Dilemma

[PamT]

Just before Christmas DH really hated his job and craved to go self employed as a plumber, for which he is experienced but not formally trained. I found a job advertised, similar to one that I used to do and enjoy but with my local authority, so I applied but heard nothing. Yesterday, DH started a new job (which he isn't sure about) and I got a phone call asking if I was still interested in the post despite the delay as I was being shortlisted for an interview.

Both of us working full time isn't an option as we would lose all our WFTC and have to pay childcare for 3 children so I'd be working for nothing. But if I worked full time and DH did some training whilst doing plumbing around school hours we could be significantly better off in the long run and dh would be doing something that he wanted to do.

The trouble is, I think that I would probably resent dh being at home with DD who doesn't start full time school for another year yet. I don't want her to be shipped off to various childcarers because she is 'my baby' and I don't trust everyone to take her milk intolerance seriously. I think I would also be resentful that I was working full time whilst he was doing very little - if weekends and holidays are anything to go by he will be laid out on the settee watching crappy cable channels all day long, but maybe this is selfish because I have had 6 years of doing not a lot at home.

I think I will probably go for the interview and make a decision if and when I am offered the job (not a foregone conclusion as competition is always stiff for local authority jobs). In reality, I know that the only way for us to progress is for me to work full time whilst dh builds up a business but it would break my heart to do so at the moment. Why does it have to happen now and not in 12 months time? I also think that if I have to work full time, then this job is probably most like the one I want, it is work that I like doing, with the security of working for the local authority and further contributions towards my existing pension and I probably won't get the opportunity again.

Can anyone help me to get my head around this? I suppose it all comes down to my possessiveness over dd and my home and I don't want other people taking over from me.

PS. DS1 went to nursery whilst we both worked full time and I hated it and craved time to spend with him.

Pam I think I would definitely go for the interview and keep your options open. Would it be possible to request a job share or anything like that which might work well because your DH could go to college/work on the days when you were at home and you could split your childcare. If you wanted your DH could probably do some plumbing work at the weekend which would cut into your family time but reduce the need for outside childcare. I would think a local authority would be reasonable on following the new legislation regarding flexibility of hours.

My thoughts are that I could probably apply for job share once DH was qualified and earning a reasonable sum. We certainly need at least one full time wage to pay our mortgage and bills and couldn't risk me starting off as part time. The salary for the advertised job is £6k less than dh currently earns anyway. Are you Local Authority Bozza? we could end up working in the same building!

No PamT I'm not - the bit about local authority was just something I'd learned from elsewhere. Sorry not much help. Could you do full time and your DH just do college in the week and maybe evenings for a year which would be heading towards qualification. How long does it take BTW? Or could your DH ask to have his current hours reduced and do the college alongside his current job as a friend of ours is doing?

He doesn't actually 'need' to get any qualifications but to get a CORGI registration would bring lots of opportunities and from what I can see wouldn't need a great deal of college attendance. I don't think he would want to do a full time college course so maybe one day a week or evenings would be ok and I could bear for dd to go to some type of childcare one day a week. I suppose really it all comes down to the fact that I don't know if I can trust him to get on with things and actually work if he gives his job up but I don't think I have any right to be like this when I have been lazy for the last 6 years. If I'm totally honest, my reasons for not wanting to work whilst he is a SAHP are just selfish!

PamT - there is no way you have been 'lazy' for the last three years if you are bringing up three children!

This is not at all a helpful suggestion - but the country is desperate for good plumbers so keep him working!! Actually - would he be willing to work weekends - plumbers are always needed, and if you are anywhere in Suffolk please let me know - have had no less than five different plumbers out & none can sort out our problem - we just want hot (rather than tepid!) water!

Sorry if this sounds flippant, good luck with your dilema!

Yeah PamT I think if he could get Corgi registered and be a plumber that would be a brilliant asset to the family. If we didn't have this friend in the same position (as in becoming a plumber) I'd get in touch because you are fairly local to me and I need a shower installing. I think it sounds like you need to sort it out in your own mind what you want to do. It sounds like you're having a bit of a trouble with the idea of letting go of being in charge. No criticism intended as (despite working 3 days a week) I am exactly the same. It can be really hard to step back and let DH get on with it.

Ah yes, after being with dh (& me) fulltime over Xmas ds has fallen in love with his daddy bigtime and thinks he's so wonderful that the other night he didn't want me and kept crying, 'Dada, dada' I was a bit hurt, I have to say. DH would secretly like me to go back to earning a big salary fulltime, I suspect, but I admit I'd hate losing my special mummy status, even though I know it's silly to feel like this and fulltime working mums are just as loved. Anyway, I love working at home and wish I'd done it before ds came along!

Bozza, you've hit the nail on the head there. It is more about me not wanting to give up being in charge of my own kitchen and having DD to myself then anything else. To be honest, there are times in the last few months when I have actually craved time away from the family and would have willingly gone to work, so I probably am ready for a job even if I don't want to take that step. DH has only been in his new job a couple of days and the hours aren't really suiting us, though they might change when he finally gets his own jobs to do rather than working with others. Me having a job is becoming more and more appealing when I look at the long term benefits of dh doing what he wants to do in the hours that suit the family and who knows, in a year's time we might actually be able to afford a decent sized house to live in.

PamT buy yourself some time to think about it by going for the interview etc. If nothing else - its good practice.

PamT, my dh gave up work three months ago to be a SAHD. Initially I really didn't think he would cope, be bored and certainly not manage in the housework department.

Apart from the housework, he's surprised even himself. Yes it is hard letting go of the reigns, especially if you feel you're the only one that's been holding the family together all these years. But remember, your children have two parents, he has just as much right to share in your children's early formative years. Are you going to deprive your daughter of a role model of a nurturing man? So few girls ever see their fathers take on those sorts of responsibilities, so it perpetuates the cycle of man as breadwinner, woman as carer. What about your son? Won't it bee good for him to learn early on in life that women are capable of having careers as well as children?

I admit it is difficult to come home from a hard day at work and see them playing silly games on the floor, but as dh pointed out yesterday, the minute she hears my key in the lock, she runs for the door. (well waddles, we've only just learnt to walk) It's been wonderful to see the growing relationship between the two of them, and to watch dh's growing appreciation of just how much hard work it can be. (So much so that he's gone back to work one day a week just to get a break.)

At least you can be sure her milk intolerance will be taken seriously.

DH comes home from work to see me looking harrassed and the house a tip now, so it would be a pleasant change for me to be the one the kids want to see in the evening. I think he will have a shock coming to him when he realises that he can't just do his own thing all day long.

As Bozza says, I need to go for the interview - it'll be good experience even if I don't get the job. I can then decide what to do and dh will have had chance to see if he really likes his new job or not.

By the way, what do women wear for job interviews these days? My wardrobe consists of jeans and fleeces with a couple of old skirts from my office days. The job is a low level clerical post with the local authority. Should I buy a suit (as an investment), are trousers acceptable? or just a skirt and blouse?

Good luck with the interview, I wouldn't go to the expense of a suit unless you really need one, a smart skirt & blouse is fine; smart trousers should be OK but you might get a real fuddy duddy interviewer so IMO wear a skirt.