Huggy Kissy Report at Work

[CuriousKiteFlyer]

A bit perplexed by a new (male) employee who gives me a big hug and kind of air kiss every single time I see him. If I pass him in the street while on a lunch break with other colleagues he does it and if I am near his desk he will get up come over and do it. I'm a hugger by nature so don't mind having my space invaded under normal circumstance but I'm his manager and there are many other people on the same team that I manage who are witnessing this, none of them whom I hug. I think it must look odd to them and I also wonder if he is doing this to every female he works with which could cause discomfort for others.

He is new to the country and from a different (warmer) culture and is friendly and quite flamboyant so maybe the rest of the team can see it's just his style and I don't favour him. I could talk to him about it but he seems harmless and nice enough, not creepy just a bit clueless. I don't really want to upset him especially as I do hug my peers sometimes when they visit just not my reports but do want to do my duty as a manager. For context I'm a fair bit older than him I don't think he's interested in me romantically I think this is his signature greeting and he wants his manager to think he's a lovely guy. He's also said a few things that show he isn't a very subtle personality. Maybe he thinks he's giving me a thrill

Is it worth tackling the subject of hugging in the workplace with him or should I just focus on bigger issues. If I make a big deal of it then he sees me hugging a peer he will be very confused!

Thank you!

How did this even begin OP? I have a very close knit team, but the only time hugs have featured have been when I’ve been disappearing off on maternity leave/returned to work/KIT days. It of course depends on your line of work/company culture to a degree but personally I’d be nipping it in the bud.

As a manager you need to take some assertiveness training to deal with things like this. You shouldn’t be afraid of upsetting him by drawing boundaries.

Just tell him that you don’t want to hug anymore. It’s that simple. If you want him to tone it down with other people then ask him to tone it down. Again, it really is that simple. Make sure you ask clearly, don’t leave any room for him to misinterpret what you have said.

If he ignores you and carries on then you can have a think how best to address it but you need to ask him to stop first.

I'm not sure I've been wondering that myself, it's possible it might have been from the first meeting when he arrived at the office but I think I would have noticed. If it wasn't that time then it would have been from the second time I saw him and ever since then, it's been a few weeks now. I find it a bit bizarre but he's quite theatrical and from a latin culture so I think it's just his MO.

The work culture I am in is not corporate, it's mostly younger artists so more casual in general. I don't mind the hugs personally but I think they have been unusually instant and frequent . Usually hugs in my work environment only happen after knowing team members for a long time and with sensitivity to respect the boundaries of non-huggers. This is why it's a bit confusing our work culture is somewhat tolerant of hugging but it's used sparingly and usually between peers. I am 100% able to tackle this assertively head on if I feel it's important to do so I'm just not certain whether it's the right thing to do in this case.

ps. I'm trying to build a rapport with the team at the moment as they are under a huge amount of pressure and there have been some recent very unpopular decisions made by upper management so am also keeping this in mind as morale is low.

I also wonder if he is doing this to every female he works with which could cause discomfort for others.

If he is, then that could feel like sexual harassment to some whether he means it that way or not?

Yes I agree this is actually the most important aspect. I think I will speak with him about the fact that his actions could cause discomfort and be misinterpreted. Maybe I will advise him not to instigate hugs with women in particular so he has a clear boundary. I don't think he's hugging the guys.

Is your team environment relaxed enough that you can easily ask his female co-workers if he's hugging them all the time?

If yes - are they bothered, do all the women get equal hugs, has anyone else commented?

If no - make him stop it immediately. Sucking-up hugs are bad for morale.

It's hard to say as he only joined recently but if he is happy to cuddle his manager every time he sees her it seems likely he might do the same to others.
I could let him know that although some people do hug at work he has to be very sure that the hug is welcome and if in doubt don't hug. It's a bit hard to be black and white because hugging does happen at the company I work for it's not that unusual, but in his case he is jumping the gun without doing his due diligence.

Maybe I will look up the code of conduct so I can show him the info on harassment so he understands that he has to be careful.

In my psychotherapy training we contracted for hugs! So some people were huggers and talked in advance about it being ok to hug each other. I am emphatically not a hugger so was not given a morning hug. Worked well! Hugs for those who wanted them only.

Your job as a manager is to support the ‘unpopular decisions’ - by all means have a discussion about what they mean for the team, hear their concerns, and build morale by involving them in agreeing how to move forward like adults.

I’m like you, I have a caring ‘mother hen’ (or more accurately lioness!) management style where I want to protect the team and show that I care/have got their backs.

But ultimately you can’t hug them out of low morale.

On his specific behaviour, I’d definitely nip it in the bud if others are starting to see favouritism.

The real awkwardness seems to be because you’ve left it a bit late to say what needs to be said. Just tell him he’s very sweet and you should have mentioned this before, you’re sorry that you didn’t but hugs and air kisses in the workplace are saved for special occasions, like when someone is going off on maternity leave. Say firmly but cheerfully and don’t drag it out. You never know he might find it reassuring if he’s been wondering why no one has been hugging and kissing him 😀

Thank you to everyone who replied I have dealt with this now.