My boss is making me unwell. Help me get through today.

[AreolaGrande]

It's my first day back after 3 days of AL and I have massive anxiety fearing that she will start sniping at me when I walk through the door.

I have worked at the business since 2018 in a few roles. Am currently assistant manager and will be taking over her role as manager when she retires next year.

She's ok some of the time but is incredibly volatile/moody and has always had form for losing her temper with staff. There is a lot of walking on eggshells around her. She picks on people for the tiniest of perceived errors/oversights. Some days are spent hiding behind my monitor hoping she will just leave me alone.

She never apologises after these outbursts, will just make some vague comment about how she's feeling better the next day. Sometimes she blames things at home which I dont accept as justification for her behaviour tbh. We all have stuff happening and don't bring it to work.

I dont feel like I can raise this in my appraisal as 1. it's with her as my line manager and 2. I have to get through the next year with this woman and don't want bad blood or drama.

I know that the rest of the staff prefer working with me and I try to cling to the thought that she won't be there forever but it's hard.

Her behaviour has taken me right back to the toxic/emotionally abusive household I grew up in and it's really impacting on my wellbeing. My resting heart rate sat at my desk last week was 112!

Any advice welcome. I am an overthinker and quite an anxious person anyway so sometimes when I've felt like this before, she's been absolutely fine when I've gone in. Let's hope today is the same 🙏

She sounds foul. Thank God there’s an end in sight to all this for you, OP. But I know what an eternity a year can feel like when you’re starting every day with a knot in your stomach. Hopefully someone with postgraduate interpersonal skills will be along shortly to give you some practical advice, but sending solidarity in the meantime.

God that’s horrible. Poor you. At least there’s an end point. I’d make a calendar of the days.

Id also get a health check, what’s your blood pressure?

Is there a chance to move teams, or jobs? Just because she’s supposed to be leaving doesn’t mean you have to endure it.

Is there any kind of employee wellbeing programme? A training course you could sign up for? Anything to spend more time away from her tbh. I got a half time secondment into something else so I could have less time with my boss, who is nothing like as bad as yours, just a bit annoying as bosses can be.

do you count to ten under your breath?

I worked with somebody like that. Its hard to describe but it made me so miserable. I did get close to leaving. It sounds like you know it won't go on forever which is good news. Think of ways to protect yourself, a bit of avoidance but these people who don't realise the impact they have are difficult to deal with as they never see your perspective (and probably would turn themselves into the victim some how!). Maybe once in a while you could try the "did you mean to be so rude" and see how that lands. You'd like to get a "no I wasn't being rude".

When I was really feeling tormented at work I got a vase for my desk and I bought myself a bunch of flowers every week, would get a nice coffee from a place where they were nice to me, etc. Any chance of getting more work from home time? Unfortunately it’s all symptomatic relief unless you’re willing to discuss the behaviours with her head on, and I know how much easier said that is than done. At one firm I worked for they had a room designated for praying/ breastfeeding/ having a cry and you could get the key and go and shut yourself in. I think that sofa is still soggy from my tears.

She sounds hard work, but it is work. She's picking up on (what you see as minor) errors in an overblown way. Arguably, errors or oversights need dealing with by the manager and need to stop. Of course people messing up prefer dealing with those who let things slide! Unless she's someone threatening your position or harming you personally, I don't think you can hint at it being like an abusive household.

Her behaviour has taken me right back to the toxic/emotionally abusive household I grew up in and it's really impacting on my wellbeing. My resting heart rate sat at my desk last week was 112!

To be honest this is the bit I would deal with - her behaviour is her issue but your reaction is yours. You’re not in that household any more, but you’re reacting like you are and that’s something you can change through therapy and work on yourself. Once you address that, you’ll be better equipped to deal with her, and other people like her.

In the meantime keep reminding yourself that she isn’t those people, and you’re not a child - the ways you coped then won’t serve you well as an adult. Have different ways to ground yourself in the here and now - different sensory things, so flowers, scented hand cream, strong tasting drinks etc to bring yourself back into your body.

Don’t get caught up in what she is or isn’t doing, let it wash over you and remind yourself a) it’s a job you presumably like and b) she’ll be gone soon. Dwelling on things will make them feel bigger and you’ll drive yourself mad.

I think @Jellycatspyjamas raises good points to be considered.

I loathe my job and will likely resign thus afternoon because unlike you there's no end in sight from my sniping boss.
And I also grew up in a dysfunctional household on eggshells and I know that it's affecting me badly in this role.

I'm on a referral list for counselling but I can't go on in this environment - even if its my own rection that's causing it, I'm broken.

There’s real strength in knowing when to step back - it’ll be difficult to have head space to deal with your own stuff when you’re living with daily sniping at work, there’s absolutely no shame in taking yourself out of it.

Hey OP, hope you’re surviving the week.