Rudeness in the workplace

[Waterhorse46]

I’m in a leadership role and clashing with a senior member of staff. I’ve tried to keep it professional, but the behaviour is getting to me.

Examples:

• When they do show up, it’s like they’re too important to be amongst the meeting
• they are rude and ignore me some days if I say hello so I stopped saying it
• they’re always annoyed or look like someone’s annoyed them
• the tone they take with me is inappropriate at times and recently they took half an hour to quite literally attempt to argue something that didn’t need to be argued. I just had to de escalate but the staff member was very intimidating
• they approached me to ask about something but instead of asking all they did was almost shout at me. I’ve never been spoken to that way in all my working years and I was quite shocked so I raised it with the man at the top of the leadership chain in the building.
• I felt the staff member almost came in to shout at me over a certain decision that I didn’t make which frustrated me because when I attempted to defend myself they began to raise their voice but looked like they had a calm exterior
• I’ve never felt comfortable around or near this person and clearly this is why

I flagged it with upper leadership. They’ve suggested mediation, but I’ve refused at the moment because mediation feels like I’d be pressured to smooth things over and act “nice,” when all I really want is for the behaviour to be acknowledged and a proper apology. I know I may not gain the apology. Also I’m not refusing mediation outright. I just felt with multiple deadlines last week it wasn’t the time.
How do I proceed??

Do the mediation. It shows your most senior boss’s that you are trying and willing to make the effort. Good luck. X

I did say I was unwilling to do it last week but I suppose I will need to do it this week. What to I say to them in a mediation.

Who is their line manager? Have you asked them to deal with their behaviour?

Say what you’ve said here, the incidents you cited and you feel like it’s hurting your working relationship.

this persons behaviour may not change, but you may not be the only one raising these concerns.

I have indeed. I said they can do that first and then mediation I had a shit tonne of deadlines last week so I just couldn’t make the space or headspace for it

this staff member has already had 2 formals and multiple complaints. However they still stand higher than the rest of us. Which is power in itself.

I had this situation- with two people I managed, they would shout at me and roll their eyes, refuse to do work they disagreed with (but in their job description). I was advised to do mediation by my manager- where they again shouted and rolled their eyes…
My Manager and HR shrugged their shoulders.. I left. (NHS).
I would ask what the next steps are if mediation fails.

I’d do the mediation, as pp said, it shows willingness. It’s not clear who has the more senior role, or are you on an equal footing? Are they undermining or just unpleasant?

With yours added to these you have good grounds to ask most senior managers how they intend to manage which they have suggested mediation. So do it and as someone else has said here you can ask what is the process following mediation if these issues aren’t resolved.

I hope your workplace can support you and effectively manage it, however it sounds like this person has longstanding behaviour patterns and you may need to decide what you want to do if they carry on.

I had a similar experience with a character in the past, but I found out that the person concerned had a very sad trauma in their life and once I knew that, it washed over me actually.

Is it just you who is the target of this behaviour? If so I’d think about making a complaint of bullying.

Is this person more or less senior to you?

You need to go to mediation or you will be seen as the person who is causing trouble.

Explain your issues clearly and go through the process. Then if it continues escalate this further.

Did the other people who have put in complaints have mediations, and what good did that do if they did?

How senior - is he the owner or does someone actually manage him?

"Why do you think you can shout at me"

Then shut up and listen to them try to justify their right to shout at you.

And before you agree have a more (or as) senior employee as the other employee be the mediation person.

You want to have basic respectful actions which is no raised voices.

Or in real life you want them barred/limited from physical interactions with you such that contact is limited to email as much as possible or communication is via their manager

Forget about the not saying hello or looking angry etc.

Keep it simple and every time they move off the topic bring it back to being shouted at.
• raised agressive voice disrespecting your position within the team
• raised voice is poor managment example for team
• shows lack of ability to communicate without becomming loud and agressive
• etc

Until such time as the senior managers are willing to take action you as the junior are being subjected to harrassment and bullying so you need to force management into protecting the company from you suing for constructive dismissal by either removing the employee (unlikely) or removing contact or buying you off and paying for you to leave

"Why do you think you can shout at me"

They can just reply "I didn't shout", and then your are in a "yes-you-did-no-I-didn't" doom loop.

We have someone like this at my work. I have begun poking the bear by saying "Why do you have to be so emotional?" or "You're being irrational." also, "I can't talk to you when you're like this. Come back when you're able to speak to me calmly and respectfully"..... (How to annoy a bloke 101.) I document exactly what I say and how he responds. Everyone has complained about this particular git, and honestly, I got sick of gentle parenting him.

Oooh, also stare at them until they run out of steam, raise your eyebrow and say "Are you finished? Noted. You can go now."

Then use the term raised voice.

And if the person denys it is happening the OP turns to the mediator and point out that
• she has engaged in the process in good faith and
• the other employee is claiming that they are not doing what they are doing and
• no solution can be found while the other employee fails to recognise their actions and the impact the action has on the OP.

Then the solution to the problem reverts back to senior management.

The OP can say she refuses to be abused in her workplace and what is her employer going to do to prevent it happening again when the offender refuses to accept their actions.

The mediatìon is not about stopping the other employee because they will not stop. It is about forcing the OPs managers to manage.

"Why do you think you can raise your voice at me?"
"I didn't."
[to mediator] "They are denying what they did."
Mediator: "This is not about blame, this is about moving forward in a positive way blah blah"

This is how the conversation will go. It's only on TV that the heroine wins while the villain crumbles into abject apologies. It sounds like the other person is a serial offender, totally unaware. There are no instant fixes or zingers that are going to break through. That's why it's important to understand where they both sit respective to each other in the organisation, and who OP has the support of.

It always going to be about power.

Employee has 2 formal warnings nobody is that stupid as to be unaware of why they got a warning. The employee is being abusive because the organisation allow the abuse by not sacking for cause eg the employee has a economic value makes the company money or costs too much to sack.

The OP has the option to stay or to prove she has been forced out by the inaction of the company.

"Why do you think you can raise your voice at me?"
"I didn't."
[to mediator] "They are denying what they did."
Mediator: "This is not about blame, this is about moving forward in a positive way blah blah"

^ this is an informal grievance process.
If this fails the only way the company is covered is if a formal process is started and they make an official decision on the events.

And the OP has no warnings on her file and (I assume) a good reputation of getting along with others.

The managers can choose not to act and OP can get legal advice on how to manage a constructive dismissal case. She can continue working for as long as she can and file a formal grievance and if she needs to start job hunting as a result of the inaction. The employer has to make a financial decision to fight or to offer a payoff.

If she stays she needs to be in a position with the support of management to be able to politely tell the employee "We are done, you need to have this conversation with my manager" and then walk away ignoring further interactions.

You are not helping yourself. HR cannot act on just your version of what has happened, this can lead into all sorts of trouble.

Do the mediation or find another job.

I will do the mediation. I refused last week due to a deadline and I was told the senior team will speak to the staff member first.

I love this so much. Nothing more likely to aggravate this kind of man than accusing them of being emotional or irrational. Emotional in particular. But if they're all angry or shouty then it's entirely accurate.