To work or not to work -- need support please

[glimmer]

I have DS 6 months, returned after 4 months to work and am scheduled to start a new, demanding job FT in July. DH has been watching DS in the last two months, and I really enjoyed the balance between work and being a mother. I also had lots of vacation time saved up, so that I effectively went in only 3-4 days and I was very comfortable with DH watching DS while I was at work. DP will return to work FT in July as well and DS is scheduled to be in nursery full time.

The thought brakes my heart and I would like to see my child grow up more. On the other side I find it very challenging to be at home with him 24/7 and enjoy the intellectual stimulation at work. I also think that it will be better for him in the long term, if he can go off and live his life, and I will still have a life and not become too clingy (I am just talking about myself, this is not a general statement). I am a scientist and PT would be very difficult and mean a career stop and change.

I am so conflicted about this and go back and forth and just seem not to be able to find a solution or even strategy. Anybody out there who has/had the same dilemma?

Glimmer, it is tough. Not sure there is a right answer. Could you go back to PT? Even if only for a bit until you are clearer about what you want.

I really think your answer is, as they say, in your question. The thought of going back to work "breaks [your] heart". Your arguments against being a SAHM (it's a bit hard, you want your own life when he's older) aren't half as powerful as the simple fact that the idea of leaving him in nursery breaks your heart.

You don't mention needing to work for the money. Let's be honest, if you don't take the FT job in July, it doesn't mean you'll be a cling-on Mum forever. Did you have a child to spend less than a year taking care of him yourself?

Yes, it's mundane, repetitive, stressful and challenging daily. But your son will be the most fascinating scientific project you ever have.

Really tough one. What strikes me though, is that you've clearly enjoyed being back at work, and having that balance of parenting and work. The difference now is that your ds will be at nursery rather than with your dh. Try looking at it in the long term, and thinking about what your ds will gain. He will have loads of interaction and stimulation at nursery, and it may well help develop his confidence. Giving up an exciting career completely (you say P/T isnt an option) is a hell of a lot to give up when your ds will no doubt be absolutely fine at nursery. If you know that you'll feel bored/resentful at home 24/7,and that it may jeapardise your career plans long term, is that going to be a big cause of conflict? I do feel for you, because there really are no simple answers, but as you are already back at work and its going so well, it sounds as though you might be unwise to throw that away.

Do babies really need stimulation?

Yup, babies do need stimulation.

I didn't have an option to be pt - my job (I'm a physicist for a medical company) isn't like that, and a career break totally impossible.

So I went back ft, and DS went to nursery - which he loves and is thriving on the stimulation.

I have no regrets, no matter how others may try and guilt trip me.

Are babies really "fascinating scientific projects"? I think that is a dangerous way to look at SAHPing BEAUTIFUL.

There is no right answer, but from what you say you seem happy doing P/T - why can't you continue doing that?

If you're having a job change anyway, could you not factor in the part-time question somehow and rethink your options. What kind of scientist (in a university? lab based? private sector?) - transferring your skills might give you more options.

All of us who go back to work find this difficult, but it has benefits for both of you. As well as costs.

One thing that might help - if you're on maternity leave - is to use up some of your keeping in touch days to see how you feel about being back at work...

Thank you very much for your thoughts. It really helps to get different opinions and just discuss the various options.

I do love my job and and it would be very hard to give it up. I also agree that DS would be absolutely fine in the nursery. He loves to be with other kids and has started to play independently (not all day lone certainly). It's more about what's best for "me", because I truly believe he will be fine either way.

I would get help cleaning so that the time on the weekends and evening is really family quality time. Between that an the nursery charges, I would still have some money left, but I guess I would go out for conveniences like going out more etc. so I am on the lucky position that this is not a major factor.(We do not have a lot of money, but my working will not change this a lot.)

I guess part of this discussion is that I would like to life in a society where I could work PT in my job and have more time with my DS.

Er, yes, babies very definitely need stimulation. And I also agree that viewing a child as a 'project' is a bit odd. Children are people, not a project.