Been told I'm toxic

[GhostStress]

I am broken. I've been off with stress as had a very heavy workload over many months. I say off but it was two days. Had the first regular meeting with my boss yesterday since returning who said he had feedback from my peers that I complain about my workload and am bordering on toxic.

I admit I have vented about the long hours I have been working to one colleague but just don't understand being toxic. I thought I was mostly a kind and supportive colleague and have never had feedback like this in my 40 years of working.

I thought any decent human being would want to support you after you have been struggling. Not to add to it and cause you more upset. Trying to figure out what to do next. I guess it's the start of being pushed out.

By toxic does he mean very negative? Because that would make a toxic working environment but wouldn't mean your colleagues are saying that you are toxic. Sorry you're having a tough time 😢

I think you’d need to know more about what was actually said.

Someone who is persistently negative, venting etc at work about work can create a really toxic and negative work environment, maybe that is what your colleague meant?

This was what I was thinking. I would find it difficult eventually if a close colleague was venting or being negative a lot, it could easily affect others moral. It doesn't mean you are aware of it and certainly not that you're intentionally doing anything wrong but just that's the ripple effect.

I would maybe ask for some examples to give you a clearer sense of the feedback you're getting and to help you identify the behaviours that are creating issues for others. At the end of the day, none of this is a major thing, it's easy fixed once you are aware of it which you are now. Try not to beat yourself up over it, and just be a bit more mindful going forward about how and when you're venting.

The colleague who I believe has fed back is always venting back to me and I try and be supportive and listen to their frustrations. I will just keep it very narrowed down to tasks at hand in future.

Ironically the feedback two months ago was I was always too positive about everything.

I just don't know how I can face going back.

I don't understand what the word means as OP's boss used it.
Toxic = always moaning and undermining morale?
Toxic = nasty to everyone?
What did the boss mean?

He said toxic and negative so I'm taking it as being mean/horrid to other people. Which is why I'm utterly deverstated and confused. Been reading about toxic behaviour in the workplace over the past day and I just can't place my behaviour in the definitions except the negativity on work hours.

I think I’d go back and have a further discussion with your boss. Ask for examples and how you can improve the perception that you’re toxic.

As a manager they shouldn’t be making a sweeping statements, such as the one you had, without clear examples and clear path of what they expect of you going forwards. Also make sure you make notes and follow up on an email the points discussed, actions that are required, how your manager will support you and timelines as to when they expect to see an improvement plus regular catch ups. Make sure you note down what actions you will take and what your manager has too. If you think they are trying to manage you out of the company you need to protect yourself

So toxic = moaning & undermining morale?

I guess the person you vented to can't really be your confidante again, then. I'd turn super artificial with them and maybe with everyone, purely professional, minimal comms and only when very necessary.

I'm not keen on people moaning in general and not at work especially, if I'm honest. Toxic is an unpleasant word but if the listener is clumsy about setting boundaries that they need to manage ok at work, maybe it was the best word they could think of. Maybe they are just hanging in there themselves, in how the cope with life, and listening to you moan was a last straw for their morale.

I had 2 officemates who would launch into angry comments about the world & people they didn't like and eventually I had to ask them to take their venting elsewhere. Their venting was too distracting and didn't help me get my job done at all.

You can get depressed about this comment or just reappraise that work isn't somewhere you can be honest about your feelings. It's just a job. Treat it like that.

I wonder if the manager is pissed off with you being off with stress and he's being a bit vengeful towards you telling you this ?
He may of completely 're worded' what has been said to him , i wouldn't trust my colleague in future but neither would i trust him.

I agree with this. I'd also suggest that you take an impartial 3rd party in with you, to take notes of what is said to you on this.

This needs further discussion with your manager. The term toxic isn't professional. They need to give details of what they mean by this and provide suggested adaptations. Even if a person is "toxic", there can be helpful discussions about it to help a person adapt.

A normal reaction would be to offer you support and look at reducing your workload.

I would be asking him exactly what he means and taking notes.

Thank you all for your comments and pointers. I certainly will just be shutting down to being just to professional bare minimum communication. Also scaling back my 60 hour weeks and letting things slide as they don't want to give me more resources either. Will be a novelty spending time with my family all weekend.

Will be drafting an email tomorrow to get more specifics on where my behaviour is falling short/can be improved and how they are going to resource the extra 22 hours a week that is not going to be done (by a toxic and weary employee).

Someone who is persistently negative with minimal or invalid complaints can create a toxic environment. If someone is validly complaining because their environment is toxic is not the one creating the toxic environment. That’s on the employer.

Op, are you in the public sector? This sounds so much like what I am going through.

Your boss sounds like a twat

This. I can’t believe that anyone would think it appropriate when someone has been off with stress is to hit them on their return with negative peer feedback. Fuck me.

I would ask for examples. I can understand it being toxic if you have been going in talking negatively all the time. I had a colleague who brought in her personal life issues into work so we all had to hear it all the time. It really affects moral. If it’s not anything like this then you need specifics, or let it go and stay out of everything and do not over share.

Ask for examples. You’ll know they’re talking shit when you don’t get any.

Are you a whiner? Be honest. I suspect not - last feedback said you are too positive. Hmm.

Is there any reason they might want you out?

Its very unprofessional of your manager to use the term toxic. I would email him/her saying you were very surprised to get this feedback and asking for specific examples of when you have been toxic.

Can you ask him for examples of the “toxic” behaviour? It can mean so many things. It’s really poor managing for him to use such an emotive word and not give you any specific examples of the behaviour in question.

Looks like someone's got it in for you, jealous/envious maybe 🤔
Don't let their insecurities impact your hard work.
Your manager could've handled it better and not labelled you as toxic (not very professional).
You heard the saying you know your doing well when you start getting haters....so you do you and let the rest gloat ❤️

I can complain sometimes especially if things are getting on top if me. Just to vent. This is not daily just on weekly meetings between me and colleague. Which he does equally and I might add. I'm wondering if they might want to rehire as i've sorted a load of s*it over the past 18 months and I was just saying today final issue had finally been resolved. Need to update my CV....

@GhostStress can I suggest you don’t word it as you suggested, which is almost admitting what they say about you? Whereas you are saying to us that you don’t feel you are toxic but are overworked and stressed. Don’t give them the ammunition. Please ask them to clarify. Also, check your work policies - why is your manager listening to this one person - especially if you are right and they are toxic themselves. It all sounds very wrong to me.

All sounds very dubious to me. Do you have a HR department? If so include them in your email. Make notes of all comments - including the previous ones about being too positive. Also if you do have the option to join a union do it. Make it clear that you are protecting your position. If they want you out then they should financially compensate you for it. I would also ask your colleague about it - just to check what he’s actually said as the boss could be lying.