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Original poster

Do I need to just toughen up?

21 replies

vitahelp · 20/05/2025 22:08

Background: I’ve been at my job for 9 months and quickly settled in both socially and work-wise. I’m late 30s and a lot of the team are 60+. I admit I probably am the favourite with our managing director, but I work hard and have a lot of experience in the industry. The others are a bit flat and many are just waiting to retire which they openly talk about.

My colleagues have accepted me well and everyone has been nice. But there is one odd one, she doesn’t seem to have anything nice to say about anyone, regularly bad mouthing people to various colleagues including me - but acts pally with everyone at the same time. She seems bitter and portrays herself as a victim, particularly where management are concerned. Nothing is ever her own fault.

Despite the above I’ve been able to get along ok with her, but am always aware she is probably talking about me too. Then today happened - she was on a call to a non-office based colleague (not sure which one) She sits a metre away from me and she started slagging me off on the call. I don’t went to repeat it word for word but basically mocking my success and suggesting it is because I suck up or just got lucky/have the right face. I couldn’t believe it, she knew I’d be able to hear her. I was fuming for the rest of the afternoon and she just acted normal and made small talk a few times.

Do I just need to get over this? I know people talk about colleagues, but to do it when they can hear? What is that about? Anyone been in this situation?

OP posts:
TinyTempest · 20/05/2025 22:10

Why on earth didn't you speak to her the minute she hung up from the call?

Original poster
vitahelp · 20/05/2025 22:13

TinyTempest · 20/05/2025 22:10

Why on earth didn't you speak to her the minute she hung up from the call?

@TinyTempest I think I was in shocked silence, I’ve never had anything like this happen to me and I’m not really a confrontational person so couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I’m not really a reactive person either as a rule, I tend to ignore rather than rise to odd/childish behaviours, as I find people who do these things quite like a drama and probably fancy an argument.

OP posts:
morecoffeeJD · 21/05/2025 07:41

I completely understand that you were shocked and didn't react on the spot. For sure, I wouldn't either; it also has to do with the type of person. The way I see it, you can only keep your communication with this person to the bare minimum. Do you need to collaborate on any projects directly? I hope not.

Notmyrealname22 · 21/05/2025 07:54

Stand up, look her dead in the eye and say “I’m right here!”. That moment has passed. “Hey Helen, I know you like to put others down in order to make yourself feel better, but it’s not very smart to do it when they are sitting a metre away from you”.

GoblinMarkets · 21/05/2025 07:59

Notmyrealname22 · 21/05/2025 07:54

Stand up, look her dead in the eye and say “I’m right here!”. That moment has passed. “Hey Helen, I know you like to put others down in order to make yourself feel better, but it’s not very smart to do it when they are sitting a metre away from you”.

That sounds perfectly reasonable.

But more generally, I wouldn’t give it a great deal of thought. You knew she wasn’t a nice person and probably slagged you off, as well as others.

LittleMonks11 · 21/05/2025 08:00

I wouldn’t put up with working with a bully.

Dearg · 21/05/2025 08:03

LittleMonks11 · 21/05/2025 08:00

I wouldn’t put up with working with a bully.

Exactly. She’s a bully, or at least wants to be. I would probably go with @Notmyrealname22’s suggested response if she does it again. You know what she’s like but you don’t need to put up with it.

RoseofRoses · 21/05/2025 08:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Hillrunning · 21/05/2025 08:04

Let her think thoes things of you. You know they aren't true. The other colleague probably knows it too. Give yourself 15 minutes to feel really fucking angry about it, then remind yourself that you can chose to focus on something else.

GoingOverToTheDarkSide · 21/05/2025 08:05

Hillrunning · 21/05/2025 08:04

Let her think thoes things of you. You know they aren't true. The other colleague probably knows it too. Give yourself 15 minutes to feel really fucking angry about it, then remind yourself that you can chose to focus on something else.

Give yourself 15 minutes to feel really fucking angry about it, then remind yourself that you can chose to focus on something else.

well that’s my new mantra for life. Love it

SusanLittle76 · 21/05/2025 08:11

This is a question of having healthy boundaries in your relationships. Being spoken about in the third person in a derogatory way should be a breach of your boundary but this must come from a sincere belief that you value your self worth. I could recommend a book that i have no affiliation with, called The Better Boundaries Workbook by Sharon Martin.

inkognitha · 21/05/2025 08:13

vitahelp · 20/05/2025 22:13

@TinyTempest I think I was in shocked silence, I’ve never had anything like this happen to me and I’m not really a confrontational person so couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I’m not really a reactive person either as a rule, I tend to ignore rather than rise to odd/childish behaviours, as I find people who do these things quite like a drama and probably fancy an argument.

Show quote history

So you’re a pushover?

Hillrunning · 21/05/2025 08:26

GoingOverToTheDarkSide · 21/05/2025 08:05

Give yourself 15 minutes to feel really fucking angry about it, then remind yourself that you can chose to focus on something else.

well that’s my new mantra for life. Love it

Show quote history

I was taught this method in therapy. Depending on the situation is, pick an amount of time that seems reasonable and fully feel the feeling- no counteract it, no rationalisation or trying to apply logic. Just fully sitting in the anger, sadness, insecurity etc for the set time. Apparently it is usually enough for you brain to chill out because you haven't tried to counter it. I love it and use it a lot!

Mulledjuice · 21/05/2025 08:31

Did you say anything when she was slagging off others?

BadSkiingMum · 21/05/2025 08:51

I think you have to pull her up on it. She has to know that you are prepared to challenge her.

I once went part time (before DC, I was doing it for other reasons) and a colleague began making odd snide remarks about my part-time status. It was strange because we normally got on well. After a few occasions, when it happened again I just looked directly at her, pointed out that she kept making these remarks and asked her if she had an issue with me being part time. She completely backed down, apologised and said that she was actually a bit jealous. That cleared the air and our normal relationship resumed immediately.

I think in this situation you have to show no fear and stand your ground.

Questioningconstantly · 21/05/2025 09:01

I would probably bring it up as a professional tip.

"Just beware when discussing people negatively who is around when doing so, if a client or potential partner hears, it could be classed as a data protection issue (depending on what your discussing) or negatively impact the company and lose clients. Luckily on this occasion i overhead regarding myself, not everyone one will respond professionally or be unaffected by this."

Questioningconstantly · 21/05/2025 09:05

Questioningconstantly · 21/05/2025 09:01

I would probably bring it up as a professional tip.

"Just beware when discussing people negatively who is around when doing so, if a client or potential partner hears, it could be classed as a data protection issue (depending on what your discussing) or negatively impact the company and lose clients. Luckily on this occasion i overhead regarding myself, not everyone one will respond professionally or be unaffected by this."

Edited

And to be honest I would probably paper trail it. If a future need arose.

Date:
Time:
Situation:
Then quote exact response i made.

Next time it happens just note it down.
Then referred to HR for guidance or to resolve.

I did have something similar happen a while back, and I did it all over work email so all interaction was time stamped and could be pulled as evidence.

Original poster
vitahelp · 21/05/2025 09:43

Thanks everyone, really appreciate the thoughts. I suppose in some respects I can be a pushover, but really I think it is more complex than that. I have negative past experience dealing with unreasonable people (family) and I’ve learnt that entering into debate with those people rarely gets you anywhere. You end up going in circles with them and at some stage start acting in a similar way.

She is acting normal with me today, can’t get my head round it.

OP posts:
Liveafr · 21/05/2025 09:44

I don't think you should let it go. It's not like a friend or family member slagging you off, where your van just ignore what they say. She's harming your professional reputation, and professional reputation matters, even with a non office based colleague (through I agree when someone bitches about everyone, you tend to not give credibility to what they say). Is she repeats it, it could be bullying. I would at least keep a log of the incident.

TheSlantedOwl · 21/05/2025 09:46

You need to get it all down in writing in an email to your manager with HR CCed in.

BBCONEANDTWO · 24/05/2025 12:37

vitahelp · 20/05/2025 22:08

Background: I’ve been at my job for 9 months and quickly settled in both socially and work-wise. I’m late 30s and a lot of the team are 60+. I admit I probably am the favourite with our managing director, but I work hard and have a lot of experience in the industry. The others are a bit flat and many are just waiting to retire which they openly talk about.

My colleagues have accepted me well and everyone has been nice. But there is one odd one, she doesn’t seem to have anything nice to say about anyone, regularly bad mouthing people to various colleagues including me - but acts pally with everyone at the same time. She seems bitter and portrays herself as a victim, particularly where management are concerned. Nothing is ever her own fault.

Despite the above I’ve been able to get along ok with her, but am always aware she is probably talking about me too. Then today happened - she was on a call to a non-office based colleague (not sure which one) She sits a metre away from me and she started slagging me off on the call. I don’t went to repeat it word for word but basically mocking my success and suggesting it is because I suck up or just got lucky/have the right face. I couldn’t believe it, she knew I’d be able to hear her. I was fuming for the rest of the afternoon and she just acted normal and made small talk a few times.

Do I just need to get over this? I know people talk about colleagues, but to do it when they can hear? What is that about? Anyone been in this situation?

She sounds like a bitter jealous person and is irrelevant. Whoever she was talking to probably thinks she's an idiot as well. I'd ignore her as much as possible.

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