Constantly torn between work and kids – how do you find the balance?

[CareerJuggler]

Lately I feel like I’m dropping the ball no matter what I do. If I give more energy to work, I feel guilty about not being there enough for the kids. If I focus on the kids, then work starts piling up and I feel like I’m falling behind.
It honestly feels like I’m always stretched too thin and never doing either role properly. Do you ever manage to find a balance, or is it just about accepting the chaos? I’d really like to hear how others juggle it, because right now it feels impossible to get it right.

I'm a single parent and I have my kids 24/7

I also work full time in a job that demands lots of travel and long days

So I have to cook meals after work, clean the house, fix the house and anything else that comes along

But I try and spend an hour a day normally after dinner doing something with the kids

We watch a TV programme together, play cards or a board game

Just something to spend a bit of time with them most days

And at the weekend a day out

This does depend on the age of your kids, my are secondary school age which helps a lot with them being independent and getting themselves home from school and letting themselves in and stuff till I get home and make food

Do you have a partner and, if so, do they pull their weight? Different if you’re a single parent!

I work intensely when I’m at work, but switch focus when I’m not, so neither work nor home life creep into each other. But I also have a DH who does a lot of the housework, and is very available for the kids, so even if I’m not available, he is.

How old are your kids? What hours are you trying to juggle with them around? Do you have any support?

I don’t get this. I go to my quite high responsibility job, work hard and do my best at it. Do my hours. Switch laptop off and then I’m a parent. Rarely the two mix and I don’t know why they ever need to. If your job is taking over you need to stop being a martyr. Work to live not live to work.

I had to cut back to 20 hours a week spread over school hours as I couldn't cope as a single parent anymore. Ironically the older they get, the more they seem to need me around

That sounds like an incredible juggling act—honestly, hats off to you. I really like the idea of carving out that one hour a day just for quality time; it feels much more doable than trying to be “on” all the time. Mine are still a bit younger, so I think I need to remind myself it doesn’t have to be big or perfect, just consistent.

I do have a partner, but you’re right, how much they actually share the load makes a massive difference. Sounds like your DH being really present helps a lot—I think I need to have a proper chat about dividing things up more fairly, because right now I feel like I’m carrying most of it, and that probably adds to the guilt.

They’re still primary school age, which is maybe why it feels so full-on—they can’t quite be left to their own devices yet. I do have some family nearby, but I hate to lean on them too much. Maybe I need to rethink how much support I’m actually willing to accept instead of trying to do it all myself.

These feckless partners should be ashamed of themselves. If you both work full time you need to be putting in equal time and responsibility with children.

Absolutely, shared responsibility is so important.

What’s your job op? Is it something you can and do leave at work when you finish for the day? I think work discipline is so important. When I was child free I would work on my own time all the time or just not leave the office on time etc. But since having children I’m probably 5 times more productive during work hours and completely switch off when I finish (unless there is an emergency and I’m contacted via phone). Ours are younger though, nursery age so maybe they’re less demanding at the moment.

I get it. I have three primary age children and work in a role where ‘normal working hours’ aren’t a thing. I also have a 1.5hr commute either side, so even if I leave work at a decent time, it’s a mad rush to be home before the kids go to bed.

I guess you have to ask yourself how important your job is to you. I love my job, I’m very good at it and it pays very well, so I am prepared to accept it. I just try to make sure that when I am home, I am as present with my children as possible and I take annual leave for things like sports day, school plays etc so I don’t miss them.

Division of labour is crucial though. My husband has a very flexible job and is very hands on with the kids and the house, so we had a big conversation before I accepted the job about what it would mean and what it would take. We also try and keep one evening a week where we commit to cooking a nice dinner together, watching a film etc.

i also admit that we have a lot of outside help which I wouldn’t manage without - a nanny who is home to receive the kids from the school bus, make the lunch boxes etc. And we have a cleaner and send most of our laundry out. I do an online food shop at my desk a few times a week and do things like order world book day costumes, birthday presents etc online as soon as they go into the diary.

I have a shared calendar with my husband (and nanny) where every little thing is entered and I have lists on the fridge of who needs swim kit on which day, timings of football practice, which day spelling tests are etc.

It’s not easy and I am constantly feeling like I’m dropping at least one ball. But I know it won’t be this way forever, so for now I just need to get doing my best and that’s all I can do.

I have primary school and nursery age children, 7 & almost 4. I was full time but have recently started working compressed hours at 0.9 fte and taking every Friday off. My DH has done the same except he takes Wednesday. We felt guilty about our youngest being in full time nursery but part time wasn’t possible until recently.

The juggle is hard. Of the two of us, I have the bigger job, earn more than double, and have travel commitments and work that bleeds into personal/family time, whereas DH has a flexible 9-5, mostly wfh. The only way it works is DH picking up the slack. He’s the default for pick up and drop off. We have a cleaner and we use after school club. I usually do some work after kids bedtime. Household and mental load is shared. We accept that we are not perfect! I sometimes have a coffee date before school with my eldest and the day off with my youngest helps too. Bedtime is special time, and during the night the kids get in our bed often and as much as I want peace and quiet, I feel the opportunity for closeness is important.

The hardest part is getting time for myself!

“Perfect balance” doesn't really exist. Some weeks, work might demand more; other weeks, you can give more to the kids.