. Take the job if it sounds appealing, have sex with your husband while you are ovulating and go from there.

I appreciate your directness—it’s made me realise I’ve got too much space in my current role. I can literally do it with my eyes closed, and I don’t love being at home all the time or working in a studio with no real culture to thrive or learn from. While I know many people in London—and the few new mums I know—would love this kind of flexibility, and it would be ideal for me as a parent, the truth is I’m not one yet. I’ve found a better alternative, and I know I’m naturally prone to overthinking things I can’t control. And yes, in the grand scheme of the very depressing world right now, this isn’t really a problem!

How often is the new job opportunity likely to come up in the future?
Is the new job flexible and family friendly?
If you take the new job, have a baby, then can't handle the pressure, could you come back to a job like the one you have?

Also remember that most miscarriage are the result of chromosomal anomaly. The body aborts the fetus because it can't grow into a viable baby. It happens because either the egg or sperm has a chromosomal mutation. It has nothing to do with stress and it's not something you can control.