ACAS?? sexual harassment at work, not sure if theres any point taking things further but I feel so let down.

[Brassbumblebee]

Hello everyone.

I want to keep this short but I also dont want to leave out any important information so please bare with me.
The guy in question (we will call S) has since left work and I have just returned after 6 weeks sick leave due to poor mental health that stemmed from this issue, but for transparency I have other things going on too so it's not totally to blame.

When I first started this job I got on really well with the whole team, S in particular, hes older than me so at first I thought nothing of it (I'm 38 and hes around 60) but then he started messaging outside of work and calling me, telling me he adored me etc.. it made me very uncomfortable and with the help of friends (I'm new to setting boundaries so this alone was difficult for me) I managed to tell him to back off but in a "nice, professional" way because I didnt want to make things awkward at work. But I did have a conversation with my ex boss about this, unfortunately this was a "off the record" type chat, I thought the situation was dealt with but I just wanted to make her aware in case anything else happened.

He backed off in a sense, but after that he would constantly (and I mean like every time I saw him) make a comment about what I was wearing, eating, whether I seemed to have gained or lost weight, my make up (one time he called me a whore because i had lipstick on) this made me really uncomfortable and paranoid, I dreaded going into work and I spoke to my new boss and other colleagues about this as well as our senior team lead, who we will call X.
I would often have conversations X about S behaviour, X would act dumb to it or agree and say things like "well hes just a dick isnt he"?.
It wouldnt stop so i went back to my boss, she had a meeting with him but didnt say who it was that had made the complaint, he just talked to him about his over all behaviour and unprofessionalism (is that a word?? Lol) he acted a little but sheepish for a while but was soon back to his old ways. Not long after the meeting, my old boss left.

I brought it up to my new boss and she said he was also making her uncomfortable but at the time, other than some hearsay, she didnt have any concrete evidence to do anything.

Theres a lot more to this, yes I did ask S to stop what he was doing, repeatedly, but he would say things like "ah I cant help it, it's just who i am" etc
For all the things that got SAID, it was the things that didnt get said that had the most impact.. the atmosphere, the way I'd walk into a room and everyone got silent, the way he would look at me, I could sometimes sense him gesturing behind my back, infront of other staff! But they said nothing or just looked embarrassed.
When I would ask them, they denied any knowledge of it.. but I fuckin knew in my gut something was happening..

Anyway, S left just before Christmas. Yay.
Since hes left though, one of my other colleagues who we will call R, obviously felt like enough time had passed so it was safe to tell me what had actually been going on. Long and short of it, S was always making sexual remarks about me and stuff along the lines of "what I would do to her" but quiet disgusting, so much so R was embarrassed to tell me exactly what.. but I can imagine..

Now, what I'm really struggling with, as I said I have since returned to work (yesterday) and I had a meeting with my boss last week and she knows everything and has since put some sexual harassment training in place which is great.. trouble is.. I feel like I've lost all trust, the WHOLE team knew (all men I will add). for almost TWO years what was happening. They (my colleagues) listened to me when would be upset at something S had said or done, all the time I KNEW there was something happening but I didnt quite know what but they did.. and they all kept quiet.. I feel so let down and vulnerable now..

Anyway, that's what happened.. I dont know what to do but I don't feel like I'm ready to just simply drop it and move on.. I'm thinking of planning an ambush type meeting where I can get everyone in the same room and get to the bottom of all this haha. Should I leave and not look back? Urgh Idk... any suggestions?

Wait. Your team lead new about the harassment but did nothing about it? Did he not have a duty toward you, a member of his team?

Can any HR/legal bods say whether op might have grounds for a grievance against her team lead for allowing bullying/harassment/sexism ?

OP, I don't have much by way of advice regarding the ongoing situation but did want to say that I'm so sorry this has happened to you and that you sound like an absolute legend!

Yeah. He probably knew more than anyone else because everyone tells him everything and hes always there.

Possibly. But it depends on the evidence, and what the OP has is mostly conjecture. Conjecture about something that happened ten months+ ago. I don't like it, but these things are hard enough when there are contemporary grievances and clear evidence. Right now (setting aside why he left) the OP has her word against the silence of somebody who left almost a year ago, and (unless her colleague is willing to step up) only conjecture about what her colleagues did or what S did or did not do. If the team leader denies it, it's going to be almost impossible to prove without witnesses. If her colleagues had the courage to act, we wouldn't be having this conversation, so she may be short on witnesses.

Unfortunately, anything like this is hard enough to beat the odds when you have clear evidence and a timely grievance. A complaint now might get a sweetener for leaving. It might not.

@burnoutbabe Yes the law has changed somewhat, but I'll have confidence when I see it applied rigourously. As a disabled woman my confidence in anything that includes the word "reasonable" is pretty much perched between low and none. There is very little actually new in that - write a good policy and follow it is the main thrust. It basically still comes down to the employee making a complaint, and even on the bare bones of the OP's version, there might be an argument to sanction the supervisior for inaction, but other than that the employer could almost certainly show they acted as far as they could. Obviously it's too late for the OP anyway, but I think there is still a very long way to go to ensure this kind of behaviour is taken seriously.

Honestly, I'm really not bothered about trying to gain financially from this, I just want to have my say and let them all know that I know.
Hopefully get a little bit of justice for myself and reclaim some of the self esteem I have lost since I started work there.

It will be scary but worth it and future me will be proud that I did, then I can walk away with my head held high.

Hi everyone

I thought I'd post an update for anyone interested.
So yeah, I rang Acas and it went as predicted. It's been too long since the last case of sexual harassment so nothing to be done there but that's ok.

I rang my boss and had a good chat with her, explained how I felt and that I wasnt happy to just drop it and act like nothing happened. I asked if we could arrange a meeting so I can talk all this over with the team (when I say team, we are very small and theres actually only 3 members I really want to talk to) . I'm not planning on going in all guns blazing, but I do want an honest discussion with everyone about it so I can move on without any resentments.

Also, regarding X (the senior) apparently our boss DID have a conversation with him about this and he admitted that he knew! So I dont know what to make of that.. his excuse to her was that he was trying to protect me from S :/ I dont believe that, I think he was just spineless but no matter. If we can talk this out and I get honesty then I'm willing to forgive and forget but I've absolutely learned from this, paper trail and follow proper procedures next time! 😅

That sounds like an excellent approach. It takes courage to do it too.

Prepare a script for yourself - don't go in cold, and make sure that you get to say everything you want to say. Staying calm if actually much more effective than going in hot - it gives your colleagues no opportunity to feel aggrieved that you have had a go at them (even though they might deserve it). Do not let anyone interrupt you until you have said what you want to say. Do not get dragged into "arguments" - you are talking about how this has made you feel and nobody gets to tell you how you feel or whether you have the right to feel that way.

Think about some positives - you have learned some things from this, so you have the right to say that. And think about what answers, if any, you want from them. I might - but this is down to you and how you feel about it - only ask two:
Why did each of you act complicit in this instead of stopping it?
If this happened again, would you do anything differently?

And if you wanted to - how would you feel if this were your wife or your daughter? I am never quite sure about that last one because it gets used a lot when discussing how women are treated with men. At one level it does focus their thoughts on how they feel if it's someone they care about. On the other hand, it also smacks a bit too much of them thinking they have some kind of right to decide how other men treat women, when it is up to us to decide, nt them.

@EmmaMaria 's advice is excellent Op, lots of valid points to make in the meeting. I just want to say be prepared that this may not play out how you're hoping, some men react badly to feeling they're being accused of something or because they feel guilty, it makes no sense when they all knew what he was like but you might not get the response you're hoping for. I really hope I'm wrong because if I'm not then you'll feel even worse.

Thank you, honestly though they can react badly all they like, we will have our manager there so if they want to make themselves look even more like twats infront of her then they can go right ahead. 😇
I know I'm right and 2 out of the 3 have already admitted it.

And even so, if I leave that meeting and its not resolved or I'm made to feel bad in anyway about it I'll get that transfer or just look for a new job. I'm 100% prepared to walk away, I'd just rather resolve it if possible.

Great, have the meeting and enjoy!