Feeling like a mug at work

[Delphinous78]

I have a manager title but in the sector that only indicates that you aren't a new graduate. I am nice likely too nice and joined a team almost three years ago where my then wonderful line manager would complain about how quiet and unfriendly the other team members were. To get around this I would make conversation, sometimes no-one else would join in on the weekly social chats we are encouraged to attend. They would sit on Teams muted. Even years later they are standoffish and rude to me. I don’t expect to be friends but they make rude jabs when I speak about my children but won't offer any other conversation. A colleague I assisted when she was put on a performance improvement plan was making rude jokes at my expense.

I feel awkward with the silence and so I tried to fill it it but I feel it has backfired on me. It doesn't help that another colleague believes they should have a manager role so keeps pointing out any and every mistake she finds across the team.

It is not a great team and someone has just left after three weeks but I think this is a common fault with me. Even when I started the role they were so unbelievably rude to me and having just come back from maternity leave to a new team I didn't really know what to do. I struggle with anxiety and depression and work is starting to show up in my nightmares. I'm also not assertive in any part of my life. I get very sweaty and my heart starts to beat very quickly if I have to speak publicly or challenge anything so I go to humour to feel a bit more comfortable. But I'm tired of feeling like a mug. I'm in my early 30s and I feel 12. Are there any books, resources etc that anyone could recommend?

A new job? Sorry no books, but why are you still there, if you’re having nightmares it seems like you’ve crossed a point on no return.

Unfortunately, the job market is terrible and I don't have a huge amount of useful skills. The job is flexible and close to home so I was hoping to stay until all my children were at school. I do feel like this issue might be a longer running problem though.

Why do you say you have no useful skills? I bet that isn’t true.

Sorry no advice drawn from experience. I used the method of exposing myself to the kind of uncomfortable situations you mentioned as a way to get over the nerves. Or at least for public speaking, but that isn’t for everyone!

The team sounds horrendous.
I would think about looking for a new job or a new role with same employer.
It's not you it's them so don't feel you have to make conversation, just be strictly professional and stop trying to make friends, it's shit but they aren't worth the energy. Do your job, go home, and look for something else.
Perhaps it's worth thinking of some assertive responses to have ready to say if someone is rude.
I've worked in some fantastic teams and also some awful ones a bit like what you describe, I'm the same person, it's just sometimes you are blessed with wonderful colleagues and other times it's really toxic. If it's making you anxious and depressed then it's definitely time to move on.
I would also keep a diary /evidence of any rude/bullying /unreasonable behaviour in case you need it and a record or your workload/achievements too.
Really your manager should not be allowing this kind of behaviour.
There are some really good podcasts on difficult conversations and building confidence, but I can't remember the one that was recommended to me-sorry! Hopefully someone will along to recommend something soon.
It maybe worth talking to GP for help with anxiety.
Teams like this destroy self esteem and confidence so you are better off leaving if you can.

I don't offer any conversations about children unless I know others are comfortable with talking about it. I don't when one colleague is on a call as they had a child die very young.

In the last century you could start a conversation about 'did you see' (a tv programme), you need a 21st century equivalent.

Is there anyone there at all who you're friendly with as an ally? Even in another team? It would be good to confide in someone as it's awful to feel everyone is against you.

It feels unfortunate that your team are so rude. I mean the one that's jealous is an obvious one to be wary of. But the others could be very introvert and simply not interested in making friends?

I don't see why they would have a vendetta against you for no reason.

I don't know really but I'd say ignore them as people and just think of your interactions with them on a very clinical professional level only.

How many are in the team? is it 10-12 of them? Can you split them up maybe and try a different approach? It is not you as your previous team manager had issues with them.

Maybe leave your children off the conversation list for now as it may come across a bit forced as trying to get them to like you. But definitely do not put up with rudeness from them - get that sorted right away.

Can you ask other managers at your office for advice?

Sorry to hear you’re having such a horrible time with your colleagues. As others have said, it’s definitely worth keeping an eye out for another role. I sympathise with you re finding another job, I felt trapped for a long time in a miserable job that drained my confidence - but something suitable came up eventually and I was able to escape. I work with a much nicer team now. In the meantime, I would stop making the effort with them. Be professional but don’t try and fill the silences. It’ll feel awkward and uncomfortable - but they don’t seem to worry about making you feel that way, so why should you worry how they feel.
It may also switch the dynamic- they may sense that you’re trying hard to make conversation etc which may make them feel empowered to be stand offish/sullen/rude. Cutting back on the effort, best case scenario they feel awkward and uncomfortable enough to try and make some conversation, worst case scenario nothing changes but you hopefully feel less mugged off.

Thank you all. I've had a horrid day. I do think I've added to the problem, as I try too hard to be likable (it's a life long problem) but I've never worked any where quite like this. We also have comments from other departments about how 'quiet' our team is. The head of the team has children and she gets a few comments but not too many as they wouldn't risk upsetting the person in charge. But she's not the easiest manager and we've had two people quit who've quit and said they were leaving due to her. This manager also has done things like give me work that's usually reserved for more junior team members, so I think her attitude towards me also isn't helping.

The other manager in the team also has children and talks about her children, she has now become a really good friend but she's also looking to leave and has a much stronger work history than mine and will be snapped up. I’m not sure what I'll do for support when she goes. It's a team of six.

I've started on an antidepressant so hopefully that will help things too.

OP, read up on people pleasing and try to wean yourself off the habit. Decide it doesn't matter what they think or how they react. What matters is that you are true to your own standards. If you decide to carry on being warm and open because that is how you choose to present in life, keep going, but don't give a moment's thought to their reactions. Bitchy and bullying people can spot whether you care or not how they react to you and if you genuinely stop caring they will waste less effort trying to make you feel uncomfortable because they won't be getting the satisfaction of seeing you sad.

Once the medication has kicked in, maybe you will be in a better space mentally to evaluate your skills and be able to look for another job locally. It can't be the only job going and I am sure you have far more skill and experience than you give yourself credit for - that self-doubt is the depression speaking.