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Managing work around caring responsibilities

11 replies

Throwingitallaway24 · 01/06/2025 20:35

Well I say managing work, I’m not managing work really. I’ve been an admin at univerisities for last 6/7 years, have a range of experience in different functions, good at what I do and well liked among colleagues, never had any major issues with work. I’ve been in my current job 6 months and all going well for the most part.

I had to relocate recently to be closer to family for support with our child who has a bowel condition. Part of her problem is she ends up in hospital every few months and is usually in for around two weeks per admission. Obviously working full time makes this difficult. Dad and I together and he does what he is able to but he’s the breadwinner and his sector/team constantly at risk of redundancy. It would be harder for him to find a new job than it would be for me so I take on a lot more relating to our child. However he has more day to day flexibility so he will often work random hours while she is in hospital so that’s how he manages. The hospital my daughter stays at is a 90 min drive (no traffic) so can’t really commute to and from work when she’s in hospital and my work have said not to do any wfh they just always say focus on your daughter and don’t worry about work.

my daughter has had two admissions in the last six months. HR told my manager to log these as sickness absences (after using 1 week of dependants leave). I don’t think these should be recorded as sick leave but they wouldn’t let me use holiday leave to cover the time or take the leave unpaid (which I offered to do and would understand). I’m guessing this is just the easiest way to manage it for them. I’m waiting to hear back from the union about it.

But I’m not an idiot and I cannot do anything more than I am already doing to try and minimise her need to be admitted to hospital. She isn’t even 2 yet so it’s not like I can just leave her to it and go to work or work by her bedside 9-5, I appreciate some may find that ridiculous but it is the truth. We’ve had 8 admissions now and we know what works and what doesn’t.

I figure I’m probably going to lose my job at some point (my daughter is going to be like this for at least another 4 or so years) as this isn’t sustainable. I don’t need to work full time as we’ve recently gone on to a mortgage and this has reduced our outgoings significantly. I am struggling to find a way of maintaining some sort of income without having to work within the rigidity of most admin roles.

I could do part time admin remote work but I need something that is very flexible with hours so if I had to catch up on something, it wouldn’t matter if I was doing it from a hospital bed at midnight. I cannot find anything that could work, so many of these remote working jobs advertised are total scams.

I can’t do things like taking ironing in (shit at ironing) or cleaning as would still need to be around to keep up a client base and I wouldn’t have that if I have to drop everything at short notice to take my daughter in to hospital. I don’t have any sort of skills for side hustle type stuff. Embarrassing as it is the only thing I am good at is admin.

does anyone have any sort of suggestions of what I can do? Where I can look? Feeling so despondent and stressed with it all. This isn’t how I imagined things would go when we had a child.

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jennylamb1 · 01/06/2025 20:43

Is your child getting DLA?

Throwingitallaway24 · 01/06/2025 20:45

jennylamb1 · 01/06/2025 20:43

Is your child getting DLA?

Yes she is but lower rate, we currently put DLA money away to help pay for what we need in hospital eg food, parking, accommodation if needed etc.

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jennylamb1 · 01/06/2025 21:02

OK, good you’re getting that, I presume that you are earning over the threshold to get carer’s allowance? You can earn up to £784 a month as the upper limit now.

Throwingitallaway24 · 01/06/2025 21:08

jennylamb1 · 01/06/2025 21:02

OK, good you’re getting that, I presume that you are earning over the threshold to get carer’s allowance? You can earn up to £784 a month as the upper limit now.

I’m not eligible for carers allowance as she is on lower rate, CA is only for middle or higher.

I’ve ran a benefits calculator based on me earning nothing and we are eligible for nowt based on DH earnings. He earns good money but it’s just not enough to support us all on, we aren’t big spenders anyway (bit broke atm after house renovation and a wedding) we don’t do holidays abroad, meals out/takeaways are occasional, we batch cook, shop at Aldi etc. we certainly could cut back on some things but even so I don’t want us to HAVE to do that when I am willing and able to work, I just need flexibility to do so.

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jennylamb1 · 01/06/2025 21:13

I hear what you’re saying, it may be worth looking at her needs and whether it’s worth pushing for middle rate at least, given that her needs are sporadic but pretty severe in that they necessitate hospital treatment. If it’s a health condition that will improve as she gets older perhaps it’s worth looking at it as a short-term employment issue.

Throwingitallaway24 · 01/06/2025 21:16

jennylamb1 · 01/06/2025 21:13

I hear what you’re saying, it may be worth looking at her needs and whether it’s worth pushing for middle rate at least, given that her needs are sporadic but pretty severe in that they necessitate hospital treatment. If it’s a health condition that will improve as she gets older perhaps it’s worth looking at it as a short-term employment issue.

Most of my statement I provided to DLA was around her hospital admissions and the frequency/length and I provided all her discharge papers, they still only awarded lower rate. I can’t do MR now as too late, she has only been awarded until next year so I can try to increase it then.

it should improve as she gets older but her doctors are also raising their eyebrows a bit at how often she is needing to be admitted so I get the sense she isn’t their typical case.

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PhilippaGeorgiou · 01/06/2025 21:27

I figure I’m probably going to lose my job at some point (my daughter is going to be like this for at least another 4 or so years) as this isn’t sustainable.

So if you think that - and yes, I think it's a realistic prospect - then my suggestion would be to go say most of this to your employer! I know that may sound counter-intuitive, but the fact is that you have little to lose. Not all employers are bad employers, not all employers are unable to find solutions - but you won't find out until you ask. Talking to them is unlikely to hasten a bad outcome - and you might, just might, be surprised.

Thank about what you might suggest or offer, what flexibility might work for you and them. Sort out the rational before your talk to them. They obviously already know that there are challenges for you, so it isn't going to come as any surprise.

Harassedevictee · 01/06/2025 21:51

From an HR perspective they should not record it as you being sick. I would have said Parental Leave, which is unpaid, is the right option.

WRT jobs - have you explored agency work? This may give you more flexibility.

vdbfamily · 01/06/2025 21:59

It sounds like work are supportive. I would ask to discuss it with your manager. Explain how it is likely to recur and you need to find a way for it to work for the company and you.
Explain that you would be happier taking unpaid leave each time it happens and if there is stuff you can do from a laptop whilst she is unwell that you would be happy to.
They may be happy to find a workaround.

Throwingitallaway24 · 01/06/2025 22:01

vdbfamily · 01/06/2025 21:59

It sounds like work are supportive. I would ask to discuss it with your manager. Explain how it is likely to recur and you need to find a way for it to work for the company and you.
Explain that you would be happier taking unpaid leave each time it happens and if there is stuff you can do from a laptop whilst she is unwell that you would be happy to.
They may be happy to find a workaround.

I do plan to do this but I’m not sure how receptive they’ll be as I have said when she was previously in that I was happy to do anything I could when I could to keep on top of inboxes, tasks etc and just kept getting told not to think about work. We are hybrid 2 days wfh and 3 days in office I think they worry that if they let someone do wfh more than the 2 days then other people will ask for that.

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Throwingitallaway24 · 01/06/2025 22:03

Harassedevictee · 01/06/2025 21:51

From an HR perspective they should not record it as you being sick. I would have said Parental Leave, which is unpaid, is the right option.

WRT jobs - have you explored agency work? This may give you more flexibility.

I have no issue with taking it as unpaid leave in the current circumstances but it’s never been processed as that, always sick leave or holiday or dependants leave.

Once I hear back from the union I’ll figure out how to raise this but don’t feel confident until I get some advice from them.

I'm not sure if I’d run into the same issues with agency work eg commit to working and then have to suddenly go remote and work funny hours on very short notice but I can look into it just wouldn’t know where to start

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