Working full time & fitting everything in!

[KLT84]

Hello fellow Mums
I’ve recently started working full time TTO. I’m really struggling with keeping on top of everything, looking after the kids, housework, everything in general. Come 9pm at night I’m done in.
This is having a major impact on my marriage as we are hardly spending any time together.
Weekends are now filled with food shopping, housework, piles of laundry!! Which means very limited time with my children. Mum guilt has kicked in big time!
I haven’t worked full time since having my first child almost 11 years ago.
Can anyone relate and share their experiences, or advise in anyway on how to manage.
Thank you

Start by getting a food delivery, no need to go shopping.

Cleaner once a week, food delivery, do the washing overnight during the week (hang to dry in the morning or overnight if one of you does a load when you get in). We don’t do any chores at the weekend, both work full time.

Online shopping food delivery
Can you set your washing machine to run overnight and be ready to be hung up each morning before you all go to work/school? Or to run during the day and hung up in the evening?
What housework is taking so long? Can you get a cleaner?

I'm not very good at sticking to it but The Organised Mum Method (there's an app and on all social media) is great. It gets you into a routine of doing a little bit of housework every day on a different area of your home.

How does your husband cope with his 50 percent of childcare and housework?

DH and I both work FT and our DS goes to nursery. We have a massive document that we've been fine tuning the last few years which lists out all the physical and mental load tasks involved in running our household. We go through the list together every now and again to tweak it and make sure we're both happy that tasks are fairly allocated. At the moment it looks something like this:

Me:

• All laundry including changing the beds/towels
• Keeping living areas and bedrooms tidy
• Recycling
• Calendar management (including making plans with joint friends, planning family outings)
• Main point of contact for nursery
• Packing nursery bag, sorting DSs clothes
• Playdates, cards/presents for DSs friends
• Medical appts for DS

DH:

• Meal planning and online grocery shopping, 'king of snacks'
• Bins
• Checking and topping up household supplies (loo roll, dishwasher tablets etc)
• Keeping kitchen clean and tidy between visits from our cleaner
• Washing up non-dishwasher items
• Non-medical appts for DS (e.g. haircuts)
• Budgeting spreadsheet, sorting insurances / breakdown cover etc

Shared:

• Cooking (we always batch cook 2 nights at a time, so it works out that we each only need to cook roughly 3 times a fortnight)
• Nursery drop off and pick up (I do slightly more as DH has a longer commute)
• Bedtime routine with DS (DH does slightly more as he usually does weekends too)
• Looking after DS on the weekend while the other person can exercise / see friends etc
• Loading/unloading dishwasher

Shared (ad hoc):

• Cards/presents for our own side of the family
• Holiday planning and packing
• Ad hoc tasks e.g. 'de-scale shower heads', 'take items to charity shop', 'deep clean changing bag' - all of these are spread out through the year and allocated equally between us on a rota we created
• Car service / MOT / repairs
• Looking after DS if he's poorly

Outsourced:

• HelloFresh/Gousto (meal planning)
• Cleaner (hoovering, mopping, dusting, kitchen and bathrooms)
• Gardener in spring/summer (mow lawn, keep tidy)
• Handyman for DIY jobs
• Supermarket fakeaway on a Friday night

It has taken us a long time to get to this point! DH has always been good at the daily cooking/washing up etc but didn't really notice the ad hoc mental load tasks I was sorting in the background for many years. I wasn't willing to start TTC until we sorted out a fair distribution of the mental load too. We both have fairly demanding jobs and work similar hours with similar salaries so I was not willing to be the "she-fault" parent once we started a family.

@LightBlueJeans that’s impressive, can you come and sort my life out please! 😂

Haha thank you! Check out Eve Rodsky's website/book/instagram "Fair Play". That's what helped sort things out for us! We didn't do her 'game' as that seemed a bit cheesy, but we applied the theory and principles to how things work in our own home.

I wish the split was 50/50, maybe this is an area to look at too

This is truly impressive! Thank you so much for sharing this. I think this would be a great starting point for us too!

Why isn’t the split 50/50, does he lack hands?

• food shop delivered
• cleaner (even just once a month)
• involvement from all members of the household

@KLT84 The only way is really to outsource as much as you can. Food delivery, ironing service and cleaner once a week. Otherwise spend the weekend catching up and by the time you’re done it’s 8pm on a Sunday and you’re restarting.

@LightBlueJeans sounds very similar to how we organise ourselves and I have no shame in not knowing the details (or anything!) about the stuff DH manages.
@KLT84 sounds like your family has had 11 years of relying on you being ‘full time’ at home and no redistribution of tasks has happened when you’ve gone back to work so you now have 2 full time jobs! That’s not sustainable for anyone for very long so you need to sit down and split the home stuff out asap. Good luck!

My dh does alot, his fair share and sometimes more.
I work full time, so does dh, house is clean and tidy and we both have hobbies and spend time together

I do click and collect shopping. I put a wash in in evening and dh takes it out, dc has jobs- keep room clean and tidy, sort dried washing out and put in everyone's rooms put away etc
I don't have a cleaner, have done in the last but if I have a spare 5-10min I hoover wipe down surfaces. One night a week bathrooms get a deep clean and I have podcast on to focus, I do bedding at weekend and just strip bed- replace with a clean one- bedding gets washed and dried at some point in week and ready for replaced at weekend

I find you do get into a rhythm but your dh MUST help

I agree with this. OP, you're not coping because you now have two jobs. You need to start from scratch with dividing tasks and the thinking about them equally. School holidays can be different if need be but don't fall into the trap of trying to do what you did before.

Also, I work full time and co parent two children. Looking after the house and kids is manageable because me and the kids have a system. I don't have another adult creating more mess, washing and admin. So you currently have a dress who is not only NOT doing his share but he is also adding to your workload.

I’ve done the same after 15 years. Real big commute. Three horses to see to, not in livery. I have a cleaner once a week. We get shopping delivered to us. No other tips. Hope to gain some. Feel like I’m treading a fine line of madness and mid fifties.

Let me guess, your DH is whining why are you too tired for sex

Whilst he does only 25% of the chores

This is inspirational!
Do this OP!

Tbh I really struggled when DC were young working full time and did spend weekends catching up with housework and weekday evenings ironing, constant hamster wheel. It is hard work when your in the thick of it.
Truely even distribution of labour and if affordable, buying in help will make all the difference. Definitely get groceries delivered.
Make sure you ring fence one weekend afternoon for relaxation.
And show your DH the list above and go from there.
But don't feel guilty, I bet you are doing an amazing job.

yes to shopping delivery!
do you have the ability to wfh 1 or 2 days a week @KLT84 I get my laundry done on wfh days! It’s an easy task to do whilst working.

Unfortunately no opportunity to work from
home, I am trying to get into the routine of putting a wash on before bedtime, early morning so it can be hung to dry throughout the day

I try and spread jobs out through the week so I can enjoy the weekends. It’s hard as I have work to do, my children have clubs and I’m tired!

Thanks to everyone that has replied. It’s great to know there are loads of mums/couples out there going to the same thing.
Going to work our way through some of the suggestions and put things in practice.
Hopefully in a few months I’ll feel way more organised and me again, rather than some crazy person juggling everything x

It’s a small tip but it works for us when it comes to laundry, every morning during breakfast I put a load in and set the timer so it finishes just about as we get home, then it gets hung up / put in the dryer while dinner is cooking. I try and save things like bedding and jeans that are better hung outside until the weekend but I they go on a quick wash to save time assuming they’re not filthy. If your machine has a timer you could put them in at night and set it to be finished when you get up.