How to deal with colleague being bossy/ condescending?

[StillLearning2025]

Hello I've been on Mumsnet for years, regular name changes.

Feel a bit pathetic but looking for advice on how to deal with colleagues, in particular a certain colleague.

Work in health care in the NHS, early 50s, have been qualified over 30 years but moved to a different department over a year ago.
Have a lot of experience in other areas.
This department has a bit of a different 'culture ' with a lot of 'egos'.

This colleague is very recently qualified and started working in our area less than a year.
Have only worked closely with her several times, I find her condescending, trying to boss me around and trying to micro manage me! She is not superior to me although she has already applied for a promotion which I was shocked at when I heard due to her lack of experience. She is also half my age.

Had a bad experience with her this week, found myself being defensive, answering back but not actually speaking to her about her behaviour. She was telling me to do things, no please or thank you, questioning everything I was doing. I ended up helping her but wish I had pulled her up instead.
I've never been good with confrontation, end up backing down and not saying anything until really pushed and just don't always deal with things properly.

I've always had issues with self esteem, lack of self confidence, anxiety but has been worse recently due to being peri menopausal and starting a new job.
Also had a lot of personal stressful issues with different family members too which has caused a lot of upset and anxiety.

I'm not sure when I'll be working with her again but want to speak to her at some point about the way she was speaking to me. I should have said something yesterday but didn't and was busy with other things. Looking for advice on best way to do this please. Don't want to go manager yet but would do if have to.

Thank you for reading.

You say to her that you're quite aware of your responsibilities and can she please focus on her own stuff. You realise that she's trying to be helpful, but you will ask if the help is wanted or needed, and you hope she'll do the same.

That's fair.

I don't think there's any point in bringing it up unless or until she does it again when you're working together, though. Then be civil but firm, and say something along the lines of what @Ahsheeit suggests and move on.

And don't do the classic people-pleaser thing where you don't address it while inwardly suppressing your resentment until it boils over and you totally overreact and look thoroughly unprofessional -- it sounds as if you're already doing a version of this by being defensive and 'answering back'.

It does also suggest that the lack of confidence, self-esteem issues, anxiety and stress may be obvious to colleagues. I mean, she may genuinely think you need her help if you appear stressed and anxious. I'd work on that, too.

Could you say something like, "There's no need to tell me what to do; I've been doing this job for thirty years"?

Thank you for your replies.

@Ahsheeit that sounds a good and diplomatic response.

@QueenoftheTambourine you've hit the nail on the head. I've always been a people pleaser and worried about offending/ upsetting people. Which I learned from my mother and trying to change my mindset.

Do you think I should leave it till it happens again then? I've had issues with a other colleagues in the past where I would say I've actually been bullied.
I want to nip this in the bud before it becomes a long term problem.
I actually spoke to a colleague in a previous job when they very rude to me in front of other colleagues and although they denied it at the time, we resolved it and we ended up working fine together.
As you say I think I must show a lack of confidence and that makes me an easy target for certain types.

I've thought maybe CBT therapy might help but don't know much about it.

@MounjaroMounjaro the issue is I've not been working in this department for long, she started after me. I have a lot of experience in other areas but this department is quite specialised.
I enjoy a lot of aspects of it and don't really want to move at present but there's is a lot of learning too.
My anxiety and self confidence have definitely been affected the last few years, I didn't click that it could be peri menopausal related. On HRT now.

You are right though, I have over 30 years experience and knowledge of other areas that she obviously doesn't have.

Sorry, I'm being a bit vague but just in case any other colleagues are on Mumsnet!

The problem is sometimes I will have to work very closely with her which is what happened this week, we have to share responsibilities.
She was basically acting like she was my senior when she absolutely is not.

I was actually trying to speak to someone who is senior about it at the time, but couldn't pin them down to have a private word. Just to see what their response was and gauge if anyone else has said anything about her.

What’s the banding situation here? Are you different or same bands? Are you in each other’s line management structures at all?

I'm quite highly banded so rarely encounter this to myself but I often witness young junior members of the team get a little bit of confidence and take it way too far and I will try and call people out on it as a senior as anything less is enabling it to continue.

If it happens again - firm, polite and breezy but shut it down. People only walk all over you if you let them and you are experienced and know what you’re doing.

I'd not involve anyone else at this point. They'll either do nothing at all or it'll become a huge runaway train of pointless non-managing HR nonsense (can you tell i also work in healthcare..)

i would condescend back 'thank you love, not my first rodeo, i've got this, let me know if i can help you with anything' and sashay on.

Yes, if it happens again, just be direct and firm -- no confrontation needed. Nor any particular diplomacy, I'd have said. Easier to make your point on the spot, rather than say, out of the blue 'I've noticed to that you seem to be trying to micromanage me, Mary', to which Mary says 'No, I'm not' and no one gets anywhere.

Lots of learn to people-please from our mothers, but we have to eradicate those tendencies in ourselves in adulthood. They don't make us 'too nice', they're a mechanism whereby we save ourselves from the uncomfortable feelings of saying no/telling someone they're wrong/asserting ourselves when it's likely that won't be appreciated. The thing is that people-pleasing doesn't work. This colleague doesn't respect you, and you feel angry and uncomfortable anyway when you allow her behaviour to go unchallenged. So prioritise your own feelings here.

CBT isn't any kind of miracle cure, but it might help you to be aware of the distortions in your own thinking, or to role-play potentially difficult encounters to help you overcome your fear of them.

Thank you again everyone for replying. It's very helpful and insightful.

I've always tried to do my job/ role as best as I can, always to a high standard.
@QueenoftheTambourine you are right about the 'answering back', she has a very snappy/ bossy manner which I ended up replying to like a sullen teenager. I do bottle it in as well, going over everything in my head.

@ssssskssskchee we are the same band, the most 'junior ' one for our job roles. I'd heard that she's applied for a higher banding which I hadn't even considered yet. I admit I'd be surprised and also annoyed if she gets it due to her lack of actual experience and time in the role but its not up to me!

@ssssskssskchee we have the same line manager. I think I get on quite well with my line manager but I'm always professional with them, wouldn't step over any boundaries.
I was thinking of maybe speaking to my line manager about her but I will leave it just now and obviously will be keeping a close eye on the situation.