Am I bad at my job?

[Jaberwocky123]

I’ve been at the same company for three years now. Creative field, have to come up with new ideas all the time. Also in a foreign country.

I really admire the company and love what I do. It gives me flexibility, is generous with working from home, people are kind, glamorous offices, exciting artistic line of work, that kind of thing.

I’ve done fine so far but nothing spectacular. I plod along helping move projects along and occassionally pitch or develop new ones.

However, I have a running commentary in my head that I’m hopeless at it and am constantly at risk of being fired and it’s exhausting. I think I genuinely don’t bring enough to the table however much I try. I don’t have a vast salary, so that makes me feel slightly better about not being worthy.

So my question is how to know if I’m over thinking things or whether I really am bad at what I do? How to separate anxiety from true reflection?

Thanks for any tips. Sorry if this is too vague to answer.

Lots of women have this running commentary and it can have a negative impact: self fulfilling prophecy and all that.
what do your managers say at your one to ones? You could ask them for feedback on what you do well and how you could improve?

Op I can really relate to this.

This sounds really silly but I saw a video recently where someone had named their anxious brain, I've called mine Steve (thanks DS and the Minecraft movie!) and when I start to have anxious or negative thoughts I say in my head 'oh, shut up Steve, I've not got time for this' or 'well that's not true is it, Steve!?'

I can honestly say it helps.

It’s a good thing to recognise this voice and see it for what it is rather than the truth. You can give it a name so you know “oh it’s xyz again, going on about that crap” and create a new narrative with a different voice that says positive things. That might feel hard and false to start with but there’s no reason to believe the bad voice and not the other, and saying the positive things to yourself can have an effect whether you think you believe it or not. Have a look into ways to actively manage your anxiety so it’s not ruling your life and spoiling things.

See if you can gain access to some CBT.

cognitive behavioural therapy is designed to resolve negative thought patterns like you seem to be suffering from.

We are the sum of the stories we tell ourselves. You really need to have a word with your internal narrative get it to remember all the things you do well.

write a list of all the projects that you’ve been involved in. It’s an excellent practice to have anyway. Then next time you’re in an interview or CV situation you can easily say “Yes I have an example of that. When I led / was involved in X project I did xyz.”

Agree with PPs that this is all too common for women so I definitely empathise. Love the suggestion of naming the anxiety! Out of interest, what is the culture like? Is it quite a competitive environment? I find that certain individuals in senior leadership can bring out these thoughts or feelings by creating quite a competitive culture.

Do you have one to ones? What does your LM say in those? Try and write down the positives.

Also - there's nothing wrong with plodding. Every company needs plodders or there would be chaos.

Yep it is so common it has a name, it's called imposter syndrome and it is significantly more common in females especially in male dominated fields.

I feel you OP I really struggle with this and every small critique in my job makes me feel like an utter failure. I am trying to tell myself that looking at the bigger picture I get good feedback. Try to see if you can focus on some of the positives although I know that is hard.

Absolutely will help.

Naming this brain, and having a conversation with it, in the same way you'd refute someone else's baseless assertions tricks your conscious brain into defence mode. It's super clever and a skill we should practice.
Thanks for the reminder!

There's a big thing in "the chimp paradox" about it...

Thanks for all this brilliant advice and tips. Naming the monster — I can see how that might help tame it… Will give it a go.

@Caffeineneedednow hope we both manage to kick the insecurities. Sounds like you’re nailing it if you get good feedback!

The company I’m with sadly don’t really do feedback. You just kind of have to feel your way… 😐

@nhscompl STEVE! Love it.
Shush, Steve! Get out the room Steve!