Seeing your bully at a conference

[Teacakeorbap]

Hi All,

Name change for this one.

Last year I went through one of the worst experiences of my life dealing with a bully at work. She has form, has a bad reputation across the companies she’s worked for (I found out later) but was friends with my manager so he hired her.

That's when I, and several people in the company, realised she was also very incompetent. Despite this she became my line manager and as I witnessed her picking on people, singling them out and causing big issues (the MD had to sit in on her meetings to keep an eye on her 🙄), I decided to have only necessary contact. I worked from home so this was easier and it worked for a while. However, where she missed her targets, I hit all of mine and hers and was due to be promoted to her level. I had a worry that she would come after me, which she did. I suffered a short, but serious illness at the beginning of last year and during my 5 day absence she took a roughly drafted document I had started and claimed it was the finished piece, using this to attempt to put me on a PIP. I was still recovering from the illness (still am really) but had to endure horrendous harassment from her. I went off sick, employed a solicitor and left with an NDA and a good pay out. There were also hints that she got a bollocking as I saw company wide emails sent highlighting what was considered improper behaviour of managers.

Anyway, I quickly moved on (signed the contracts before I left). I have a great job with a lovely company and have so much respect for my new manager. I’m also now a client of my previous company, something I’m sure really pisses them off.

I haven’t seen any of them since I left but I have a 6 day conference abroad coming up in a month where I’ll be attending on my own. She’s going to be there…and her stand is right next to the area I will have to pass repeatedly throughout the 6 days. She’ll be the most senior from that company attending (so no managers to keep an eye on her). Am I unreasonable to feel nervous? If it wasn’t for the situation around my leaving I would have approached the stand and previous colleagues (some won’t know why I left) will be there too.

I’m fixating on what to wear because if I feel confident in what I’m wearing hopefully I’ll be more confident overall. What would you wear? (STEM event).

Hold your head high and walk past and don't engage. Hopefully she won't try to engage with you and if she does practise saying things now like. Sorry not interested. Sorry on my way for a catch up with a much loved colleague.

Wear what you would have anyway or as you say what makes you feel good and special and worthy of your current role.

I’d ask on the Style and Beauty board about outfits, but could you try to think more about what exactly is making you so nervous at the prospect of seeing her again? She has zero power over you now.

Is it possible to request to have your stand moved?

@HarpSnail thanks for your reply.

The nervousness comes from the enormous impact this woman had on me at the time and my confidence since. I’m not sure the impact will ever fully go away. I had to defend myself to her and her mate whilst dealing with chronic pain and the prospect of being disabled for the rest of my life. I was petrified of being unemployed and losing the house, not being able to look after my children. It spiralled in to anxiety of a level I’ve never experienced before.

Thankfully I won’t have a stand because those are for the companies flogging services and I’ll be there as a customer l. I’ll just have to walk past hers trying to look confident.

Thanks for the tip about the style and Beauty chat!

Wear what you feel most confident in etc and just walk past holding your head up high. I wouldn’t even engage with her, because you don’t want to have her impact your mood in anyway. What a vile creature.

You are not being unreasonable to feel nervous! I’ve walked past ex-bullies with a dirty look my head high, refusing to engage… but I appreciate that it’s difficult, and will be more so if you have to see her regularly for six days. I hope that she won’t try to engage with you, either, though she might have to be on her best behaviour if she is at an event.

Make sure that whatever you choose to wear fits well and makes you look and feel good. Good luck on finding something suitable, and surviving the event!

I think it will help your confidence if you develop a plan of action regarding any contact with her. Eg. If she approaches you and tries to start a conversation, how will you respond? I think you’ll feel better if you have a few stock phrases to roll out, so that you don’t have to play it by ear.

Flip the script. Despite her best attempts to bring you down, you had the strength and character to bring her down. You walked away from a toxic situation, with a payout, she was reprimanded, and you now have a brilliant job where your old company has to keep you sweet as a client. And you did all that whilst suffering ill health. You are a bloody superwoman. So when you have to walk past her, adjust your cape and give her a smug grin as you walk past.

You got this.

What you can do to her is probably damaging if more people in the client arena knew what she's like so there's a chance that seeing you might be as worrying to her (but that might be wishful thinking on my part).

So dress well, look good ( yeah, I know but...) hold your head up, exude confidence as a super act and behave like she doesn't exist..

If there are former colleagues you'd like to check in with couldn't you do it when she's not there and the second she emerges from wherever she's skulking pointedly leave? You have the power and the moral high ground on this one, it sounds like you have done amazingly well. And even better that you're now a client.

As regards the outfit, what's your best colour and style shape? I'm sure you'll look amazing. You could either ignore her completely or opt for the head to toe contemptuous stare.

Good luck - it'll be over before you know it.

But you realise she was able to do those things then because she had power over you then. You worked for the same company, and she was your line manager. She abused her power. You did all the right things, left with a good payout etc, are thriving professionally, and it sounds as if her standing was negatively affected.

I appreciate that she’s the focus of some horrific memories, but she has no power over you now, other than any you give her in your head. Approach the stand when or if you feel like it to speak to other ex-colleagues, or avoid if you don’t. Cut her dead if you want. You actually have all the power here now. You came out on top. She may be terrified of seeing you. She may have turned you into the bad guy in her head. She may genuinely have convinced herself you were incompetent. You can’t control any of that, and it’s irrelevant, anyway. I’d focus on my breathing, listen to my body and its stress responses, and do exactly what feels best at the time within the parameters of doing your own job at the conference.

I'm sorry you had to go through this whole experience with this poisonous person.

A bit left field here, but as well as the suggestions above, you could try a few hypnosis sessions with a qualified hypnotherapist to help with your anxiety for this event. It's worth a go and can be very effective.

It would be suggestion therapy rather than analytical, and, much like when it's used to help to calm people's nerves for a driving test or a dentist visit etc.

I've used these myself and they have worked for me, though everyone is different.