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Original poster

Am I going on a date with my manager?

26 replies

Kyrx94 · 16/04/2025 00:50

I’m a team leader and one of my friends who also is one is friends with an operations manager who was my manager for a couple of weeks. Once I was moved from under him she introduced us more informally on a call and since then we have all been quite close and have a group chat in place, talk most days etc.

Myself and him throw a bit of playful banter around which could possibly be seen as flirty. However it is both our personality.

His asked me today what my Bank hol plans are I just casually said nothing not thinking into it and he said does that mean we need to make some, I said I was up for it and his response was if you’re up for it want to do something?

i’m not sure how to take this. I was going to suggest bringing asking our mutual friend but not sure if he means just us?

I’ve not been on the dating scene in over 5 years so I’m not sure as stupid as I may sound right now..

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 16/04/2025 00:58

Would you want to go on a date with him? If yes then just go along with it and see how it goes, if not then just loop in your mutual friend. His intentions aren't clear but this way
if you want to date him you're leaving the possibility open, and if you don't you're keeping it friend zone.

Original poster
Kyrx94 · 16/04/2025 01:08

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 16/04/2025 00:58

Would you want to go on a date with him? If yes then just go along with it and see how it goes, if not then just loop in your mutual friend. His intentions aren't clear but this way
if you want to date him you're leaving the possibility open, and if you don't you're keeping it friend zone.

I feel like I would want to get to know him more, his different to what I would normally go for so probably would consider asking our friend so I could get to know him in more of a friendly social environment before jumping into anything. I was just unsure of where he stands with it all 🙈

OP posts:
Redfloralduvet · 16/04/2025 01:16

I CBA with vague bullshitters.

I'd treat him as a friend, nothing more. Why would you want to get into a relationship with someone you work with, who is senior to you, and who can't even be bothered to make their intentions clear?

He asked your plans, you said none. If he wanted to meet up with you why couldn't he just have said so! Like, do you feel like going to X place on Saturday? If he wanted it to be a date he could have added, just us? Instead you've had "do we need to arrange something?" speaking as if you're already a couple. Then when you say yes ok, he basically asks again if you want to do something? You already answered!

At best he seems extremely lazy and wants you to think of, arrange and organise the activities, then let him know. At worst he's dicking you around and it's all just more banter.

If someone wants to date you the least they can do is actually ask you out, clearly and unambiguously.

SallyDraperGetInHere · 16/04/2025 01:31

I’d reply with ‘not clear if this is an invitation?!’

LizzyLine · 16/04/2025 02:44

I think previous two PPs being dismal. He is respectfully exploring if you want to extend the friendship. Sounds like you wouldn't mind exploring, you get on well, go for it!!

GarlicSmile · 16/04/2025 02:57

Check out whether you're going to be making plans together. Ask him if he means just you two, or should you invite your mutual friend.

It's so not complicated!

MarkingBad · 16/04/2025 02:59

Workplace romances rarely go anywhere, affect teams, cause complaints, affect your career if things really go bad, could lose you a job, and if things go wrong, you have to see them at work. It's not unusual for one to leave after a relationship breaks down.

They are the absolute pits, I can see why some firms ban them or need full disclosure if you are currently in a relationship/married when you join. It's a real nightmare in HR terms, no one wants to lose trained staff just because of a flirtation gone too far or dealing with complaints of harrassment.

This man is playing with fire, it is really unprofessional, he could well do this with a number of colleagues to see who bites and who doesn't, it's really minimal effort as other posters have said. You barely know him, is he married, in a relationship?

I've said all these things to several colleagues and usually pick up the pieces after it as well, it's rarely ever anything worthwhile.

Not dismal, just reality

Trashpalace · 16/04/2025 03:00

Redfloralduvet · 16/04/2025 01:16

I CBA with vague bullshitters.

I'd treat him as a friend, nothing more. Why would you want to get into a relationship with someone you work with, who is senior to you, and who can't even be bothered to make their intentions clear?

He asked your plans, you said none. If he wanted to meet up with you why couldn't he just have said so! Like, do you feel like going to X place on Saturday? If he wanted it to be a date he could have added, just us? Instead you've had "do we need to arrange something?" speaking as if you're already a couple. Then when you say yes ok, he basically asks again if you want to do something? You already answered!

At best he seems extremely lazy and wants you to think of, arrange and organise the activities, then let him know. At worst he's dicking you around and it's all just more banter.

If someone wants to date you the least they can do is actually ask you out, clearly and unambiguously.

Wow, this here is a jedi-level analysis and one of the reasons I love mumsnet.

With dating I often think of the saying "start as you mean to go on" because with any unfavorable behaviours your annoyance will only coupound over time, much like compounding interest.

And yeah, in my view, this communication is minimal effort, immature and a bit gas-lighty to boot.

BubblegumGiraffe · 16/04/2025 03:22

I think he’s had a bit of a tough time with one of these responses… looks like he’s asking you out but doesn’t want to put you under too much pressure and maybe is shy.

If you want you can date him go, if you want to friend zone him invite the mutual friend.

Padz · 16/04/2025 15:39

Go out as friends and see what happens then there’s no pressure.

JudasTree · 16/04/2025 15:41

Think of what you would prefer to happen, and make that happen. If you’d prefer to see him with mutual friends, say that? If you’d prefer to want to know if this is a date or not, ask?

Starlight1984 · 16/04/2025 15:54

MarkingBad · 16/04/2025 02:59

Workplace romances rarely go anywhere, affect teams, cause complaints, affect your career if things really go bad, could lose you a job, and if things go wrong, you have to see them at work. It's not unusual for one to leave after a relationship breaks down.

They are the absolute pits, I can see why some firms ban them or need full disclosure if you are currently in a relationship/married when you join. It's a real nightmare in HR terms, no one wants to lose trained staff just because of a flirtation gone too far or dealing with complaints of harrassment.

This man is playing with fire, it is really unprofessional, he could well do this with a number of colleagues to see who bites and who doesn't, it's really minimal effort as other posters have said. You barely know him, is he married, in a relationship?

I've said all these things to several colleagues and usually pick up the pieces after it as well, it's rarely ever anything worthwhile.

Not dismal, just reality

Edited

Well me and DH would have to beg to differ with you on that one 😂

Hastentoadd · 16/04/2025 16:05

Kyrx94 · 16/04/2025 00:50

I’m a team leader and one of my friends who also is one is friends with an operations manager who was my manager for a couple of weeks. Once I was moved from under him she introduced us more informally on a call and since then we have all been quite close and have a group chat in place, talk most days etc.

Myself and him throw a bit of playful banter around which could possibly be seen as flirty. However it is both our personality.

His asked me today what my Bank hol plans are I just casually said nothing not thinking into it and he said does that mean we need to make some, I said I was up for it and his response was if you’re up for it want to do something?

i’m not sure how to take this. I was going to suggest bringing asking our mutual friend but not sure if he means just us?

I’ve not been on the dating scene in over 5 years so I’m not sure as stupid as I may sound right now..

But isn’t your post misleading as he is not your manager?
Sounds like he is trying to ask you on a date, if you are an adult why do you need your friend there?…. It’s just a date

fuzzypeach · 16/04/2025 16:06

BubblegumGiraffe · 16/04/2025 03:22

I think he’s had a bit of a tough time with one of these responses… looks like he’s asking you out but doesn’t want to put you under too much pressure and maybe is shy.

If you want you can date him go, if you want to friend zone him invite the mutual friend.

^ This!

fuzzypeach · 16/04/2025 16:07

Starlight1984 · 16/04/2025 15:54

Well me and DH would have to beg to differ with you on that one 😂

Show quote history

Ditto! Me and DH met at work 26 years ago and still going strong!

Hastentoadd · 16/04/2025 16:08

MarkingBad · 16/04/2025 02:59

Workplace romances rarely go anywhere, affect teams, cause complaints, affect your career if things really go bad, could lose you a job, and if things go wrong, you have to see them at work. It's not unusual for one to leave after a relationship breaks down.

They are the absolute pits, I can see why some firms ban them or need full disclosure if you are currently in a relationship/married when you join. It's a real nightmare in HR terms, no one wants to lose trained staff just because of a flirtation gone too far or dealing with complaints of harrassment.

This man is playing with fire, it is really unprofessional, he could well do this with a number of colleagues to see who bites and who doesn't, it's really minimal effort as other posters have said. You barely know him, is he married, in a relationship?

I've said all these things to several colleagues and usually pick up the pieces after it as well, it's rarely ever anything worthwhile.

Not dismal, just reality

Edited

Workplace romances rarely go anywhere

Yes they do, quite often in fact, it’s a good way to meet people, a few of my friends are happily married to men they met at work…..much better than online dating

MoominMai · 16/04/2025 16:09

Tbh, he sounds a little unsure and you sound a little unsure 😅. So I reckon you should try go out together with the other group member bestie and see from there how you feel. Simples!

ItGhoul · 16/04/2025 16:12

MarkingBad · 16/04/2025 02:59

Workplace romances rarely go anywhere, affect teams, cause complaints, affect your career if things really go bad, could lose you a job, and if things go wrong, you have to see them at work. It's not unusual for one to leave after a relationship breaks down.

They are the absolute pits, I can see why some firms ban them or need full disclosure if you are currently in a relationship/married when you join. It's a real nightmare in HR terms, no one wants to lose trained staff just because of a flirtation gone too far or dealing with complaints of harrassment.

This man is playing with fire, it is really unprofessional, he could well do this with a number of colleagues to see who bites and who doesn't, it's really minimal effort as other posters have said. You barely know him, is he married, in a relationship?

I've said all these things to several colleagues and usually pick up the pieces after it as well, it's rarely ever anything worthwhile.

Not dismal, just reality

Edited

Sometimes workplace relationships go wrong. Sometimes they go brilliantly.

I met my DP at work. We've been together 22 years. We worked together for two years when we got together, then worked at different places, and now work together again.

My SIL and BIL also work together and met that way. One of my friends met her husband at work and they worked together for several years. Another friend avoided a relationship with a colleague because people told her not to date a colleague. Both she and the colleague married other people. It's now 25 years later, they still work together, are both divorced and are now about to move in together. If people hadn't tried to put her off, they wouldn't have missed out on a couple of decades together.

Quietgirl9 · 16/04/2025 16:31

If you want to get to know him, go on the date. If you want to see him again after the date you say thanks for a lovely time, let's do it again sometime. If its not for you, you say, thanks and goodnight. Easy. You have no obligations.

godmum56 · 16/04/2025 16:45

I think dating a colleague, while risky, would be ok. Dating a manager much riskier and dating your line manager is russian roulette.

MarkingBad · 16/04/2025 17:16

ItGhoul · 16/04/2025 16:12

Sometimes workplace relationships go wrong. Sometimes they go brilliantly.

I met my DP at work. We've been together 22 years. We worked together for two years when we got together, then worked at different places, and now work together again.

My SIL and BIL also work together and met that way. One of my friends met her husband at work and they worked together for several years. Another friend avoided a relationship with a colleague because people told her not to date a colleague. Both she and the colleague married other people. It's now 25 years later, they still work together, are both divorced and are now about to move in together. If people hadn't tried to put her off, they wouldn't have missed out on a couple of decades together.

Show quote history

I know they aren't all disasters and appreciate you and people you know have good relationships, and glad it worked out for most of you.

As a manager though I've dealt some really bad experiences, and they outweigh the good by miles IME, lost some really good staff to them and one team disintergrated with the fallout. That one lead to complaints of SH and bullying, so the team took sides, a physical fight ensued, 3 key members of a team resigned within 9 weeks of each other because they couldn't work together anymore. The tribunal case of SH which left everyone tense for several weeks decided it wasn't SH or bullying. It floored everyone remaining for months. This is of course an extreme example but it was pretty awful for everyone.

Other times it was more a lot of heartache, time off, poor decisions, and work affected for the whole team. I do think sometimes couples don't realise the affect their relationship has on other people in a workplace setting, it's especially bad when one or both of them are in a relationship already and are having an affair. I worked mainly with men so even when not a manager I got a lot expectations for listening to their woes, I had to say I can't and resolve not take sides. There is a lot of titttle tattle that goes on so some get upset about being gossiped and laughed at too.

The only relationships I know which went long term was one who were already together for over a decade, both were really professional and up front about it to the company. The other was a seasonal worker who'd come in for 3 months and straight back out again, they married a couple of years later.

I do realise that even as a manager I had pretty much no effect on whether the relationships went ahead or not. I just tried to do what I could to try and prevent issues around them but I often felt I'd turned up to a bombsite with a dustpan and brush for all I could do to help ease things, that's a big part of management is trying to get more milk than moo out of the team.

The man the OP is talking about sounds about as low energy as it gets I just wouldn't go there anyway but someone as wishy washy as this sounds like he's just playing a numbers game, I could be wrong. I know that no one determined to do something will take any notice of me, why would they. But often on these threads people encourage the relationship and rarely point out the pitfalls. I'm just trying to offer some balance from my experience of this.

KezzaMucklowe · 16/04/2025 17:19

fuzzypeach · 16/04/2025 16:07

Ditto! Me and DH met at work 26 years ago and still going strong!

Show quote history

Same. 22 years for us.

Penguin92 · 17/04/2025 10:12

Surely you just make it what you want. If you want it to be a date, go and don’t ask anyone else. If he wanted to ask someone else he would have?

Also, is he your manager or not? If yes then you should just be careful, and make sure you tell your work if it does turn into something.

lilacmamacat · 17/04/2025 13:06

Wait. How married or single is this guy?

TaraRhu · 17/04/2025 13:25

Do you like him? Are you both single? If the answer to both is yes , then make plans! Surely much better to meat someone irl than on a dating app.

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