Should I make a complaint?

[DreamCircle]

I work in a small office with a girl who can be quite moody and rude.
She frequently rolls her eyes, scoffs, and makes judgemental comments. She also plans special lunches and invites others from the office but deliberately excludes me and occasionally one or two others who aren’t in her ‘posse’.
This has been going on for quite some time, and I have been letting it slide for the sake of working in an amicable office. However it is really starting to get to me. She is well liked by her friends at work, and she gets on well with management. She just seems to be very nasty to people who she doesn’t like, she fits the ‘mean girl’ narrative to a tee.
I’m not sure why she doesn’t like me, I keep to myself and focus on my work. I have also never caused any trouble and have bit my tongue on more than one occasion when she has made a mean comment, so it’s not even the fact that I have been rude back to her.

I’m seriously considering making a formal complaint. My DH has suggested that I leave it, because she will just make my life miserable if I report her behaviour. I’m also concerned that management won’t do anything because they are fond of her, and I’m worried about retaliation from her and/or her friends (who I currently have no problems with).
I don’t know what to do, just looking for some advice I guess, if anyone else has ever dealt with this sort of behaviour in an office environment?

What's special about the lunches - are they work-related or is she just going to lunch with her friends from work? Do you plan lunches for everyone to go out together? If she's not a manager taking the workers out, then I don't think it's on her (or anyone else) to include everyone in her lunch plans. Interesting that you don't have a problem with any of her friends, but they're the ones going with her and no one's inviting you along. If it's as pointed as that, then they're all doing it, which is more of a case for bullying/being excluded, if that's what's going on.

I wouldn't formally complain about eye-rolling and scoffs which feel pretty vague. The judgemental comments would have more substance, depending on what they are. You don't give examples, but if it's nasty and rude, then it should be taken seriously if you complain about it. If if it's a legit opinion from her POV then she's allowed to say it and you're allowed to pick her up on it if you take issue, or even to ask if she's rolling her eyes/scoffing at you. You don't have to bite your tongue, but if you're genuinely scared to say something to her and have a case for complaint, then collate a few examples and talk to whoever deals with HR.

For context, some of her recent comments have been -

“Don’t you feel sick eating that much chocolate?” with a look of disgust on her face. This was when I had two small fun size chocolate bars, she watched me walk over to the kitchen and get them and commented when I got back to my desk.

”Omg I would be so depressed if I looked like that!” pointing and laughing at a colleagues photo on their email account profile thing. This colleague was from another office and no one knew her personally, but I felt so upset on her behalf.

”I can’t believe people actually come to work without makeup on, so embarrassing” this was very pointedly aimed at me, I don’t wear makeup to work and she said it loudly to ensure I heard.

And yesterday, I was in the lunch room eating a pie on my break. She was bustling around in the kitchen and threw me a few looks of disgust. This is nothing unusual, but when I got back to my desk 10 mins later, she was chatting to her friends and said loudly “I could NEVER eat a pie at work, I would feel like such a FAT SLOB”. This was the comment that really got to me.

I’ve been putting up with these type of comments for the best part of 2 years, but it’s really starting to affect me and my mental health. She is smart in how she delivers most of her comments, in that it’s not directed at me (or any other victims) the majority of the time. She always says stuff like “I feel” or “I believe”, so that it sounds like it’s just her opinion. But I find it so cruel and unnecessary.

The lunches aren’t work related, it’s just that she takes charge of them and asks the other people if they want to go, and makes a point of not asking me and two others who also sometimes get left out. They then all get up and leave at once and it’s just me just sitting there alone working away 😅 I’m not close with the others who do attend, I’m friendly and civil with them, but I wouldn’t really expect them to invite me along when it’s been organised by her.

I think the pie one is the most tangible example where it's most clearly critical of you, albeit still indirect enough for her to act defensive if accused. If you started a complaint with that and then the make-up one, as two examples of her saying things that you feel are aimed at you in a hurtful way, and then perhaps say it's compounded by being the only one not invited to lunches that she organises for everyone else to go to. Then it feels like it's something that can be tackled whether she's doing it intentionally or not (as she'll surely say she's not), because the point you're making is that you're feeling bullied/excluded and then your management can take steps to include you and 'make her more aware of the impact of her comments' so she at least knows it's been noted and will be more careful in future, even if it means she doesn't say anything much to you.

Part of the solution would probably have to be you being more sociable, because if you'd rather keep things business-like, keep your head down etc., then you can't really complain about not being asked to lunch. As I say, the most obvious thing would be for you to organise some lunches if you want to be included. But these steps would be about expressing your issues with the situation and finding solutions rather than a formal complaint to get her in trouble. You could try the latter but as she's well liked and everything she's done has a level of deniability, I don't know how productive it would be. Most offices have people who don't get along, often in worse ways than snarky remarks about food and make-up, so I'd be inclined to find a low-key way to manage this. But maybe HR boffin will say otherwise. Does your work have a relevant policy?

Personally I wouldn’t organise lunch with someone so blatantly being rude bordering on the bullying. I would not stand for it and I would escalate to her manager. Workplace should be respectful and professional! Sounds like she’s popular because no one wants to get the wrong side of her and be on the receiving end!

I think you need to stand up for yourself in a calm and professional way before you go to management. She's seeing you as a push over. If she makes a similar comment to the pie or makeup example again, I'd just say (in front of other people) "I've just eaten a pie/don't wear make up actually as you know. Does that make me a fat slob?" And keep silent for her response. Then take it from there but being called out on it in front of others will make her squirm to defend herself.

Also,.start a log of the comments and who heard them. Then if things escalate you can evidence its a pattern rather than a one off

Very sensible answer. I on the other hand would be tempted to say "I may be a fat slob but I'm not a nasty twat.

Oh my goodness, I worked with an identical sounding woman about 30 years ago.
Made frequent mean comments about my appearance/ style and hosted dos at her home for every female in the team bar me.
I complained informally to our manager who kind of shrugged but ultimately, I left. Never looked back!

I wouldn't complain but I would turn things around by making an indirect dig at her carefully concealed as a light hearted dig at myself.

"Oh I do love a tasty piece of pie. I'll never have the figure of a stick insect. Lol."

People are allowed to eat lunch with whomever they want. It may not be nice but she doesn’t have to include you and since it isn’t work related it isn’t bullying or anything like that. She may not be nice and she may be clumsy but what exact company policy is she actually breaking? Seriously think through your complaint.

And please don’t just firm to HR and raise a complaint because of some comments. Tell her to stop because almost surely that is what HR will advise. They aren’t the headmaster. You need to be seen to be dealing with the problem first .

I seriously despair at running to HR because you don’t get on with a colleague - yeah you can think you haven’t done anything but she will have a side too.

What a nasty bitch. If you can, just ignore and pity her. Or turn it into a game. After her third dig just smile, say "bingo" and mark a tick down on a piece of paper. Deny it's anything to do with you.

Buy jumbo pies and family-sized bars of chocolate. Talk about the aging / carcinogenic effects of cheap make-up. Go home happy that you are making her even meaner by not letting her affect you.

Be an adult and talk to her. Nothing worse than grown adults expecting their managers to deal with this shite.

This. Assuming your company employs grown ups, you can reasonably be expected to have tried to resolve it yourself.

I work with one of these and it’s awful. She is smart how she does it but I’m sensitive so feel every little stab. It’s like being at school again. No advice, just sympathy as it’s shit! Also some times she’s nice to me and I feel like maybe I’m imagining it but it depends on who is around the office on any given day.

Thank you everyone for the advice. Will take it all on board and consider how best to approach this.

One thing I didn’t mention is that she never does it when our manager is in! He is often in and out of the office, when he is in she wouldn’t dare make any rude remarks.

A couple of you have told me to just talk to her, and to be an adult. I’m not one for confrontation which is why I haven’t taken this approach yet. I have thought about it and I do agree that I am probably coming across as a pushover and she clearly enjoys picking on people who don’t put up a fight.
Again, all things to think about, so thanks for your comments.

@jimbort I’m the same, I can admit that I’m super sensitive at times, and honestly going to the office some days feels like I’m back in high school! I’m sorry you have to deal with this shit too.

"”I can’t believe people actually come to work without makeup on, so embarrassing” this was very pointedly aimed at me, I don’t wear makeup to work and she said it loudly to ensure I heard."

"Yes, it's really sad that some people are so insecure about their appearance they are too embarrassed leave the house without it". Said with a sad face and deep sigh.

Doesn't anyone challenge her on these comments and say they are unacceptable? She sounds like an insecure bully.

Some comebacks for you-

• Have you ever heard the saying "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all/"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt"

• Wow, you are pretty shallow.

• Wow, did you mean to be so rude?

• No-one wants to hear your rude comments. Why don't you shut up and get on with your work?

• Thanks for your thoughts on that, random colleague.