How do I deal with a colleague who can’t take any sort of criticism?

[Blushingm]

We’ve a new woman start. She’s come from another team and has started a developmental role with us - it’s going up a grade.

she is obviously learning but if you tell her she’s done something wrong or has forgotten to do something she bursts in to tears. Or she just comes over and keeps saying ‘I think I’ve made a mistake taking this job’ or ‘I’m just getting everything wrong aren’t I?’ Despite the fact we tell her she’s doing something’s well.

she called her old manager last Wednesday saying she was overwhelmed and couldn’t come in the next day so the team leader rang the senior who then rang me but wouldn’t say exactly why she wouldn’t be in.

she has accused my manager of sending her on too many courses (2 in a month) and it’s just too much and that I haven’t been supportive and just negative and critical. The rest of the team think we’ve both be very supportive and helpful.

we all now feel we are walking on eggshells in case she starts crying or decides she doesn’t feel like she is doing well

weve tried pointing out good things and trying to make her feel included but it’s getting more and more uncomfortable when she’s around.

the role is meant to be to develop in to a senior role

She’s not ready to be senior. This is not professional behaviour. Can you engage HR so they can step in and support?

Is she neurodiverse? It's giving flags that she might be and she's perhaps just very overwhelmed with the changes. Quite normal for ND people to experience and I wouldn't say it's unprofessional, just not what a neurotypical person would consider socially acceptable.

She perhaps needs to sit down with her manager and go over things that are feeling like a lot or that she's unclear on, gain some clarity and she probably also just needs to find her way a bit, develop new routines and become familiar with things.

shes got restorative supervision tomorrow with a senior - I’m hoping it helps her reflect and realise she either needs to take a deep breath and get on with things

or consider going back to her old role

the team can’t go to her with anything at the moment as she looks like she either burst in to tears and not know what to do - it doesn’t instill confidence at all. Everyone is feeling uncomfortable

she’s been with us over a month now

I used to manage someone who cried a lot. It’s manipulative, to get you to stop giving the feedback. I used to wait in silence until she’d stopped crying and then carry on the conversation.
to be honest, it used to really piss me off.

I'd refuse to assist a crybaby like this - and I would instead launch a grievance on her for her malicious lies (in that you arent supporting her when you are).

That'd give her something to really fucking cry about.

I should say it’s secondment up until October - she won’t be staying after that

I also vote for waiting for the crying to stop and then carrying on. Otherwise you'd never get through to the end of any discussion/topic/meeting if it keeps getting cut short with her crying.

She really needs to be able to regulate her emotions - I don’t see how she can ever be senior if she can’t.
My sympathies as I’ve encountered this and it’s exhausting.

Document it - every episode. Write her an email, let her know you have a trail of this

You should tell your manager to terminate the secondment now.

No one wants a fucking crybaby at work who cant do the job. Send her back to wherever she came from and everyone gets to be happy again.

People like her a fucking drain on everyone. Dont put up with her shit.

Grievance Grievance Grievance.

I wonder this too. I had a colleague who did similar and so her work ended up being given to someone else, it worked very well for her!

I wonder if they promoted her up to get rid of her because she was such a PITA.

It’s likely a trauma response. At some point in her life she’s probably been treated very harshly. I’m not saying it’s right that she behaves like this, but try to deal with it compassionately.

This too! It's amazing how this happens so one department can get rid of someone instead of dealing with it

Then the person needs therapy or whatever they have to do to work through out of work time, there is only so long people can constantly be compassionate for

Yes, the person needs the right support. Compassion isn’t time limited and isn’t mutually exclusive with dealing with it professionally. You can still point out the difficulties of behaving like this in the workplace, offer support and understanding to work out how to change the behaviour, set some expectations and hold them accountable, and signpost to an EAP/therapy, all alongside not shaming the person and being scathing about it.

There could be something completely different going on behind the behaviour. Maybe she’s just had a big bereavement or something going on in her personal life. Maybe the job is really important to her for some reason, like her partner’s just left her or something. You just don’t know.

Anyone who can’t investigate and lead a person through change like this in a compassionate way needs to look at their own leadership skills.

OP, if you’re not this person’s leader, you need to raise it with their leader, and in the meantime, deal with her consistently, professionally and compassionately.

Nonsense.

Shes LYING about not having support or training, something the OP says she has done.

When someone lies and turns on the waterworks, they lose whatever sympathy there was - people like this are a drain on the workplace and need to be booted the fuck out.

@HelplessSoul you don’t know she’s lying. That requires it to be deliberate. She may be in such a blind panic that she can’t see or hear the support she’s being given.

She is clearly not managing and we don’t know enough to work out why- ND, previous trauma, anxiety… or manipulative and work shy.

Professionally, you treat people kindly and consistently and get HR/Occy health to sort it. Doesn’t mean she gets a free/easy ride.

Lies do not have to be deliberate. Lies are lies. End of.

From the OP:

she has accused my manager of sending her on too many courses (2 in a month) and it’s just too much and that I haven’t been supportive and just negative and critical.

The OP has no reason to exaggerate here. The OP is pointing out facts.

If she isnt up to the job even with OPs support, she should f-off back to where she came from and the secondment be terminated. No one needs this shit in a workplace.

The answer to absolutely everything on Mumsnet is that someone is Neurodiverse. It's actually very insulting.

Good idea. Also record what was being discussed when she started crying.

Shes obviously not suited for this role.

Anyone who can’t investigate and lead a person through change like this in a compassionate way needs to look at their own leadership skills.
Really? It's fully on her manager to 'make everything all right'?

“Lie" can refer to both a verb (to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive) and a noun (an untrue statement deliberately used to mislead).

Mistakes are not lies.
Different perceptions are not lies.

There may be things OP doesn’t know. I agree it’s unsustainable, but that doesn’t mean the colleague is lying or manipulative. Whether or not she is, the process to resolve it is the same.

Semantic nonsense.

The woman told an untruth - that is a lie, no matter how you choose to dice it.

As an ND person who also has an inappropriate knee-jerk response to many things based on my own trauma, I do think she needs to find strategies to cope. She may well benefit in the long run from being gently pushed to do so by the approproate colleagues at work. OP, my top tip would be very considered in terms of next steps, and to follow procedure in all things. In personal interactions, Larkin's 'true but not unkind' is a good shout. I remember appreciating the people's intent while not enjoying the content of the conversation when this was me, IYSWIM.