Colleague situation

[Claymoreiron]

I work in a largeish industry office. I get on with most people. This week, only a few of us were in at the end of the day. We started to discuss going out for post work drinks and then at end of day that’s what we did.

today all of us were sent an e mail from another colleague who had been in the office saying she was upset not to be invited as she was the only one who wasn’t. I’m really annoyed by her. If she’d heard us discussing it, why not ask to come along?? She’s suggesting I’m not inclusive I think.

I replied to the e mail to say she got it wrong and it wasn’t deliberate etc. but I’m still irritated and spoke to my manager. He shrugged it off and said it was fair enough if her feelings were hurt. Even if we didn’t intend to hurt her feelings, we did.

What do you think? How would you approach this? Have I done something wrong?

If she was a bit apart from you it would be more friendly to call over 'hey Sarah do you want to come for drinks'. Sometimes it is difficult to judge when to say 'Can I come too' especially if a bit less confident.
But not the end of the world.

So everybody except her was involved in the discussion, and nobody called over to invite her?

I'd be hurt too.

We just forgot she was in tbh.

Is she in invisible?

Poor colleague. Sounds like the manager is on to you so hopefully you'll be pulled up soon.

It's horrible to be left out. I think you need to apologise to her and make sure she's included next time.

Good for her for letting you know. If probs have gone home to cry. You didn’t want to invite her. Own it, saying you forgot she was there or she should have invited herself is not cool.

it might seem small to you, who is part of the group, but it’s not nice to feel you’re an outsider.

open the invite next time. If you don’t want her to come arrange it outside of work. Or let her know last minute and she’ll probably have other plans.

-I wouldn't expect you to have wandered around all floors and parts of the company to see who else was around to come along. Surely you are allowed to have drinks with whatever colleagues/friends you want!
-If she was sitting next to you, or close by, then it could be seen as leaving her out.
-If she was in ear shot of the conversation then no, I wouldn't expect her to come over and invite herself along! That could be seen as rude. If she was that close by though- why didn't you see her?

I would have walked round the floor, seen who was there and invited them along.

You and your nearby colleagues were thoughtless now you're miffed you've been pulled up on it.

That’s horrible and yes you did exclude her whether you meant to or not. You do need to be careful about this kind of thing at work (and in life generally) if you are a decent human being.

At my last company, there were a group of us who all had a birthday in the same month and were chatting about it in the office. Someone who’d been present during that chat and was from the US but just moved to London (and in HR of all roles) sent an email to the entire London team calling out by name all the amazing people born in November by name but leaving two of us (one being me) out. I didn’t “report” her but I certainly mentioned it to her as she should have known much better than that and turned something which could have been a nice gesture into something unpleasant. As did you with your after work drinks in the sun.

I mean I’m sure someone will come along to say blabaa op I’m outraged on your behalf.

but tbh the way your speaking about your coworker is telling.
When your coworker said hey this upset me and your first response was anger …I think your annoyed you got called out on it publicly.

The thing is if purposefully didn’t exclude her (and just “forgot” she was there) you would be apologetic and be like I’m super sorry it was a misunderstanding - not pissy about her mentioning it.

I suspect that you have done this type of thing before and haven’t got called on it. Welcome to what happens when you act like a teen girl in adulthood.

It was thoughtless and you are in the wrong. You apologised, next time be better.

I agree that it doesn't sound like a complete accident that she wasn't invited.

you either deliberately or or accidentally excluded her.

The fact that you’re irritated by her telling you say so much about you and shows that you're a genuinely unkind person. Most people would’ve felt bad about excluding her. You are irritated by that which shows you’re don’t like her.

Ok. Food for thought I guess.

I think you have responded appropriately.

Your manager is right and to be honest I’m really surprised that you actually took this to your manager as something you were irritated by rather than being able to see how your colleague may have felt.

If it was a group of friends I wouldn't expect you to invite everybody else . But you said there was just a few of you in. And although there's only a few you missed her out. you say you just forgot she was there but then why wouldn't you apologise to her and say so sorry we forgot you were there. If I heard people discussing going for a drink I certainly wouldn't say oh can I come along.

She sent the email to everybody what did other people reply? Why do you feel she's saying you specifically are not inclusive rather than everybody? She's correct though s-you weren't inclusive. It's hard to believe you forgot she was there otherwise your answer would have been sorry I completely forgot you were there.

yeah - pay better attention. Apologise to her and get on with working

You're very dismissive of her feelings. The way you've written about her "forgot she was there" says it all.

I'd apologise and make sure you invite her next time.

I agree with PP, if there were only a few of you left in the office you should have asked. Your response is also telling, if it was a genuine oversight and you really didn’t see her then I think you’d have apologised and made sure you invited her next time.

You need to be very careful about excluding people. It can be considered as workplace bullying if it is perceived as deliberate.

You sound like you think you can do what you like at work, but you have been called out on doing something that could be considered bullying if it formed part of a pattern of behaviour. Apologise sincerely to your colleague and don’t do it again.

Ouch.
What did you do in response to the email?

Dorry just re read the op.