Not sure why I’m posting this really, other than to offload and see if anyone else has been in a similar situation or has any advice?
I’m struggling with work - not massively, but low motivation, enjoy some elements but I don’t feel driven by it. Some days I’m productive and busy and some days I struggle to do much.
I’ve always worked hard and been motivated, and had demanding roles. I then had a couple of significant bereavements close together, followed by some significant family conflict, and now we’re going through infertility. I felt burnt out in my last job, which I loved but was incredibly demanding and also a long commute, but at the end of that role I started to feel dread about going to work which was new to me, so thought a change was a good idea. However I just feel like it hasn’t got better - this is less demanding so if I’m having a bad day it doesn’t matter so much - I can get done what I need to, but then I feel guilty for not being as productive as possible.
I think part of it comes from infertility and feeling like work isn’t what I should be focusing on right now, it should be a family (and yes that will be incredibly hard work and challenging - but it’s more about role and purpose I think?).
I never feel bad enough [save for some time off around the bereavements and the odd day after early pregnancy losses] to be off work, whilst I reckon a few months off would help - I can’t afford to take unpaid leave and I’m not at the point of needing sick leave.
I’ve got a lovely manager but I don’t think they really get it - I haven’t shared the infertility stuff with work but have said I’ve got some difficult personal things going on, but it feels a bit in one ear out the other.
I try some strategies to help - like lists and planning out my days, making sure I’ve got days out of the house (I’m wfh a lot - and feel less energetic at home) either in the office or on visits which helps a bit.
I don’t think I’m depressed, whilst things are difficult outside of work I don’t feel this dread/lack of energy on the weekends or even in the evenings, it feels work focused.
but finally, I don’t feel I can or should change jobs, because I don’t feel like it’s the actual job that’s the issue? The actual job is interesting, I think I do enjoy it, I think I’m just burned out and distracted by grief etc. And I think it would be a mistake to make a decision on it now? Plus, typically if we do have a baby (🤞🏻) I need the mat leave unless it’s a role in same organisation. I honestly feel having a baby will move things forward but who knows whether that will happen, we’re just starting fertility treatment. I’m conscious that is also another stressor, and starting medication this month which may have side effects that affect energy levels etc too.
That’s a total essay and it’s helped typing it out! But open to any wisdom. Please be kind though - this all makes me feel so guilty and rubbish about myself already!