Work meeting due to being signed off with stress and caring for terminally ill parent, help!

[Totallybannanas]

Should I be worried. Apparently there is no pressure and it's to check in and see if we could do a phased return to work if needed, I have 3 weeks off and I'm not sure if I can go back yet, it depends how my dad is. I feel torn between work and caring for my dad. The frustrating thing is dad had stage 4 cancer, and is struggling with his mental health so isn't doing alot for himself l. After a long hospital stay, he's become confused and seems to have aged. I am entitled to 6 months full time sick pay, and my doctor has signed me off.

I work in a school too.

Does your dad need carers visiting or to consider residential care? If you think he might be eligible for funding to pay for carers you can contact social services to ask for a care needs assessment.

If he would be self funding then with his permission you can go ahead and source care.

It's good that you are off sick to help organise provision going forward - you would probably be unable to focus on work in this time of crisis but 6 months sick leave is available for if you were sick - which you're not. You need to take the time you need to source suitable care to be able to return to work - or if you intend to care for your dad yourself on an ongoing basis you could ask for an unpaid leave of absence or decide to leave your job.

Checking in when people are off for a big chuck is normal. You do travel to tell them anything you don't want to share. You don't have to commit to coming back until you are ready. If they ask about phased return, you can say things like 'That could be a very sensible option when the time comes'. Do you have a follow up appointment woth your GP? If so, and work asks about when you might return, you can say 'I'll know more after x date'

Understandably they will want to know how long you might be off vut that doesn't mean you have to commit to anything.

Just be careful what you say to emphasise that you are upset/stressed/unable to focus at the moment etc. I wouldn't say you need to stay off because your dad is sick as that isn't what sick leave is for.

There might be a different type of leave you could use for carers but again I think that would be limited to you finding a solution to the current crisis such as care provision rather than being paid on an ongoing basis.

Yes, initially I took 3 weeks off as he was very, very poorly. I had to stay there and try and build him back up. I also thought he may decline as he has a aggressive form of cancer. I also have to be there for meetings as he is very deaf and just can't understand what's going on I have tried to set care up, but this was temporarily, I am now having to put in for a appeal for a care assessment. I wanted to come back to work this week but last week I had a break down and have been suffering with exhaustion, anxiety and stress. My dad was only diagnosed 5 weeks ago and we have had 2 hospital admissions during this time as well as scans and appointments. My dad is 80 and lives alone, it's been overwhelming for both of us.

Trying to get good care in, is easier said than done. I don't want to give up my job, but that's the pressure I am feeling right now.

It's a check up meeting not a pressure to come back meeting. It would be very poor form for an employer for you to be off and there be no formal contact from them or between you, regardless of the reason for your absence.

It definitely sounds like you need to be off at the moment for your own wellbeing - stressed/exhausted etc.

If your dad is very unwell, lives alone and is in his 80s residential care could be the right choice. If your dad is a home owner Social Services can agree to pay the bill (running up a debt with them) until his house is sold so you could ask about that. If he has savings to pay for his own place for some time you don't need to involve social services and can just start looking for a place.

I had 3 months off work (injury) and didn't get a single contact from work. I quit 2 months after I returned as I felt so undervalued.

Checking in should be part of managing employee wellbeing. As pp say, make sure the focus is on you rather than your dad - they're paying your absence because of your ill-health; if they feel you're well enough to return them they could press for this, maybe via occ health. Leave to look after your dad wouldn't be authorized as sick, nor would it be paid.

If it’s the policy to meet with you, then they have to follow that policy. it doesn’t mean they are going after you in anyway, all this is totally beyond your control and I would hope they would recognise that.

what I would check is - where I worked teachers sickness over the holidays did not count, but it did for support staff.
so if you are support staff you might need to plan to be back in by end of term, it’s often a good time to go back as everything is winding down and makes sure your pay doesn’t drop depending on how long you have worked there.

I wouldn't mention being "entitled" to 6 months' sick leave. I would emphasise your own illness from this, rather than your dad's.

Thank you,

Its standard isn't it to check in with employees who are off sick?

Remember that your employer is only interested in your health, so keep any conversation on the topic of how you are. And it sounds like you're not in a good place.

Employers are keen to get people back to work. They will want to know if there is anything within their power/remit that could encourage you back. So if you had say, broken your legs, it may be that theu could make it so that you don't have any playground duty. Or that you work fewer hours, gradually increasing as your mobility returns. I'd imagine this is their angle here.

Sorry to hear about your dad. I hope there's someone looking out for you too.

@Totallybannanas you have had some good advice from @Winter2020.

It is clear you are suffering from stress etc. and have a fit note from your GP to that effect. That is what you need to focus on in your perfectly routine meeting with HR.

WRT your Dad, I am sorry you are going through this. What you need to do is be pragmatic, easier said than done. You need to understand (sorry) what your Dads prognosis is and how he may be affected. I found MacMillan to be excellent at explaining what might happen and the support available. Whilst distressing it helps you to make decisions on how to best help your Dad practically. You will need to “advocate” for your Dad as the system is overloaded and he may not be able to navigate it without support.

There will likely be an absence policy that they have to follow. It would be remiss of them and unfair to others if they picked and chose.