very worried about returning to work

[RB1]

allsorted to go back to work on a practical level but just cant imagine not being with DS.
missing him when i leave him for an hour nevermind 8 hours a day.
cry as soon as think about it and now feeling so depressed cant eat properly.
know cant make other arrangements other than working so going to have to go back as no choice. does everyone feel like this?

How old is your baby?

I returned to work when DS was 6.5 months old, and found it very difficult to imagine myself coping at all. Even though my son was being cared for by DP, I felt distraught at the thought of leaving him. I worked half days for the first few weeks just to get them into the swing of things as much as anything, before graduating to full days. Like you, I didn't really have a choice.

It will get easier with time, I promise you that. Things that may help - cosleeping increases your time together and it's lovely to know he's snuggled next to me at night, even though I'm not there in the daytime. If you can make it possible to meet at lunchtime, it's worth considering. I was fortunate to be able to go home for my lunchbreak. Make sure at the end of each day you get a rundown of what he's been up to from your childcare people - what he's eaten, whether he's been sleeping etc. It makes you feel better to be abreast of things. For a while it's like having a newborn again - no time, so much rushing, feeling stressed. But it works itself out and things will settle down in time.

I have been back 3 months now and although I'd rather spend more time at home, I actually feel like I would still work part-time if I had the choice. It's hard working through teething/illness/crap sleep but you'll both survive. Once you're actually back into it you won't have so much time to worry, just try to enjoy the time you have together just now

Thanks for your post. DS is 5mths.
Hope is does get better just very depressing at the thought of it

It's very tough at the beginning. It gets easier with time. Take a good book with you to read on the train and at lunchtime so you don't think too much about home. If you can... It does get better.

I cried when I left DD (at around the same age as your DS) and missed her hugely. Then it became obvious that I'd done everything I could to make sure she was happy, and she was. She's brilliantly settled at nursery, is fun, sociable and talking non-stop. The guilt doesn't let up, but you feel better with time. Being welcomed back by my colleagues helped me, too. And ring your childcare every 20 minutes if it makes you feel better - surely no-one's expecting you to hit the ground running on day one? I consciously held back from calling because that's just me, but if it's going to make you feel more confident then for a short period it won't hurt. And enjoy a hot cup of coffee for the first time in 5 months!

Oh RB1, I know exactly how you feel! I had to go back to work when ds1 was 4 months old and I was crying at the thought when I was still in hospital after having him! But it does get better, especially if you can see that they are happy in childcare, which they usually are.

When do you have to go back? I found at 4 - 5 months old no way could I leave DS but by 7 months it seemed all right as he was weaned by then and actually when I went back to work he was 9 months and it was absolutely fine. If you don't have to go back just yet, relax and enjoy your time together for now and wait and see how you feel later on.

Hi RB1, I am going back in a couple of weeks, to a very crap job I might add, I have no choice due to me being the higher earner. The luxury of living off DP simply isnt an option.

I am absolutley petrified as I am unsure how I will cope with the adjustment of being back to work and leaving my dd who is almost 5 months in the hands of my dp (who doesnt adopt any kind of routine as I do and doesnt do anything like me) and my mum.

So, its just to add that yes, people do feel the same and seeing this thread has reminded me that I am not alone, so thanks for starting it!!

I wish you well and hope you dont let this get to you too much as it will get better and it just takes time to adjust!

thanks again for all the advice, good to hear other mums felt the same.
i think it is just hard as i am still bf and even though he is weaning well just likes the comfort of a suck now and again especially to go to sleep.
have to try to work around this somehow. though i don't know how at the moment!

I know you probably don't want to at this stage but to ease the dependency on you could you give him a dummy? Probably not an option but just an idea I am just thinking it could help you a little bit so that he isn't so dependent on you. It helps when they need to go to sleep then too, well it worked for me with dd she only has a dummy for sleep now.

RB1 - you will be fine!! There's a big difference between leaving your baby for the odd hour or two to go shopping (when you always know you don't have to leave them, and you could go back any time) and actually leaving them to go out earning. IME the latter is easier, because once you are back at work, you're probably going to be so busy that the day will fly by. I returned to teaching when dd1 was 3 months old, and I can honestly say i didnt miss her during my work hours. She was settled with a CM, and I was busy, productive and using my brain again. The worrying about how you'll manage is the worst bit - when you're actually doing it, you'll just get on with it. Oh and it's perfectly possible to contine bf when you're working - I did.

Do you really have to go back to work? If the thought of it is depressing you, could we try to think of an alternative solution?

Could you move to a cheaper area/sell the car/do evening work?

Plus, maybe if we all thrust our partners/husbands into the role of sole breadwinner, they'd do a better job of it?

I wish my DP would see that being sole breadwinner would enable me to stay at home and give our dd the best. Can you speak to my DP please Beautiful?

Definitely!

ah purlease do!! my dp is quite content in letting me go back work next month as I am sole earner, managed to get 1 payment hol on mortgage (that I pay for!) Bloody men, take advantage they do as if having their sodding kids isnt enough!!

wurly - just beware of confusing what YOU want with what's best for your dd. I wouldnt presume to say that sole care from me is 'best' for my dcs. My dh is just as much a parent!! And you don't stop being a parent when you work outside the home!! One of my dcs was with a lovely CM, the other two went to the most fantastic nursery believable, and of course they had me and DH being mummy and daddy. Let's allow both parents to be parents AND work.....then our sons and daughters may grow up realising it doesnt have to be either/or.

Me being the sole carer for my dd is probably not best for her actually and I trust my mum completley and the CM would be ok too. it's just my dp has a tendency to cut corners and doesn't always put her first that was the only reason why I wanted to have a little bit longer off.

You see he doesnt do that much with her, I do everything even though we are ff. TBH I don't think I could be a full time mum, I have lost my identity a bit since being on maternity leave it's just we are led to believe sometimes that being with your dc's after they are born for as long as possible is best for them.

When people at work asked me how long I was having off and I said 4/5 months they looked at me as if I had falled off planet Mars, and ask, oh, can't your dp/dh support you? I suppose it's a generation thing. my mum stayed at home with me and my brother and sister for years till she went back p/t but that's what a lot of mums did years ago. That's all I meant, sorry, getting a bit defensive now..

I am all for working and being parents, it's just going to be difficult for me to get that balance initially when I go back work that's all. For me, it will be a bit adjustment!

wurly, I'm in the same boat (I pay the bills, earn more money, do most of the organisational day-to-day stuff). DP, although very, very involved with DS from day 1, found it very hard at first when he realised what a full time and full on job it is to care for him solo.

He's done really well though and DS is absolutely fine. I'd rather the childcare was more equally split (I never get alone time with DS these days, and when I'm home I do the majority of the settling/feeding etc) and I could really do with DP earning a bit extra because money is really tight just now, but I don't think he's too keen on the idea of PT work. I do think although blokes find it hard at first to accept not being the breadwinner or at least contributing, they find it remarkably easy to get used to life as a househusband!

If you're anything like me you won't be able to bear this suggestion but what about leaving your DP with sole charge for a day while you go out? Might be an eye-opener for all of you!

Oh, I have done a couple of times, I went to London a few weeks ago, but I dont think he did anything like I did, he is just intent on being the one to play with her and not put her to bed etc for sleep that kind of thing not recognising her signs anfd just feeding her when she gets tired!!

I do think that he does realise how hard it is though with just one day with her and I doubt he would want to do it all the time. I hate leaving her with him because he is not a routine person and just does things so off the cuff all the time, I on the other hand, although neurotic at times do stick to a routine and my dd is so happy for this. I feel horrid for saying this about him though. Causes no end of arguements but I have to let it go sometimes..

I know what you mean about money being tight, I am not sure how I will cope for money till I go back to work and his take home pay is more than mine because I have more deductions, student loan pension all thst jazz

Sometimes it's OK for routine to be out the window though. And they learn to expect different things from different people - for example, a BF baby won't look for a feed from their dad. So your DP and your DD will find a happy medium too. As long as she doesn't spend all day howling with tiredness then it'll be fine. If she does, he'll soon get good at spotting tired signs!

On the money side, I'm finding only now I'm back in harness am I getting to grips with it. Don't forget (sorry, patronising hat on now) child benefit and working tax credit. Also make sure the child benefit is in your DP's name because it means his NI contributions are accounted for or something complicated to do with pensions.

well i seem to have started some serious discussions here!
Hoping that work will be ok and if it isn't working i am going to find an alternative but this would be a big life change.
Then again DS is priority and maybe that is necessary? Totally upset still but feel like just moaning now.

On the DP side of things, I found my DH really got better at looking after DS over time as DS became easier to read and more communicative so DH became more confident. Everything is still in a state of constant flux when they are so young, don't believe that it means anything for the long term, things do get easier!

I think you might be surprised. I found it easier going back to work when dd was 4 months than I did later on (after another break)!

You'll still get your cuddles in the evening and the morning. I don't know how you are planning on feeding him, but I would try and sort that out now (so if you need to sort out the bottles, make sure you have that sorted already because I found that the most stressful part). Also make sure you are happy with the childcare.

If you have no choice, then you need to try and think of some positive things (like being able to have a cup of coffee on your own, reading on your commute, earning money...I don't know, whatever works for you).

Oh when I got back to work it was so brilliant being able to pop to Boots at lunchtime, post a letter etc. without pushing a buggy and thinking of DS' needs all the time! The freedom!

I know what you mean! I am worried about returning to work after dc2 maternity leave and I'm only 17 weeks pg!!!!

Returning after Ds (6-7 months) was ok, although we'd hardly been separated - he had a great minder at the nursery. He was the worlds worst at being with ppl he didn't know and ever since he was tiny tiny just cried if someone else held him.

I was lucky to have a friend going back to work at the same time and we went for a cup of tea together whilst Ds had a 30 min trial session at nursery and turned out to be fine.
He didn't like it if his special minder was off for the day though! Got less fussy as he got older. I was much happier when he could make himself understood if he wanted a drink, by pointing etc.