Looking for advice on what to do:
I really really hate my job. I dread going to work everyday and count down the hours while there until I can leave again. I even have a count down chart for the week which counts down my weekly and daily hours. In my house diary I have a count down on how many days I have until I can retire. Every evening I am dreading waking up as I know I have work and even at the weekends I am moody as I know I have to go to work. I sometimes wish I would go to sleep and not wake up (I don’t wish to kill myself and won’t self harm)
It also feels me with absolute dread that I have to work for at least 28 years and even then I probably won’t be able to retire as I wont be able to afford to. I wish every day I would win the lottery big so I can give up my job (I would then go and volunteer at local charities)
I am constantly anxious if inhave made the right decisions/judgements in my work and if these are wrong that I will be disciplined/sacked. I have just been promoted in the last month, I did not want the promotion and did say I did not want it, due to my anxiety, but my employer wanted me promoted and said I would regret it. it did mean a bit of a increase (£1k a year).
I am currently getting CTB for depression and anxiety but all the therapist is saying is have ‘worry time’ for these thoughts and anxiety. It does not seem to be working and my anxiety/depression is consuming me (I am also on meds) so much so I isolate myself and not go out. I have told my therapist this and she just says have more ‘worry time’ during the day and suggested a short session (5 mins) in morning, and lunch time and then a 15 min It seems pointless and I can’t turn off the worry. I was told by someone else in the past the only way is to curb the anxiety is to cut out the situation that causes it. Easier said than done when you cant quit your job.
I now have even developed phantom smells when ever I am anxious.
I have been looking for another job, however there is nothing around on a similar salary range al want qualifications to do not hold (I can’t afford to retrain) I can’t afford to take any sort of wage cut as I am the sole income earner so could not take a training role as the wages would be too low. Plus I have only been in post in my new role for a month (the previous role for the same company before I get promoted I was in post for over 10 years) Does it look bad on applications that I am leaving so quickly after being promoted? Will people think I can’t hack the extra responsibility?
Looking back in my career I regret so many things from studying for a pointless degree. Saying in the same position for 10 years so reducing my experience / opportunity for training.
I don’t know what else to do anyone got any tips on:
managing in a job they hate?
the dread of how long you have to work until retirement
managing anxiety and depression
thanks for taking the time to read (what is a very long post)