Toxic team

[Desperatelydoomscrolling]

Hi, I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice or just wanting a space to rant tbh.
I've been in a job for a few years now, and last year was given the chance of a promotion to another team. Initially it was all great, but a few months ago my colleague decided she didn't like me. I honestly can't put a pin in why, if I had said something to offend or did something wrong it was unintended as I liked her at the time. Now she mostly ignores me, or if not ignoring me is being passive agressive, negative or dismissive about everything I do. She deliberately leaves me out of things (not just personal stuff like coffee runs although she does that too - but actual work things where normally I should also be involved) and just generally makes me feel really sad and uncomfortable. It's like she has decided I am competition and she has to look the best/most productive/most knowledgeable and so tries as hard as she can to throw me under a bus and make me look bad. It's a small team so it's really obvious and uncomfortable for me all the time.
I've spoken to my boss but she just says my coworker has Autism and ADHD so it's not her fault, and I just have to ignore it all and work on my own rather than as a team. But she can be nice to everyone else so I'm not sure this isn't personal. I'm also a DV survivor (emotional and financial abuse and control mostly) and it's so very triggering for me having this cold angry dismissive person at the side of me all the time, it's the same vibes I had at home when I was not doing whatever I needed to keep my exh happy and just keeping calm and smiling is just so draining right now. I just want peace 😔. Im so very tired of feeling like I'm a useless bad person, having it happen again is making me lose all my confidence and think maybe she and my exh are right and I deserve to feel bad.
I guess I don't know what to do anymore. I can't afford to leave and Ive been told I can't switch teams, and I don't know how to ask her to just be nice without sounding lame as fuck. I don't know what I'm asking really, so maybe it was just me wanting to tell people who don't know her and like her. It's been a long day, thanks for listening. X

Well your manager doesn’t sound hugely supportive (and probably crossed a line by disclosing this person’s medical issues unless they’re super out in the open).

Your manager has as much duty of care to support an employee who is being made to feel uncomfortable (as it impacts your productivity as well as team productivity), as much as they do if someone has a disability - and here it sounds like they’re using the disability as a shield to not effectively manage that person.

You need to raise this formally via email and ask for a resolution, CC in HR if you need to. Be factual. On day person did this. On day 2 person did that. As a result I wasn’t involved in this. It is also causing me to feel alienated etc etc. That needs to be investigated.

Thank you so very much for taking the time to reply. My colleague is very open about her disabilities so it's not new information to me, I just don't see how it can be just because of this when I see her actively nurturing relationships with other workers we link with, there is an obvious difference in her behaviour. If it was down to her communication difficulties she would be rude and dismissive to everyone surely. I will start to make notes and will attempt to make it more formal with my manager. She is good friends with my coworker so I will have to make sure I only note down things that can't be minimised or explained away but it's worth a try. I'm not sure I can carry on otherwise and I really can't afford to be unemployed. It's just got me down this week that after years of having someone who stopped me from doing anything and beat me down with their words and anger all the time I got free and got this job and thought I could be a part of the world again and make an difference in some way, but now I'm back to being scared and upset and being told I'm useless and unlikeable. I just wish I was a different person sometimes. Maybe making note of it and feeling more in control will help with my resilience and I'll be able to push through. 🙂

I had a similar situation, a woman at work was lovely one day, giving me the silent treatment and passive aggression the next. It lasted several months directed only at me, then gradually she started on others, then our boss at which point she left.

My only advice is to ignore her and don't let her drive you out of a job. She'll show her true colours to the rest of the team eventually. Also with passive aggressive people, acting oblivious seems to drive them crazy.

It's not you, it's her, and actually everywhere I've worked there's been at least one strange person who goes out of their way to behave atrociously so it's good to learn coping strategies.

Try and focus on the rest of the team and don't let her make you feel isolated from them if possible.

Are they not noticing that's she's leaving you out of coffee runs etc? I would hope that once they do they would intervene to make sure you're included.

I think they must notice, but just kind of brush over it all awkwardly. And the more I try and point it out the more I just seem to be a bit whiney and I worry I'm starting to look like the problem. She's really good at making it look like it's quite natural to not include me in stuff and if I react it's a case of me being over emotional so the only way is for me to join in in pretending it's all fine and I'm ok with not being a part of anything or even spoken to by her. I've never really been in a work situation like this so I'm finding it really hard to explain lol. It's almost like I'm going crazy and doubting myself sometimes but then I look back and she really has been really rude all day. I had started backing away from the whole team but this last week I'm trying more to not let that happen and I do think that has helped a bit so I will take your advice and keep at that thank you. Also thank you for letting me know it's not abnormal to find people like this, I've had work colleagues I didn't really like on a personal level before but happily worked with them and never faced this kind of really personally directed freezing out and obstructing behaviour before in a work capacity. I actually feel better knowing other people have had this crazy shit come out of the blue before.

Hey im really sorry to read this, it sounds hard and unfair. I wonder if talking it through with a therapist could give you some long term strategies and plans to cope and make it less likely that people acting like this will harm you or take advantage?

in the mean time you have to tough it out and act like you dont have a care in the world and shes not bothering you. Ask brightly in front of everyone to be included in coffee run and things like that and keep notes of everything. Good luck

It’s not your fault. She sounds toxic. I’ve worked with people like her before and have been the victim of their abuse. It can make you feel like you are going crazy, that’s part of their game.

you are right to keep a record of this. Include everything if you can, even the things that may not look like bullying, but make you feel bad. This will help you to not feel like you’re going crazy. Start doing this straight away.

you could potentially use these records to raise a grievance, but instead of doing that I would strongly suggest that you start looking for a new job asap. I know that sounds defeatist, but you sound like a lovely person, who has already been through a lot in your life, and your mental health is more important than bringing this vile person to justice.

Its not your fault, there are unfortunately people like this in so many workplaces. They flourish when colleagues and managers overlook their behaviour. You don’t need this in your life, protect yourself and get a new job. And continue being the successful person that you are.

Find a new job OP. This sort of thing is not worth the mental toll.

She can have ADHD, autism and also be a nasty cow too. She's possibly threatened by you in some way.

Yes I am starting to see that I just need to move myself away don't I. Such a shame because I loved this job so much and it's quite specific so I will struggle to find something similar, but I can't spend 37 hours a week feeling uncomfortable and the rest of the week feeling stressed in anticipation. I'm still in the stage where someone being angry and cold to me brings out real fear and panic because I've spent so many years trying to make my exh be happy so he would let me do things, so it's not healthy for me to be in that state all the time, and I don't think the others in the team will want to risk getting on her wrong side so I'm kind of alone. I'm gutted to have got to realising this but appreciate everyone giving me space to talk it though and taking the time to reply - at the very least you've stopped me feeling like I'm going crazy lol.

I’m sorry you are being bullied at work
I am also going through a similar ordeal with a horrible colleague who takes every opportunity to be nasty to me.
It makes me dread going into work.
I am trying to rise above it and not let it get to me but it is hard.
I have told my manager but he doesn’t seem to do anything about it because the mean colleague does a lot of his jobs for him.
I don’t understand why such people are able to get away with such awful behaviour because the company has clear policies on bullying and harassment but in reality they do nothing.Seems like empty words that make them seem like they care but they really do not, so why bother having the policies if nothing is ever done?!
I too find this angry colleague triggering because I too suffer from domestic violence,so I know what it is like to live in fear!
I also feel like I am constantly having to deal with aggressive people whether it’s when I am driving or cycling or angry customers.People seem to be so furious these days over petty matters.Maybe it’s to do with the cost of living crisis.I definitely think people are getting angrier though and I am sick of having to put up with it.
I hope things improve for you.

Confront her. If she's doing it on purpose she'll suddenly feel very awkward and probably back off. Given how bad the situation is, what have got got to lose.

I have confronted her several times.
she seems to revel in her unpleasantness towards me.
Her face takes on a sort of strange,gleeful grimace,when she can see I am upset with her behaviour.Its very disturbing and I haven’t come across such malice before.
Like with the op she is very charming with other people and I feel the manager probably doesn’t really believe me when I have told him I am being bullied because he hasn’t seen the very nasty side to her.
She is a very strange character.Its most unsettling and even chilling at times.I know it sounds extreme but I can imagine her murdering me during one of her angry rages!