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Can she say these things?! Advice needed

3 replies

mumtumtru · 06/04/2025 21:35

There are 2 of us in our team, myself (manager) and my boss (senior manager). There used to be 3 but one left, as a result there's been more work for both of us. The company is a US Tech company. I am on a 9-6 pm (9/75) contract with every other Friday off. She is unable to take advantage of this so has dropped her hours to working 4 days a week, which is currently leaving two Fridays of every month where neither of us are around..

She is responsible for all of a certain division of accounts. She made herself responsible and kept these accounts to herself because she knew it would be an area of the company that would be profitable (political mover). Shes done other things like this in the past, for example during maternity leave took all my large accounts and then kept them when I got back.

She's coming over next week for my review and is expecting me to take on even more work sharing these accounts, as she's now suddenly unable to cope with the workload.

I'm okay with taking on additional responsiblity but after losing one member of the team, absorbing that work, and now suddenly taking on this new additional work I want to know what I get out of it?! Our roles are very similar. In fact I trained her, went off on maternity leave, came back to reporting into her. We had both been reporting into the same line manager, she had complained about this person to Sr Management whilst I was off, he got moved to the side and she ended up being promoted (the job wasn't advertised). Ironically this person thinks it was I that complained about them, it wasnt. I almost left the company over it but thought better as it pays well and has great benefits.

What is bothering me is, for the past 6 years she's been managing me she occasionally will make comments which I deem as slightly crossing the line about my personal life. For example once every 2-3 months I may be 15 minutes late to a team call often because I've been held up in traffic dropping my son off at school/holiday camp. She is single in her 50s, no kids. I have also occasionally had to take the odd day or two off when my child has been unwell. Last week I mentioned at the start of a call that I needed to leave at the end of the dedicated time of the call as I would be going over to my parents house in my lunch break to let an engineer in to fix their boiler as they are overseas. She then started going on at me how I do too much, this then went on to her saying how she felt my husband doesnt do enough to share the workload of the child responsibilities and all falls on me etc. And usually women with children do 'part time' hours?! And then slightly threateningly "we will talk more next week during your review". This was in parallel with her also asking me to take on more work so I have literally no idea what shes on about!! I can't remember a time where I just worked 9-6 pm, I will often spend several evenings online, answering emails etc and I now work more hours than she does!! She has made other idiotic comments of this nature in the past, for example I had a miscarriage and she said "well obviously I noticed your miscarriage impacted on your work". It didn't, I know it didn't but she still said it..

She has had several accidents in the past 3-5 years which has meant time off for recovery and then physio etc. Ironically I would say she's probably had more time off than I have caring for my child! I have covered her every time, never moaned, never questioned her on it other than 'i hope you are okay etc'.

I could do with some advice on two things:

  1. How can I phrase that I expect more money as I will be taking on more responsiblity?
  2. How can I get her to stop being discriminatory towards me because I am a working mother?
OP posts:
JoyousPinkPeer · 06/04/2025 23:02

She is right regarding shared care of children, father should taje as much time off work as mother.

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 06/04/2025 23:27

JoyousPinkPeer · 06/04/2025 23:02

She is right regarding shared care of children, father should taje as much time off work as mother.

Employees are legally entitled to a reasonable amount of time off to deal with family emergencies involving a dependent, and that includes sick children. The employee's relationship status should not be relevant as otherwise it would be discrimination.

It seems to me that manager is going to use it as a stick to beat the OP with, and as a means of refusing any promotion or pay rise despite all the extra work the OP is being expected to do over and above her usual hours & pay.

Stoneyard · 06/04/2025 23:38

Treat it as two completely separate issues.

1 - can you say that you need to review the JD as you are clearly taking on more work than originally contracted, and you feel this should be formally reflected in your contract and remuneration? Do you have banding or grading or something similar that gives you some benchmarking for pay vs responsibility?

When she asks you to take on the extra work, in your shoes I would say, “what should I drop to make room for this?”. When she says there’s nothing you can drop, I would go in with asking about more pay and a formal recognition of your extra duties.

2 is tricker - is she likely to bring this up as a performance matter? If so you can counter with evidence that you meet targets etc and that flexibility is reasonable and works both ways (eg when she was recovering from injury). If she brings it up in any other way you could say something liked “please don’t make comments about my personal life. I find it uncomfortable.” And just shut the conversation down entirely

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